Spoof news snippets from August 2009
There were 1,566 spoof news snippets published in August 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Fox News is Number 1!
Among people with extreme mental deficiencies.
Yes, Mommy Dearest
In a spiteful act of revenge, the ghost of Joan Crawford crawled into an unopened can of diet soda this week, and defecated. They're calling the new flavor Diet Poopsee CaCa Cola Dearest
MGM's Roarless Lion
Due to budget restraints MGM is replacing their lion with a woodchuck.
Lionel Richie Hit With Baseball Bat
Irate resident returned home to find Motown star dancing on his ceiling. Took a bat to him. Nobody hurt all that badly.
Lily Allen Moving To Africa
British rocker Lily "Pour Me Anudder One" Allen says that she is giving up music. She plans to move to Zimbabwe and open up a zebra-walking service.
Lost African Tribe Rediscovered
The Fakawi, a three foot tall pygmy tribe who inhabit four foot high grasslands were spotted by a BBC Bristol wildlife crew jumping up and down shouting: "Where the Fakawi?"
Dracula Gives Up Fishing
Too impatient to wait for a bite, according to observers.
Another Company Folds
The Yamagitsu Origami Company finally folded today. It seems it was destined to fold from its inception.
The Smallest Mother In Britain
Britain's shortest women, 3 ft. 9 in. Karina White has just given birth to a baby. The doctors panicked when they couldn't find it. They finally located it underneath a tongue depressor.
PM Brown States War On Terror Continues
But then adds, that he'd be prepared to forget it if the terrorists send enough oil our way.
Self Heating Pie Claim Ridiculed
Scorn poured on nuclear physicist's self-heating pie claims. Transpires that the foil tray is too insubstantial to support nuclear fusion.
Apalachicola Beaches Ordered Closed
The city of Apalachicola, Florida has temporarily closed down its beaches due to several swimmers coming down with the swim flu.
On The Other Hand...
Usually it's four fingers and a thumb, but you never can tell these days.
Mary Mary Quite Contrary
How does your garden grow?
Alan Duncan Won't Be Getting Bali High
The rations won't stretch to it, he claims.
Woodpecker Born Without Beak
Described as a 'Headbanger' by zoo keeper.
Mike Tyson Issues Challenge
Former undisputed heavyweight champion wants to fight Stevie Wonder. It's the match up everybody would love to see. Especially Stevie.
Welshman Denies Opening Brothel
Four sheep chained to a lamp post does not constitute a brothel, legal team allege.
Britney "Boom-Boom" Spears Is Comin'
Britney Spears will out do other female performers by having herself shot out of a cannon. She says, "I'm not scared. I'll wear a helmet and an extra pair of knickers."
"Wow" is the tagline for the new documentary depicting Perez Hilton, entitled "PEREZ".
Banned, Oh Miley!
A new Miley Cyrus photoshoot is rising the buzz on whether she should film the new and final Hannah Montana season or not.
Taxes Rise Again
Drug dealers in Moss Side, Manchester, have announced the third tax hike on rival drug dealers this month in a bid to beat the recession.
Pattinson Rejected By Man United
Allegedly for having an aversion to crosses.
Britney Spears Apologizes
Britney Spears says she is "very sorry" because she tired people of her "sick behavior" for the past couple of years but that she is "happy that she's been given a second chance."
It's the title of the new Lindsay Lohan movie which will depict her as a big Hollywood movie star who is trying to live normally. Wish it was true.
Trick Or Treaters Gunned Down
British gunman reportedly said that he was only adding to the US cultural import as he produced a revolver and shot four kids wearing horror themed costumes.
Motorcycle Outlaw Ridiculed
A man was ridiculed today for turning up at a biker bash with a jacket proclaiming he was a 'Hells Angle'.
Liverpool People Still Talk Funny
Despite the best efforts of a legion of elecution teachers, the average Liverpudlian still cannot say with any certainty how many K's there are in Chickkkkken.
Southampton FC Release DVD Exclusive
101 great goal kicks now available from Amazon.
Wet T-Shirt Contest Called off!!
