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Rating:

Recalled Meat Resold

Last week's recalled ground meat has been sold to China as company says very little tested bad after all. The Chinese had to add a little lead to make it taste right, but sold well at discount price.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

This Must Be #274

Prison officers where the Unibomber is being held ask that people quit sending him boxed clocks in the mail. "That quit being funny ten years ago."

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

They're Probably Right

Oddsmaker's agree that team of Wilford Brimley, Olivia de Havilland will be first ones out on "Dancing With The Stars".

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Thought It Was A Cramp

Pea Ridge, Tn. man is told by doctor that the reason his leg hurt was because he had 3 bullets in it according to X-ray. "I knew I had been feeling a little sluggish, after that last drinking spree."

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

That's Her, Officer!

Arkansas man in police line-up identifies the woman he robbed.
"That's the way it's done, ain't it? My first time to the big city."

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Where's The Cash?

Freddy Mac and Ginnie Mae Crawford of Abilene, Texas show up on steps of congress this morning demanding their money.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Consumer Confidence Down Say Bums

Consumer confidence fell to an all-time low this morning as bums say people are only buying them half a cup of coffee, week-old doughnuts at shelters.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Dakotas Still Accusing Each Other Over John Lennon's Death

President Obama sends in troops after North Dakota teens caught giving all four presidents black eyes in South Dakota's Mt. Rushmore last night. "They look like raccoons", laments S.D. Gov. Rounds.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Missing Link Discovered

Scientists excited after 300 million year old sausages found in Turkey. "This could well be the missing link!"

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Quite A Specter

Phil Specter overheard talking to himself in prison cell, changing wigs with different voices.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Afghan Elections are not corrupt!

Afghan elections have been declared NON-CORRUPT, BUT YOU CAN BY PERSONALISED BALLOT SLIPS OVER THE INTERNET FOR A HUNDRED BUCKS ON E BAY! TALABAN THINK IT'S A BOMB, WHILE US/UK TROOPS DIE LAUGHING !

written by Jaggedone, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Casual Friday At Nudist Colony

A Florida man who once belonged to a nudist colony tells the St. Petersburg Times that on Casualty Fridays, men didn't hold in their guts.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Gore's Next Film

Al Gore's next documentary scheduled for filming is expected to more than double last audience, "Global Warming & The Red Hot Mama!"

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Time Traveler In Time Square

Citizens of Manhattan were shook up this morning when a Time Traveler suddenly appeared in Time Square and told everyone, "I had to come back and see this happen in person!"

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Swine Flu Mass Graves

Mass graves could be dug for autumn bout of swine flu say health officials, "but you shouldn't be worried about it."


written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Watch That Whistling

Man beaten up by three offended women who thought he wolf-whistled at them, after going into a howling rage.




written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Another "Blob"?

The Environment Agency says it is worried by the spread of algae that is threatening to choke wildlife along the south coast of England. "We have movie of a deer being dragged in", says spokesman.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Ancient Squid Found

Scientists have drawn a squid with ink extracted from a preserved fossilized squid uncovered during a dig in Wiltshire. "This is the greatest find since Conan Doyle's mystery pen", say historians.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Shrewsbury Flower Show Held Too Late!

The world famous Shrewsbury flower show was held too late this year. It is almost autumn and the blooms are already fading It would appear that the organisers were caught with their plants down.

written by IN SEINE, 19 August 2009
Rating:

WW2 Bombings

82-year-old lady in British Nursing Care Home tells BBC that during WW2 "We used to get bombed every night, whether the German planes came over or not."

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

PETA Satisfied

New movie advertises 1100-plus shootings and stabbings but "no animals were injured during the making of this film".

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Web Addicts Treated In China

After a teenage boy was repeatedly beaten at a boot camp to treat internet addicts in China, nerds seen taking pens, pocket protectors from shirts, practicing normal laughs.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

War Escalation?

Israel accuses Palestinians of war escalation after youth begin hurling exploding limestone rocks!

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Unexploded grenade, Battle Ax Found

New violence hits Afghan capital but it's hard to tell with the rubble of 2,000 years of battles.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Suicide Victim Misunderstood Ad

Police in Pittsburgh say that apparently lonely 39-year-old suicide victim had ordered a Big Meat Special and was devastatingly upset when he was only brought a pizza.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Barry White Music Fails to Encourage Sharks to Mate!

