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Win Some, Lose Some

Greenpeace rescued two polar bears stranded on an ice floe off Alaska yesterday, thereby condemning the extinction of two rare buzzards who were waiting and watching.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Chicago Raising Funds

Chicago's Mayor Daley, hoping to raise funds for the city, has announced this morning that as of May first, all 911 calls will cost $3.99 for the first minute with an extra $1.99 a minute after that.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Lions Fans Roar

Detroit Lions fans are outraged after learning that some players on last year's zero-winning team left games early to avoid heavy traffic.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Trebek In Jeopardy

Alex Trebek being questioned about Jeopardy Game Show being fixed after contestant's accidental fart pronounced the correct answer.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Call Greenpeace, PETA

A previously unknown breed of fox was discovered yesterday in Lincoln, Nebraska, hanging in the coat closet of 101-year-old Trudey Tompkins.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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On This Date In 1997

On this day in 1997, Bill Clinton became the first president to be found wandering around a trailer park without any pants at 3AM in the morning.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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"Rub It In, Rub It In"

A new generation of anti-impotency drugs that are rubbed into the skin could prove more effective than Viagra, research indicates. However, they also warn not to keep on rubbing it in at fast pace.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Took His Golf Seriously

Perfect shot: Golfer with one arm and one eye gets hole in one, while golfing mate in perfect health later found having hanged himself.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Obama Scare

Obama's swine flu scare after shaking hands with Mexican, archaeologist who died 24 hours later, told the scientist actually died from old Aztec curse.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Man Hasn't Been Out Much Lately

Home sweet home: The man who's lived in the same flat for 100 years claims he's afraid that he will be ran over by runaway carriages.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Sharia Law In Britain?

EU judges want Sharia law applied in British courts, women showing ankles, wearing too much make-up & jewelry.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Noisy Sex Woman Locked Up

Peace for the neighbours: Woman who broke Asbo stopping her from having noisy sex is locked up but at it again last night in cell.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Yorkshireman Suddenly Sings In Irish Accent

Yorkshireman has a brain operation and wakes up singing in a thick Irish accent, placed on 24-hour suicide watch.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Don't Fly To US, Mexico

'Don't fly to America': EU warns Britons to avoid travelling to U.S. and Mexico as fears grow of swine flu pandemic. Those Americans and Mexicans arriving at Heathrow Airport warned also.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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New Jewish Settlements Began

Construction has begun on approximately 60 new homes in a Jewish settlement in Israeli-occupied East Jerusalem and on Manhattan's Lower East Side, the Israeli campaign group Peace Now says.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Swine Flu Now In Europe

The first case of swine flu has been confirmed in Europe as Spain cancels it's annual "Running Of The Boars" in Pamplona.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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China Bans Imports

China has banned imports of pork products from Mexico and several US states as part of attempts to prevent a deadly flu virus entering the country and combining with bird, chicken and panda flu.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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WMD's Once Again

The proliferation of weapons of mass destruction is once again at the top of US security agenda - and not only from hostile states such as Iran and North Korea, but also outraged republicans.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Epic Journey Ends Abruptly

A replica 16th-Century junk has sunk off Taiwan, one day short of completing an epic voyage to the US and back. The ten-year project apparently was ended by an attack by Somali pirates.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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A Good Global Warming Sign

In a sign that Global Warming is here. A polar bear was recently seen fanning himself with a salmon.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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The Unbelievable Black Boxes

A fire broke out in the Washington D.C. museum that houses airplane black boxes. Although there was damage to the structure, there was no damage to the museum items at all.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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Fortune 100 Companies Are Hiring!

Many Fortune 100 companies are reporting that they will be hiring hundreds of people. The people are called 'movers' who will be 'moving' the companies to Pakistan, India, and Mexico.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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WellPoint, Point Well Taken

The board of directors of one of the largest health insurance companies in the nation WellPoint have voted 11 to 1 to change the name of the company to We're Not Feeling So WellPoint.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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FOR SALE: The Biggest Farm In The World

In a sign that the U.S. economy is still in bad shape, The Wells Fargo Bank has just had to repossess State Farm's farm.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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Bank of America Moving Her Assets

Bank of America has decided that after tremendous pressure from its customers who want the company to reflect a major change, they will soon become Bank of America Located in Pakistan.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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The Lou Dobbs Designer Border Fence

Lou Dobbs is now proposing that due to the Swine Flu epidemic, that the United States government now build a 90 foot high electrified border fence between the United States and Mexico.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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Brobama's 'Future' Mexican Travel Plans

President Obama says that Vice-President Joe Biden's got the next ten official governmental trips to Mexico.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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The Taliban Is In Bad Economic Shape

The Taliban is facing a horrible economic situation. They plan on asking the United States for a bailout.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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The Pontiac's Are Going, Going, Gone!