A wet T-shirt contest due to be held at Chipping Sodbury old folks home was called off today due to lack of support.
Missing Bob Marley Papers Suggest Guilt
Personal papers retrieved from the estate of the late Bob Marley reveal an admission that he shot the Sheriff, but denied any involvement in the shooting of the deputy.
The Out-of-Control California Wildfires
The massive California wildfires continue to burn out of control. Reports are starting to come in that now even parts of the Pacific Ocean are starting to catch on fire.
Miley Cyrus Has A Dump
Accountants today revealed that Hannah Montana starlet Miley Cyrus has acquired a landfill site near Jacksonville Fla in her property portfolio.
Leeds Fan Distraught
Leeds fan Jud Etherington was emotionally overwrought today, not only because his football team are shit, but because he was snubbed by 'Glenda' - his ewe of twelve years.
Everton FC Call In Exorcist
One six reported yesterday, so Exorcist recruited before the other two can materialise.
Three New York City Rockettes Are Gender Tested
The three New York City Rockettes that were given gender tested all came out negative; they're real girls.
The Latest Fox Game Show
The Fox Network will be turning the "Cash For Clunkers" program into a game show titled "Who Wants Some Clunkers For Cash?"
Research on Gender
Biologists have discovered the reason that 99% of all girls have a larger left breast is because 99% of all boys are right-handed.
Vanessa Hudgens Shaves Her Cat
Nobody knows why. It's a mystery. It's been well documented that shaving cats is abnormal behaviour.
Spoof Spy Story Picked Up By Hollywood
Legendary Spoof spy Bargis Tryhol, Agent 004 is to be reincarnated as Jason Bourne by Hollywood. BuckwheatsButt is said to be considering a lawsuit.
Vegan 'Full English Breakfast' Product Bombs.
A tomato and some mushrooms on a slice of bread just isn't all that appetising, consumers agree.
Amy Winehouse's Make-Over
Amy Winehouse painted some freckles on her nose to make her look pretty. Now if she can just paint something on her teeth that will make her teeth look pretty.
£1 breaks $1. 70 barrier!
For the first time since October, the pound has broken through the $1.70 barrier. However, bankers say; "the pound is still worth over 6 billion Zimbabwean dollars and is gathering strength."
Orangutans Blow Kisses to Ward off Predators
Naturalists have discovered that orangutans blow kisses to ward off predators. In the same way, Scotsman like Gordon Ramsay will ward off predators with a 'Glasgow kiss'.
Shed for sale
Fine wooden Summer house for sale, nice condition, used only once, buyer collects from Islington area. Enquiries to Boris Johnson Esq after 5 p.m. please.
Hearing called off
A suspected burglar was unable to sue police because a police dog bit off his ear. He claimed he could not hear a police man say: "Ello, Ello, Ello, what's all this then?"
"Miley Cyrus is a slut!", Selena Gomez says.
Oh yes baby! She said that and the two Disney princesses are fighting again. Demi Lovato is supporting Selena while unknown Mandy Whatever her family name is is supporting Miley.
Old Folks Can Turn Gay
Scientists can reveal that the older you get, the happier you will be. This proves that you can become 'gay'. Those naughty 90s!
Scots claim have 'invented' Chicken Tikka Masala
Not satisfied with claims that the English were the ones who invented haggis, they are now picking a fight with the Indians by claiming that they invented Chicken Tikka Masala.
Amanda Holden Losing It...Weight That Is
Britain's Got Talent Judge Amanda Holden has lost 15 pounds. She says that her goal is to look like Amy Winehouse but without all of the ugliness of course.
Shrewsbury Flower Show Held Too Late!
The world famous Shrewsbury flower show was held too late this year. It is almost autumn and the blooms are already fading It would appear that the organisers were caught with their plants down.
Allah Has 99 Attributes?
It is alleged that Allah has 99 attributes. However, nobody knows what they are because it is forbidden to depict all of them. It is thought that 72 of them are virgins.
Michael Phelps Denies Relationship With Whores
Michael Phelps has clearly stated this morning that he "would never date whores"... Good to know.
