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Rating:

Brutus Cleared: Family Says Justice At Last

Scientists have cleared Brutus of helping to murder Julius Caesar in 44BCE after sifting through newly discovered DNA evidence.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Trouble Troubled No More

Leona Helmsley's dog, a 9-year-old Maltese named Trouble, now down to only a measly $2 million because of the stock market, jumps off high rise.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Need A Play-Off..What Was That?

Space storm alert: We're moving closer & closer to the edge of a disaster from sun storms blasting earth with heat, cutting off technology. Meanwhile congress still debates the College Football Poll.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

NRA In A Quandary

Insiders say same-sex shotgun wedding leaves the National Rifle Association not knowing whether to shit or go blind.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Former Wrestler Referee: It Was Fake!

The whistle-blower among the retired referees of some of the country's best wrestlers claims that the bouts were programed and fixed. Now in witness protection program.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Obama on Michelle #2

"… and you know I like you going down on me - it's the only time I can shut you up!"

Source - US White House - Snoop Bug Transmitter 6

written by iscrivener, 10 April 2009
Rating:

American's Health Improving!

Report: Healthy Magazine says the average American is getting healthier as they now cannot afford expensive snacks and fast foods and are eating at healthy soup kitchens.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Dropping The Ball

While last year NYC's Mayor Bloomberg had Bill and Hillary Clinton drop the ball on New Year's Eve, this next year it's supposed to be dropped by the Detroit Lions.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Still Not Getting it

General Motors announced today that they now have a car that gets 55 miles per gallon and runs on whale blubber and clubbed baby seals.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Blago Selling Seat In Prison

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today he was considering selling his "seat", once his prison sentence is carried out, to the highest bidder.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Phoney Psychic Arrested

Phony psychic arrested after making thousands of dollars telling people she was the one that Martin Luther King came to to explain those dreams he had.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Part Of Inaugeration Lip-Synched

It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma at the inauguration was prerecorded. It was lip-synched. Crowd became suspicious when Oprah did violin solo.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Obama Reality Setting In

Barack Obama said today that the reality of the presidency is setting in and so has his mother-in-law.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

I'll Be Blind Anytime Now

Study: While breast feeding can increase a person's I.Q., it also contributes to another person's bad eyestrain.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Platypus Genome Mapping

Genome mapping of the Duckbill Platypus reveals unique mixture of reptile, mammal, bird and Michael Jackson.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Gorilla Celebrates BirthdayIn Usual Style

The oldest gorilla in captivity celebrates 55th birthday by fling 1000th handful of poo at those celebrating.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

A Vicious Circle

Scientists say that weak economy causing more and more people to eat beans therefore releasing even more methane gas into atmosphere.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Las Vegas Discount Coupons

Las Vegas advertises by placing discount coupons for hookers on the Yellow Pages in Vegas telephone book.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Another Lost Tribe Joke

Another Story Debunked: Amazon Tribe Not "Lost". Show visitors where they are on Google Earth, Starbucks around the corner.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

PETA Protests Man Eaten By Crocs

Wife sees man eaten by crocodile after he attempts to swim river on drunk night out as PETA protests giving alcohol to crocodiles.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

The New Danish Yahoo Name

Denmark, a country which is very liberal when it comes to anything of a sexual nature has given permission for Yahoo to operate in Denmark under the name of Yahooters.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

The Japanese Chopstick Shortage

Japan facing the worst chopstick shortage in history plans on switching over to popsicle sticks.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

The Elton John Affair

Fox News is reporting that last year Elton John had an affair with himself. The singer when asked for a comment denied it saying, "I am dedicated, devoted, and faithful to my husband, thank you."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

The LA Water Rationing Gig

Due to the water shortage, Los Angeles will have to implement a water rationing program. Residents fear that next they may see a rationing of Botox, pink hair dye, tongue studs, and tattoo ink.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

The Las Vegas Blue Pill

In an attempt to lure back more of the older gamblers, some of the Las Vegas casinos will now be offering free Viagara.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Introducing "Iceland Idol"