General Motors in a desperation move will be phasing out the Pontiac. Meanwhile Ford in a despeation move of their own will be phasing out the Ford.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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Rush Limbaugh's Border Moat Proposal

GOP Radio Host Rush Limbaugh is asking that President Obama build a border moat between the United States and Mexico filled with swine-eating alligators.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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Iowa - Land of The Happy Gay Weddingers

The first same-sex couple to legally marry in Iowa are two 49-year-old women. Both left the wedding ceremony saying that they were on their way to Wal-Mart to buy "Hers & Hers" towels.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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Al Qaeda Reports Huge LO$$E$

Al Qaeda reports 2008 losses of $30 million. Rumors are that it is considering merging with The Fox Network.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 April 2009
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Salvador May Hold Vote

In El Salvador, the government has agreed to have a vote of the population to change the name of their capital city, San Salvador, to Salvador Dali, since purchasing one of his paintings recently.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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PM Brown In Afghanistan

UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been in Afghanistan's Helmand province visiting British troops. May make his headquarters there for awhile "until things settle down a bit at home."

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Oil Tanker Freed From Pirates

Yemeni special forces have freed an oil tanker captured by Somali pirates, Yemeni officials say. Country celebrates with all 211 of country's military holding parade.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Talks Called Off

The Taliban's talks with the government in north-west Pakistan have been suspended amid army operations against militants, a Taliban negotiator refused to say at press conference yesterday.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Sri Lanka Switches Tactics

Sri Lankan troops will no longer use heavy weapons or air strikes in fighting against Tamil Tiger rebels the government says. Instead they will attack small group left with deadly ridicule, sarcasm.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Swine Flu Alarm

A top European Union official has warned against travel to areas hit by an outbreak of swine flu, amid growing concern over the spread of the virus as neighbors begin squealing on neighbors!

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Pakistan Routs Taliban

The Pakistan army ran most of Taliban fighters out of northern city only 60 miles from Capitol,Islamabad. Over 10,000 people from the northern city claim they got bruises from falling down stairs.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Swine Flu The Big One?

Is swine flu 'the big one' or a flu that fizzles? "Fizzle? I almost fizzled myself to death", claims one survivor.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Swine Flu Hits Some Harder

Now pirates upset for lack of publicity due to outbreak of swine flu, join Chevaz, Castros, Taliban, North Korea and Iran complaints. French President now working in the nude.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Chrysler CEO Working Hard

CEO says he's working hard, staying at job for long hours, to save Chrysler and jobs, "especially my own ass."

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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GM Cuts Jobs, Wrists

General Motors to cut 21,000 US factory jobs, shed Pontiac and drop all plans to reintroduce, The Edsel.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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5 Tips On Swine Flu

Swine flu: 5 things you need to know about the outbreak: Stay home as much as possible. Wear mask. Don't shake hands. Wash hands often. Avoid mate if he/she begins to grunt and/or squeal during sex.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Elibeth Cheney: Water Boarding Was Fun

Elizabeth Cheney says water boarding is not torture. "Daddy used it all the time on us as part of out water slide, then we'd do him and he'd laugh till he almost drowned."

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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NY Times Cuts Space

The New York Times cuts travel, fashion sections and goes to shorter articles. Finally, may change it's name to the New York Snippets.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Gore Hails Discovery

Earth-Sized planet discovered circling nearby star discovered just in time, says Al Gore, who has begun the building of a space ark.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Bad News, Good News

The bad news: Over 200 tons of drugs dumped into the U.S. waterways. The good news: We may not need any vaccinations for some time as example of Swine Flu not hitting U.S. citizens as hard as others.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Nigeria On Top Of Things

Gun shop owners say their businesses are booming. Hot item at present: Thousands of back orders for just released gun from Nigeria that shoots down swine flu germs.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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President Addresses Credit Card Abuse

President Obama says he will invest credit card abuses, especially higher interests, being used to open locked doors during burglaries.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Obama Giving Away Secrets?

Conservatives condemn President for shaking hands with Chavez, using the sacred Skull & Bones secret handshake.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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Planes Watching For Talibirds

First evidence of Talibirds, wild geese forming to fly into plane engines to protests their being shot for sport, found in New Jersey.

written by Bureau, 27 April 2009
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How low will they have to stoop?

The economy is so bad women in Beverly Hills are now using the sun to get a tan.

written by IN SEINE, 27 April 2009
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Now that's using your common cents...

San Francisco homeless man selling pennies by the pound as scrap copper. Since no one takes large numbers of pennies anymore, he says its easier, and he gets more money that way in today's economy.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 April 2009
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A Little Too Late...

George W. Bush kicked in the head while re-shoeing a horse. Now reportedly able to solve complex mathematical equations, etc. in his head.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 April 2009
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Three Little Pigs Dead

Production halted at Grand Rapids, MI company after 3 swine found dead of human flu virus. Families of pigs will be provided for by Arnold Ziffel Foundation, founded by Zsa Zsa Gabor in 1971.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 April 2009
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