Naturalists have failed to encourage sharks to mate by using Barry White songs. However, his music really 'turns on' whales of all shapes and sizes - perhaps it's because he looks and sounds like one.

written by IN SEINE, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Bones Under Basement Floor

In Atlanta, the bones thought to be that of missing 1880 Democrat politician discovered under basement floor. "Dem bones, Dem bones, Dem dry bones!"

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Letterman Has Accident On The Air

62-Year-Old David Letterman announced last night that he's so proud of his five-year-old he could just.."Well, I think I just did!"

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

It's A Favre Favre Better Thing That I Do

Brett Favre, who came out of retirement once again yesterday to sign with the Minnesota Vikings, announces retirement this morning but has scheduled news conference this evening to say, He's Back!

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

A Bad Trip

Franklin D Roosevelt's great-granddaughter retraces his 1934 trip. Winds up in wheelchair also.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Dat Dancing Delay

Ex-House Majority Leader Tom Delay joins 'Dancing With the Stars' I've been dancing around political issues for years says politician.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Jackson Portrait Sold

Warhol's Jackson portrait, Jackson's song lyrics about Warhol, rights to Weird Al Yankovic's tune about both, sold by NY art gallery.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Ibuprofen For Broken Arms

Study: Ibuprofen is best for kids with broken arms. Pain pills somehow causes bones to be reset, cast to suddenly appear.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Clinton Meeting Obama, Family

At White House meeting, Obama talks to Bill Clinton about N. Korea mission. Mother-In-Law asks about Monica Lewinsky affair. Obama kids about where Socks is buried.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Young Dems Suffer

Freshmen Democrats torn by party, voters, wild packs of dogs on health care.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

1 Million Electric Cars

German government: 1 million electric cars by 2020. Will need twice as much oil, coal to produce electricity.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

"Please Don't Hurt Me Bad!"

San Jose dentist facing new charge he molested patient, sixth time for the same patient.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Officers Fall Through Floor

San Jose City Council reluctantly agrees to spend $5.1 million more on police substation after three 250-pound officers fall through floor while bringing in the days doughnuts.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Exotic Clams Invade

Exotic clams invade Lake Tahoe! Some have little frilly cloth skirts of many colors around their edges.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

11-Year-Old Interviews Obama

11-year-old boy interviews Obama at White House. Questions like "What football team do you like?" similar to questions by hired fluffballs in town hall meetings on healthcare.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Voters Reject Fees

Seattle voters reject 20-cent grocery bag fee, 25-cent "have a nice day" greeting, 10-cent "How's it hanging?"

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Counseling Improves Mood

Study finds end-of-life counseling improves mood as many glad they are not going to hell in a handbasket.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Pharoah's Tombs Disappearing

Egypt warns pharaohs' tombs could disappear if tourists don't stop carrying away 20 ton rocks as souvenirs.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

S.Korea Rocket Going Nowhere Fast

South Korea aborts rocket launch minutes before liftoff as fuse falls off.

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Hurricane Gaining Force

Hurricane Bill now upgraded to Category 4 storm in Atlantic, name updated to "Wild Bill Pecos"!

written by Bureau, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Vikings Fly Favre To Mayo Clinic

The Minnesota Vikings Flew Quarterback Brett Favre To the Mayo Clinic on Tuesday, where he underwent an emergency procedure after former team mates tackled him and glued his pecker to his stomach.

written by Adam Click, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Analysts Say 2010 will be a Boom Year

Dow Jones average supposedly rises and falls with ladies dress lengths! Recently, there were 1000 naked women marching outside of the NYSE at Wall and Broad Streets in NYC! Nobody can remember why.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Chief Geronimo III Speaks at a Town Meeting

At a health care reform town meeting in New Mexico, Native American Chief Geronimo III PhD addressed a crowd debating the issue. The wise chief said "do you really believe Congress in Washington DC?"


written by Philbert of Macadamia, 19 August 2009
Rating:

Upcoming Court Case

The Libertarian Party sues House Speaker Pelosi for reckless endangerment to USA freedoms. Empress Pelosi retains John Edwards as her defense lawyer. Presiding judge is rumored to be George W Bush.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 19 August 2009
Rating:

PETA Puts Foot in Mouth Again

PETA has commended specific groups for not eating pork. Then they added that circumcision needs to be more closely inspected by the USDA, similar to the cocks used in chicken McNuggets.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 19 August 2009
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