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Rating:

Prostitutes Having Hard Times

Three new all-night bars and off-campus college housing drive prostitutes out of business and small town just outside of Tuscon, Arizona.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Realty Agent Cracks

A realty agent in California finally cracked up today after making no sales in the weak housing market for the past two months and began asking potential customers to carry her over the thresholds.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
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Help Wanted Ads Down

Most major newspapers say that their "Help Wanted " sections are now down to bathroom attendants, laxative testers and CPA's.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Ozzy Says He's Fine

Ozzy Osbourne who was rushed to hospital yesterday has released a report that says he is fine and for his fans not to worry. "For awhile there, I had too much blood in my alcohol & drug system."

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

MLB Changes

Major League Baseball, in order to draw larger crowds, will have bikini clad ladies hold up the number of balls and strikes on the batter after each pitch later this season.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Sir Alec Winston, 78

In London Sir Alec Winston had a bit of a problem yesterday after swallowing his monocle that had fallen into his wine glass at the Club, where he proceeded to make a spectacle of himself.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Can't Control Profits, Bowels

Citing a sharp drop in global industrial demand that resulted in a 59 percent decline in first-quarter profit, chemical maker DuPont Co. said Tuesday it is boosting efforts to cut costs, wet farts.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Earth-Sized Planet Discovered

Earth-sized planet discovered in galaxy outside of our own solar system, pretend they don't know us from Adam.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Justice At Last

A mother whose 10-yr-old son was mugged at knifepoint in a playground by 7-yr-old child & had hit out at the law preventing attacker being prosecuted, arrested for telling 7- yr-old there's no Santa.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Watchdog Turns State Evidence

Violence meted out by G20 police was 'unacceptable' watchdog tells MPs as officers who hid IDs face punishment & watchdog put into watchdog protection kennel.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Widow To Cover Garden Gnomes

Council orders widow to cover up naked garden gnomes after complaint from neighbour that foggy weather had produced spotted dicks.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Just A Little HICCUP!!

Terror as jet has to abort its take-off three times as pilot finally leaves with the worse case of hiccups anyone at the airport had ever seen.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Chinese Hack Pentagon


China denies its cyber-spies hacked into the Pentagon's most expensive weapons programme and leave ass prints.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Groom's Last Fling Alright

Dorset groom who fancied 'one last fling' on stag do, jailed for sexually assaulting woman, man and his blow-up doll, Susie Boyle.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

UK's Painful Recovery

UK to suffer the most during credit crunch as IMF warns recovery with be 'slow, rough, nail-pulling, ball-bustingly painful'

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

New swimming teacher appointed

The Nether Regional Girls School, Upper 6th swimming team has appointed a new teacher who knows everything about everyone. Her name is Claire Buoyant.

written by norma snockers, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Meghan McCain - Have Voice Will Travel

Newt Gingrich slams President Obama because he shook hands with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Meanwhile Meghan McCain slams Gingrich for looking like a cabbage patch doll with a cheap toupee.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Mickey Rourke's Real Reality Show

Mickey Rourke has been asked by FOX to star in his own reality show. The show's title will be, "Hi I'm Mickey Rourke and I Have No Friggin' Idea What I'm Doing Or Where I Am."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Roger Clemens To Star In His Second Movie

Roger Clemens who earlier this year starred in The Warner Brother's movie, Oops, The Mark McGuire Story has just been signed to star in Oops, The Joaquin Phoenix Story.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Iceland's Prime Minister Sigurdardottir's "Pretty" Gay House

Prime Minister Johanna Sigurdardottir of Iceland, who is openly gay, has just announced that she is renaming the Prime Minister's national residence, "The Pink House."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Mel Gibson's Math: $1 Billion Divided By Two Equals $1/2 Billion

Mel Gibson has told his wife that if she drops the divorce proceedings he will buy her the most expensive Lamborghini in the world, a 24-carat tongue stud, and the country of France.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 April 2009
Rating:

The Bar's Former "Happy Hour"

The nation's economy continues to sag ever downward. The largest bar in Waterloo, Iowa, The Corn Flakes Lounge has just replaced the name of its "Happy Hour" to "The Not-So-Happy Hour."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 April 2009
Rating:

The Real Murphy of Murphy's Law

There is a nationwide movement to replace the name Murphy's Law to reflect its original founder, Murphy Brown's Law.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Steven Hawkins "Im OK, it's just a Hair-ball"

Steven Hawkins alarmed everyone yesterday at a conference: he started a coughing jag, within moments the noted physicist coughed up a huge hair ball. So much said for the perils of self grooming.

written by Leonardo Picasso, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Speed Limit Reduced

In Britain, A-roads will have speed limit reduced to 50mph from the present, 100MPH as part of Government's road safety plans.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Britain's smallest dog receives fine

Tilly, a 'chorky' (which is a cross between a Chihuahaua and Yorkshire terrier) may only be six inches high, but he has already fallen foul of the law when he was caught pissing up a matchstick.

written by norma snockers, 21 April 2009
Rating:

IRS Arrest Dallas Couple

Couple arrested in Dallas, Texas by IRS after writing house off as a "church", for the past 7 years. Claim Entertainment Center is where they practice their worshiping of Regis.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Brown Gets Tough

Gordon Brown has said MPs' second homes allowances should be replaced by flat-rate daily Commons attendance expenses for basic food, shelter & hooker allowances.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Sun, Earth Dimming

The Sun is the dimmest it has been for nearly a century, say astronomers. Say they think that it is somehow connected with the recent Bush, Blair administrations.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Breastfeeding Helps Mothers

Women who breastfeed their babies may be lowering their own risk of a heart attack, heart disease or stroke, research suggests. However, there's a 50% increase in being attacked if done on subways.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Water-Boarding Works

Former US V.P. Dick Cheney has urged the CIA to release memos which he says show harsh interrogation techniques such as water-boarding work. "We'd never have convicted O.J., Phil Specter without them.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Times Receives 5 Pulitzers

The NY Times has won 5 Pulitzers amid the financial crisis. Each one a story of how the NY Times is going under fast.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

FEMA In Kentucky

At least some federal money is beginning to come into Kentucky for work needed to restore power and clear roads after a Jan. 29 ice storm. "They's just coming up the holler, now", stated one victim.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Local Guy Makes FBI TopTerrorist List

For the first time, an accused domestic terrorist is being added to the FBI's "Most Wanted" terror suspects. Daniel Andreas, San Diego accused of planning to blow up Washington, DC "Comfort House".

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Food Junkie Zombies

When unhealthy foods hijack brains it leads to disaster, states nutrition expert. Then some turn too quickly to healthy grains, instead of a gradual change. Says he's tired of hearing, "Brans! Brans!"

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

U.S.Ups Aid

U.S. to give Chrysler, General Motors new aid. Also to furnish more sugar for General Mills with new deal with Cuba.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Robots Narrowing Gap

Robots are narrowing the gap with humans, say several leading scientists. Withing ten years some humans could pass up their metallic cousins.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

President, VP Deefcake

President Beefcake? D.C. magazine to feature shirtless Obama on cover, pantless Joe Biden in centerfold.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

U.N. Scientist:: Human Gas Causing Global Warming

Scientists warned that the increase in big-eaters means more food production, a major cause of CO2 gas emissions warming planet. U.N. advises "The More Ass, The More Gas" stickers to be handed out.

written by Bureau, 21 April 2009
Rating:

Scientists claim 'Beer Goggles' idea is a myth,

The concept of 'beer googles' that make men view women as more attractive the more they drink is a myth, claim scientists. However, looking at women for too long can cause beer to go flat.

written by IN SEINE, 21 April 2009
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