Order by:
Rating:

Obama - "I Know Where You Live!"

"100 days into my presidency I know where you ALL live however I can't find Bin, Brown, Orozco or Bulger!"

Source - barackobama.web

"Not so the big man he pretends to be!" - Iain

written by iscrivener, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Ohio Plumber's Wife Dies

Leslie Anderson, 47 of Bowling Green, Ohio, who has been married to her 350-pound plumber husband Joe for over 25 years, has died from an overdose of crack.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Sibling rivalry breaks out between the Princes at RAF station

Prince William and Prince Harry are both training to be helicopter pilots. An MOD spokesman said that there appears to be a sibling rivalry as to who has the biggest chopper!

written by IN SEINE, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Swine Flu Traced To Rednecks

The WHO has now traced the origins of the Swine Flu beyond Mexico and now believe it started with banjo playing rednecks near the Cahulawassee River, which runs by Sylva, North Carolina.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Scientist found dead whilst wearing an invisible cloak

A scientist, from the University of California has been found dead in his garage whilst wearing an invisible cloak. A police spokesman says; "currently, we are looking for an invisible dagger!"

written by IN SEINE, 30 April 2009
Rating:

The English Football Games

Good News, Bad News: The good news is that finally after six years all British troops will be leaving Iraq. The bad news is that they'll be working security at English football games.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

The Two Heroin-Selling Old Gals

Two Pennsylvania sisters ages 70 and 65 have been arrested for selling heroin. Meanwhile their aunt, who lives in a New Jersey Senior Citizens Home has been arrested for selling counterfeit Viagara.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Boss Hogg Ain't Feelin' Too Good

Reports are that Boss Hogg from "The Dukes of Hazzard" has not been feeling too good lately. His wife said that it's just probably a little touch of the 'flu.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Chrysler's Chapter 11 Colossal Car Sale

Chrysler will file for bankruptcy. A high ranking executive says that they will probably have to sell 2009 models for anywhere from $900 to $2,000 cash (no refunds).

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

America - The Land of The Mergers

Italy's Fiat will reportedly merge with bankrupt Chrysler. Meanwhile Fisher-Price will merge with General Motors.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Secretary Of State Clinton Warns Iran

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton warned Iran today that "you have got to stay home sometimes and quit hanging around trailer parks with your tongue hanging out....sorry, can I have some coffee?"

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

A 2-year-old girl has an IQ of 156

A little girl from North London who is only two years old has a remarkable IQ of 156. This beats Gordon Brown by 101 - allegedly.

written by IN SEINE, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Neighbor Arrested

Neighbor picked up by police after running around his yard nearly naked and making wild noises, tells police he was frustrated because no one was answering his mating calls.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Swine Flu Claims 500,000

Here's a Bulletin: Swine Flu death toll has risen to 500,000! Wow! Excuse me, that should be 500,000 pigs.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Not All Honda Cars Safe

Police in New Hampshire say that the death of a near nude man that was found in a local Honda dealership has been ruled as "Exposure to the Elements".

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

PR, Jamaica Cut Exports

Puerto Rico and Jamaica have announced that they are cutting the world's supply of rum until Somali pirates agree to allow their ships to pass safely.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

On This Day In 1962

On this day in 1962, the Cuban Missile Crisis led to a major confrontation between the US and the USSR, causing the world's worst day of pants-shatting in history thus far.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Zombies End Strike

Papa Who Mao Mao of Zombies Local #119 has declared their strike over after a 10% raise in BRAINS was offered. Workers now back at the docks at Port-Au-Prince.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Still Another Victim

The Swine Flu claimed another victim in Mexico City yesterday when a man smothered himself too death by wearing three layers of face masks.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Kerry Doesn't Recognize Former Buddies

John Kerry stated yesterday "I don't recognize my former friend, John McCain, anymore but I don't have to. We have 60 Dems in Senate now. Come to think of it, Joe Biden's head looks different too.""

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

WHO Confirms Flu Cases Have Risen

WHO raises its tally of confirmed swine flu cases to 236 worldwide. "That's a whole .00000033 of the entire world's population!", says representative.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Pelosi Praises Obama

Nancy Pelosi, Senator from California, says Obama's first 100 days have been wonderful. "Our traffic jams are down, pollution down in California, thanks mostly to a nearly 10% unemployment rate!

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Obama: Do Not Panic!

President Obama today told the American citizens not to panic because of Swine Flu outbreak. "We have plenty of medicine on hand and with Gitmo emptied soon, plenty of room for a Swine Flu colony."

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

"Try Mexico"

If you want a place free from infectious diseases and the possibility of your kids dying in a drug shooting or being kidnapped. Mexico like heaven on earth

written by disciple, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Magazine Defends Pigs

Time Magazine has just come out with a story with the headlines, "Swine Flu: Don't Blame the Pig" warning it's readers that the police have enough on their hands. Don't blame them for flu outbreak.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Wild Theories On Flu!

Swine flu source spawns wild theories! Scientists say: Not the work of terrorists, CEO's's seeking revenge on the government, postal worker cracking up, alien abductions. Well, 50% on postal workers.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Swine Flu Not As Bad

Scientists see the Swine Flu strain as relatively less deadly.
Genetic data indicate this outbreak won't be as deadly as that of 1918, or even the black plague of Europe.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

VP Got Swine Flu?