The Unraveling of Heather Mills
The ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney, Heather Mills released her new fashion line of recycled clothes. They were so hideously ugly that London police were called and Mills was arrested for third-degree gall.
Barry White Music Fails to Encourage Sharks to Mate!
Naturalists have failed to encourage sharks to mate by using Barry White songs. However, his music really 'turns on' whales of all shapes and sizes - perhaps it's because he looks and sounds like one.
Miley Cyrus Very Sick?
Miley Cyrus might not perform tonight in her Hannah Montana concert tour as she said she was "very sick" because of the Selena Gomez-scandal.
A Serious Operation
A man was admitted to the Princess Royal hospital in Telford, suffering from premature ejaculation. The doctors said it was touch and go.
Should have gone to bed
Spoof writer succumbs to exhaustion staying up two days straight waiting for articles to get published.
Thief Determined Not to Be Caught by the Filth!
A shoplifter was caught on CCTV in Sunderland carrying an entire box of Imperial Leather soap today. A police spokesman said; "he was determined not to be caught and so he made a clean getaway!"
No Black Poles
Microsoft are in a row over a photo that appears on a Polish website. The picture shows a black man who has changed colour to white. They might as well have chosen a picture of Michael Jackson.
Gordon Brown Pledges Extra Troop Support
PM Gordon Brown, has pledged extra support for troops in Afghanistan. The soldier has been identified as Flt Sgt Tess Coe of the RAF. An MOD spokesman said; "Every little helps!"
Poll results released: Many Americans have seen UFO's
A poll, conducted by TheSpoof.com, revealed that 32% of Americans believe in UFO's. The rest don't!
Set To Stun!
A new Star Trek range of fragrances is to join the market ready for Christmas. This actually contains traces of WD-40 and engine oil from the starship, USS Enterprise and is guaranteed to work on anoraks!
New Google Logo
In Seine News reports that it is HIGHLY PROBABLE that search engine giant Google will use the 'Loch Ness Monster' in its logo this week. You heard it here first!
The Most Miserable Day
Monday used to be the most miserable day, but according to U.S.mathematicians, Wednesday is now the worst day. In order to avoid any controversy, the WHO have declared that 'TODAY' as the worst day.
The economy is getting so bad that - Police in cities are having to disperse groups of bankers with squeegees, buckets of water and chamois leathers from traffic lights at busy road junctions.
Man and Wife in Bizarre Butchers Shop Accident
A Telford Butcher caught his trousers in a meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. When he was at hospital having treatment, his wife looked after the shop and did the same thing. Disaster!
Actor is attacked By Monkey
American Pie actor, Jason Biggs has been attacked by a monkey in Gibraltar. Peter Tork was filming in Australia at the time, whereas Mickey Dolenz was unavailable for comment.
People can talk to the Mona Lisa in Mandarin
Millions of Chinese can now speak to the Mona Lisa in Mandarin. An In Seine News reporter tried to speak to her, but his phone was only on the Orange network. Is it any wonder she is grinning?
Scientists claim that the smell of freshly cut grass is a great stress reliever. "Smoking freshly cut grass is even better", so says a junkie in our local pub. COOL!
Only 1 in 10 Callers to the NHS Flu Helpline Actually Has Swine Flu
Doctors say that only 1 in 10 callers actually have swine flu, so when I phoned the helpline today with a runny nose, headache etc 9 people were ahead of me in the queue, so I guess I was the one!
Lego Giraffe's tail stolen
A LEGO giraffe has had his tail stolen 4 times this year from a theme Park in Germany. Consisting of 15,000 bricks, the 12 inch sculpture costs £2,600 to replace. Police do not suspect James May.
Shark Born Out Water
A shark was born in Cheshire aquarium as it was being moved to the quarantine section in a divers hands. This is NOT unusual as hundreds of loan sharks are born out of water in Liverpool & London.
Existence of the Christian Right disproves Intelligent Design
In what may turn out to be the final battle between Natural Science and "Creation Science," the concept of Intelligent Design has been disproved by the very existence of the so-called Christian Right.
