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Rating:

Everyone Remain Calm So You Can Die Quickly

In a call early this morning from an undisclosed location, President Obama & family send their love and ask U.S. citizens to remain calm as computer hackers have hacked the nuclear launch codes.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
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Bush Into Quantum Computers?

Researchers create quantum computer which works best when it is turned Off. Eerily enough, the same thing seemed to happen when George Bush was on vacations.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
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Congressional Staff Infection?

It has been reported that a congressional aide has caught a staff infection at the congressional gym. Who the staff was or what the aide caught is unknown, but they're taking a lot of penicillin.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Pirates In Caribbean

Pirates now in the Caribbean as U.S. oil tanker boarded and taken over by Haitians on their rafts.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
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New Drug Czar Different

The new Drug Czar appears more progressive than the previous ones, with his Dashiki shirt and copyrighted Jerry Garcia glasses.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Meet At The Alter?

White House Science Adviser says the United States is considering altering the earth's climate. Radio Talk Show crowds say they may alter White House Science Adviser.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Specter Rolls Eyes, Circles Ears

People staging all those Boston Tea Parties last week over increased taxes are all mad as hatters, says Phil Spector.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Franken/Coleman Split Seat

Comedian Al Franken agrees to share Minnesota Senate seat with opponent Norm Coleman, who will play the straight guy.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Old B/W Pirate Movies Making Comeback

"Abbott And Costello Meet The Pirates" #7 at the movie box office last week, followed by another B&W, "The Death Of A Pirate" starring Douglas Fairbanks. Look for over 100 more of these classics!

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Jung Il Does It Again

North Korea has announced to it's cheering citizens that their astronauts sent up by rocket a couple weeks ago have planted a North Korean flag on the dark side of the sun.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Depp Being Sued

Johnny Depp is being sued by several companies around the world for "Starting back up all this pirate shit."

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Madoff Says He's OK

Bernie Madoff tells reporters that jail life hasn't been all that bad. He has a caring cellmate, a mint on the pillow every night.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Camping Out At Macys

Ohio family that had lost it's home to foreclosure & had taken up residence in tent in Macy's Outdoor section, has been told by the store to stay where they are as it's bringing in lots of customers.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

New Jerry Garcia Stamps Ready

The United Postal Service has announced the sale of their new $5.00 Jerry Garcia postage stamp with the special U-Lick-Em glue on the back.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

New Law Has Mixed Response

A new law in New Jersey will force state's teenager drivers to display a special sticker on the back of their car. The law is being condemned by Free Speech Advocates, but cheered by teen kidnappers.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Tennessee Songwriter Wins Big!

In Tennessee, Lawrence Gilliam Jones, Grandpa Jones grandson, has been named the BMI Songwriter of the Year with his huge bestseller, "She's A Hog For Love".

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Ala. Scouts The First In Nation

The Greater Alabama Council Boy Scouts of American say they are the first in the nation to be 100% Counselor molester free!

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

China Building Panda Center

China has announced that it is building a new Panda Center, saying they should have over 100,000 U.S. new black & white police cars ready to go by end of this year.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Should Be A Riot

The United States is boycotting the U.N. racism conference, but individual KKK members, Communists, Rev. Wright and Radio Talk Show hosts to attend.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
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Obama Asks For More Time

President Obama reaches out to United State's antagonists, asking for more time for him to find a few honest people to fill his staff offices.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
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Earth Day Longer This Year

This year Earth Day should last for at least a week, say environmental group. Earth at least another one hundred years.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
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Nursing Homes Try New Tack

Many rest homes are trying a new tack. "Sharper longer tacks should check amount of ass fat better, says Spokesman.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Transvestites At Hybrid Car Shows

China to use transvestites at Auto Shows featuring their new lower-cost, 60 MPG hybrid models.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

CIA: Too Many Only Know One Language

The CIA is still lacking on language skills, according to a just released report. Most only speak one language. Recommend that all new recruits at least learn Spanish, English.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Pirate Attack Foiled

Pirates attack foiled as NATO releases some of those captured earlier. If keeping score, that's NATO 7, Pirates 3.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
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Green Camping

Green camping, fishing, more in natural "Open air" leading many to be treated for allergies and nature's mosquito attacks & diseases.

written by Bureau, 20 April 2009
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Jane Asher has agreed to donate her brain to medical science

She hopes scientists will be able to discover more about the cause of Mr Kipling's Disease

written by Roy Turse, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Jamie Foxx To Star As Dennis Rodman

Jamie Foxx has agreed to star in The Dennis Rodman Story. Foxx will have to get a dozen piercings, 20 tattoos, and 10-inch high basketball shoes.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Like The Simon & Garfunkel Song

The International Food Federation has determined that parsley when mixed with sage, rosemary, and thyme can actually produce a very harmonious and melodic salad.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 April 2009
Rating:

The Circus Wants A Bailout

The Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus has asked the U.S. for a bailout. A circus spokesmen said that it has become much to expensive to continue to shoot the man out of the cannon.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Jennifer Aniston & Lindsay Lohan

In the amazing coincidence department. Lindsay Lohan is being considered to star in 'The Jennifer Aniston Story.' And Jennifer Aniston is being considered to star in 'The Lindsay Lohan Story.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 April 2009
Rating:

The French Poodle Jockeys

The age old French custom of racing thoroughbred horses with poodles as jockeys is being discontinued immediately. Research studies found that many of the poodles were developing race related trauma.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Susan Boyle is really Mickey Dolenz says Davy Jones

Pint-sized former teen popstar Davy Jones angrily outed Susan Boyle as Mickey Dolenz on the Larry King Show. Davy said "It's a stunt for Mickey's latest album- no-one believes me cos I'm short"

written by Khadija, 20 April 2009
Rating:

'Susan Boyle' is my former client 'Jade Goody' says Max

The silver stoat Max Cliffhord says he is entitled to 50% of Susan Boyle's fortune because she is really Jade Goody. "You never saw them together did you- there's the proof" said Max yesterday.

written by Khadija, 20 April 2009
Rating:

Susan Boyle is Eddie Large says Sid Little

'Supersonic' Sid claims Susan Boyle is his former partner Eddie Large who bullied him in the seventies. You can tell by the neck and good singing voice - are people blind and deaf?

written by Khadija, 20 April 2009
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