VP Joe Biden told reporters he would not recommend riding on subway "at this point" because swine flu can spread "in confined places." One hour later, Biden rushed to hospital with curling hairplugs.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Pilgrims Prepare To Leave

Hundreds of thousands from all over the world properly prepare themselves to take their sacred journey to the Galapagos Islands, the holiest of all Atheist sites.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Suicide Bummer

Suicide Bomber misses bus as it was running late once again in Israel. Panics as time runs out and only takes out the dog who's shit he just stepped in.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Jamaica Foot Farewell

Police in Jamaica have announced that during the night some "Slimeball" has taken the foot off preserved body of Bob Marley at the National Roach Reserve and smoked it.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

14 Passengers Missing

14 passengers aboard a Carnival Cruise are missing this morning. Witnesses say that when they went to bed, all 14 had been into some heavy drinking and had just formed a line to do the Hokey Pokey.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Prison Officer Resigns

Prison officer resigns after giving birth to baby of a 'dangerous' inmate. Apparently inmate was mowing other things than the prison lawn.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Woman Devastated From Mistake

Woman devastated after council mistakenly send letter saying husband has died in care home, kids all dead from Swine Flu, lose by Manchester United.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Junior Minister Entertains

Anger as junior minister blames 'Hairy Angel' Susan Boyle for swine flu pandemic, French for not washing, Irish staying "well-alcoholed" against germs.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

The Intoxicated Breast-Feeding Mama

A 26-year-old woman in North Dakota has been charged with breast-feeding while intoxicated. Police first became suspicious when they noticed that she was using the other breast as a drink coaster.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Today's Top News

We're one step away from a pandemic: WHO chiefs raise threat level as they say mass swine flu outbreak is imminent, could kill millions. Meanwhile in other news, Lindsay Lohan is mad at her dad.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

The Swine Flu and Disney

Saudi Arabia taking a cue from Egypt who has ordered that all pigs be killed is taking it one step farther. The have banned the reading of the children's classic, The Three Little Pigs.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

The Egyptian Pigs

The Cairo Chronicle-Times printed that Egypt has ordered that every single pig in the country be slaughtered. Immediately thousands of Egyptian men quickly headed for the Libyan border.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Mexico's 'Fanless' Soccer Games

This weekend 176 professional soccer games in Mexico will be played without fans due to the swine flu outbreak. And reports are that next weekend 140 bullfights will be held without the bulls.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Blockbuster & Hollywood Video Say, "Just Say No"

Blockbuster and Hollywood Videos have both announced that effective immediately they are taking all of their DVD's of Babe - Pig In The City off of their shelves.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Arnold Ziffel Brand Bacon

And word out of Hollywood says that all television reruns of "Green Acres" will have Arnold (Ziffel) the Pig digitally removed from all scenes. CBS has said that they will replace him with a rooster.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Woody's Step Daughter/Wife

Woody Allen celebrated his 101st birthday by taking his step-daughter/wife to Chuck E. Cheese.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Bye Bye Piggly Wiggly

The Piggly Wiggly Supermarket Chain has decided to change its name due to the swine flu conotations. The new name will be Skunkly Wiggly.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Flu Squeezes Mexican Economy

Mexican economy squeezed by swine flu! One whole border drug gang hospitalized, another down to half gang.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

"Dancing With The Stars" In Ring Three

"Dancing With The Stars" in order to lure even more viewers has recently come out with two different features. First was the "Group Dance." Then came "The Team Dance." Next week? The "Judges' Dance."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Marriage With 8-Year-Old Annuled

Media reports say an arranged marriage between a Saudi girl aged 8 and a man in his 50s has been annulled, in a case attracting worldwide criticism. "Should at least be nine", says Mormon sect leader.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Complete Invisibility?

Scientists have now rendered objects completely invisible to near-infrared light. The announcement came from voices behind microphones set behind a lecture in Washington DC this morning.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Turkish Planes Hit Kurds

Turkish warplanes, which have trouble getting quick altitude because of big bodies, small wings, bombed Kurdish rebel positions in northern Iraq on Wednesday and Thursday, Turkish officials say.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

NYC Building Collapse

Building collapse at NYC construction site as crew boss says half his workers showed up with hangovers, the shakes after getting drunk following low-flying plane incident earlier in the week.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

N.H. Headed For Gay Marriage?

New Hampshire moves closer to gay marriage. Friends say it has it's gay eye set on Vermont or even Massachusetts.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Operations May Be Needed More At Home

Britain ends combat operations in Iraq. Calling all surgeons, doctors and nurses home as they may be needed for bigger battles against the Swine Flu.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Twins In Car Bombings

Death toll from twin Iraq car bombs rises to 51 but twins get to share nearly 150 virgins.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Mexico To Shut Down

The nation of Mexico plans shutdown as WHO raises flu alert and nation planning for a full week long siesta.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Credit Card Reform

Credit card reform legislation nears passage as Mastercard, Visa, etc. may only be able to charge 25% instead of 50% on late payments. Also, no more busted kneecaps.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Obama Avoiding Being Exciting

President Obama says he works to avoid being exciting. "I've even passed out during my own speeches", says the President.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Why Flu Cannot Be Contained

Why border controls can't keep out the flu virus? Experts say uncovered sneezes & coughs, even farts of victims go into the air & eventually float with clouds, come down in rains all around the world.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Hillary Clinton attempts negotiation with Swine flu

No, really. A result of this is she's fallen ill with it. She will die. Good on her.

written by warmaster, 30 April 2009
Rating:

Wonder What He Smokes?

Officials in Uruguay said today that 62-year-old Estez Cherro of Paraguay in South America has discovered that when he went to see a friend in Chile 3 years ago, he apparently came back to Uruguay.

written by Bureau, 30 April 2009
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