Pensioner Hurt in Car Accident
An old lady was seriously injured at today in Bedford when her car collided with a group of trees. An ambulance driver said; "she will make a full recovery, but she is not out of the woods yet!
Hilary Duff Is Not Fat
Hilary Duff is not fat and critics are her to claim that.
Comfort Eating at Times of Stress Is a Myth!
Researchers claim that comfort eating at times of stress is a myth. Their evidence is that Ethiopians and Sudanese lead far more stressful lives than their American counterparts and they don't eat!
Plastic Ono Band Disbands
Yoko Ono, the no talent twit whose affair with John Lennon was not understandable, announced today the disbanding of The Plastic Ono Band due to plastic's "carbon footprint." There is a God!
PCD No More!
The Pussycat Dolls broke up this afternoon... Sad! We'll tell you more soon.
Blind Man Loses Wife
A blind man from Manchester, who followed his wife on a shopping trip lost track of her when she went in to the fish market today.
The Spoof Is Most Hated Website
For the second time in a row, The Spoof was ranked Most Hated Website Of All-Time beating contenders like Perez Hilton and CNN.
Hilary Duff Calls Miley Cyrus "Poser"
Hilary Duff said Miley Cyrus was a "poser" because "she acts like [me] and follows everything I do! She's like a stalker... She's creepy... Did you see how ugly her face is?".
Google Chief's Future
Google chief Eric Schmidt quits Apple for Orange.
Vera Lynn becomes 'oldest living piss artist to reach top 20'
Dame Vera, daughter of the late Queen Mother, hasn;t been sober since the Luftwaffe trashed London.
Sushi Bar to Close As the Dish Is off!
A London sushi bar that specialises in serving sushi from naked models has had to close because a customer could not tell if it was the sushi or the woman that smelled.
Doctors performing Ted Kennedy's Autopsy Don't Have to Wash Hands
"There's so much alcohol in his blood that everything is already sterile."
Ted Kennedy Cannot Be Buried in Arlington Next to JFK
Fire marshalls have too many concerns about putting a man with that much alcohol in his system too close to "The Eternal Flame."
Obama Trades In Presidential Limo in Cash for Clunkers
To take advantage of the Cash for Clunkers program, President Obama has traded in the Presidential limosine for a Chevy Volt, according to sources. The Volt allegedly gets 2,600 MPG.
Daily walk can halve risk of dying....
...by dropping dead indoors.
Venice may ban day-trippers
New nocturnal strain of acid tabs all the rage with the city's gondoliers...
Poland demands bounty from Russia for wartime pact with Nazis
Someone somehow forgot to invoice Joseph Stalin for the Polish Fascist Party's invitation to invade Warsaw on 1 September 1939.
Miracle recovery as Lockerbie bomber's terminal arse tumor vanishes!
AbdelBasset Ali al-Megrahi says a $10 million book and movie deal created such a huge surge of endorphins that the ugly bum cancer just plain melted!
Arctic Seamen pirates demand Scottish justice!
The pirates who seized the Russian nuke bomb carrier want to be tried by a Scots court sitting in the Netherlands and a great big dollop of that famous compassion...
Cops keeping mum about 'Wills & Harry did the gems heist'
Two masked men arrested today in the $65m bling snatch have been identified as Princes William and Harry, 'working for their Granny' after she lost the Crown Jewels in the Madoff fiasco.
Wang Electronics Announces Plans To Move Manufacturing Plant to U.S.
Tallywacker, Alabama and Peter, South Carolina are considered early favorites.
Ted Kennedy Corpse To Receive No Formaldahyde
Embalmers say he's already pickled.
Ted Kennedy's Death Has Adverse Effect on D.C. Businesses
Three Washington bars go out of business due to loss of best customer.
Disneyworld announces new ride in honor of Ted Kennedy's death
"Chappaquiddick Bridge" ride will make September 1st debut.
Kennedy family makes hospital request after Ted's death
"We don't want the same guys who did Michael Jackson's autopsy."
Spliff-a-day cure for stiff joints
Smoking just one joint a day stops the spread of osteoporosis, rheumatism, arthritis, dementia, alzheimers, and...other incurable stuff, man...
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