"Icleand Idol" an offshoot of "American Idol" held auditions and 11 people showed up. The judges picked ten who will compete as the final ten.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Miley Cyrus - The A Minus Cup

In an effort to raise even more money, Billy Ray Cyrus has just put Miley's training bra up on eBay.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Nintendo's New Octuplets Game

Nintendo has just announced that they will be putting out a new game which should be in stores by Memorial Day. The new game is based on the Suleman Octuplets and is called, "Nadya's Theme #8"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

The Bad, Bad Egyptian Economic Crisis

Due to the downward spirallying economy, Egypt has decided to put a total of 18 pyramids on eBay.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Paris Hilton's Emergency Room Visit

A woman from India has just set the world's record by rubbing 24 chilies in her eyes. Meanwhile in Malibu Beach, Paris Hilton had to go to the emergency room because of a loose eyelash in her eye.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Bargaining For Hostage

Somali pirates holding an American hostage on a drifting lifeboat want $2 million for his release, a fellow pirate onshore said on Friday. In response, Obama empties desk drawer of petty cash.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Lorena Bobbitt Interview

Lorena Bobbitt says in an interview that as a kid, her parents were always waking her up at night and telling her she'd been whittling in bed again.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Easter Bunny Fired!

The kid's Easter Bunny at mall in Pittsburgh has been fired after his costume leg rolled up to show an electric bracelet.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Limbaugh Gets Unusual Call

According to the National Questioner, Rush Limbaugh got a call from the fattest man in the Guinness Book of Records on his talk show warning him to "Back Up, Mister".

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Sweden Authorities Pursue Stripper's Tax, Strippers

Sweden's tax authorities are seeking the bare facts about webcam strippers' income, estimate hundreds of Swedish women are dodging the law. The authorities have been joined by over 100,000 volunteers.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Boston Hospital Transplant

Boston hospital performs face transplant as William Shatner now looks like Brad Pitt with a bad wig.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

There's The Tunnel, I'm Off!

With the economy in a slump, how old is too old to work? "Right up until you enter the tunnel of light", say most economists.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Obama Positive Of Economic Possibilities

President Barack Obama says the economy is starting to show "a glimmer of a not too distant future possibility of hope, perhaps." Market rallies on news!

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Rove: Biden A Liar

Karl Rove called Joe Biden a "blowhard" and a "liar" in response to some of the vice president's comments about the Bush administration. "He wouldn't know the truth if it bit him in the ass."

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Dragon Gets Anreson

Dave Arneson, one of the co-creators of the Dungeons & Dragons fantasy game and a pioneer of role-playing entertainment, died after a two-year battle with a dragon.

written by Bureau, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Satan "Bullied & Forgotten"

Lord Satan (10,2890) Has today asked that the world does not forget him and his hilarious ways. "Afteral, if it wasn't for me, you'd be working this weekend and not be out enjoying the rain".

written by Rula Nation, 10 April 2009
Rating:

We are the killer bees

Killer bees attack the White House. They have complaints about being left out of the stimulus package.

written by disciple, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Kim Jong Very Ill Appears on N Korean Rocket

In his first appearance, Very Ill Kim Jong showed the N. Koreans and the world his renewed health as he rode the NK bottle rocket 100 metres into inner space. Ill cried: Yee Ha, Korean for Holy Shit!

written by Pointer, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Blower Busts a NUT over Ed Money

Teachers Union leader Christine Blower insists she knows how to do the job of educating UK youth. We of NUT aren't crazy. Blower vowed to get down on her knees to do job #1.

written by Pointer, 10 April 2009
Rating:

Commander Obama Sends Pirate-Fighter Admiral Pan to Somalia

Commander in Chief Barack Obama is the first US President to fight pirates since Jefferson. Obama never one to hesitate has sent former Lost Boy, avid pirate-fighter and now Admiral P Pan to Somalia

written by Pointer, 10 April 2009
Rating:

RC Arch of Westminister Won't Use Condoms

Roman Catholic nubile Archbishop of Westminister denounced a proposed ad campaign for the latest sex protectors: "I wouldn't use those things! I hear they reduce God-given pleasure!"

written by Pointer, 10 April 2009
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