Order by:
Rating:

No Such Country As Afghanistan, Either

Iran has denied that a meeting took place between their main rep at an international conference on Afghanistan and a senior US official. "Besides, there was no conference on Afghanistan," he stated.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Nuclear Warhead Reduction

Russia and the US are to reopen negotiations about reducing their nuclear warheads in a new "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours", presidents Dmitry Medvedev and Barack Obama have said.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Obama's Aunt Can Stay

A US judge has ruled that a Kenyan aunt of President Barack Obama can legally stay in the US until next year. She is scheduled Monday to have a mobile home pulled into the Rose Garden.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
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Gore Is 61, (Around Waist Also)

Yesterday former Vice President Al Gore celebrated his 61st birthday by eating a birthday cake along with his usual noon meal, a regular cake.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
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Podin Me Your Majesty

Barack Obama met the Queen at Buckingham Palace & gave her a gift of an iPod with video footage of her 2007 U.S. visit to Richmond & Williamsburg, Virginia, which she placed alongside her other iPod.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Baby Chicks Can Count

Baby chicks can do arithmetic, say researchers in Italy, but don't count them before they're hatched they warn.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
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Sicilian Couple Defy Mafia

A Sicilian couple are planning a wedding designed to keep money out of the pockets of the mafia. The wedding will begin with the ceremonial "Dance Around The Horse's Head!"

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

U.S., Russia Talking Again

Russia and the US are to reopen negotiations about reducing their nuclear warheads, presidents Dmitry Medvedev and Barack Obama have said, after the first non-nuckler talks in eight years.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Madoff Shipwrecked

Marshals in Florida have seized a luxury yacht and a smaller boat belonging to disgraced US financier Bernard Madoff. "The only shipping he's going to do is being shipped to prison" stated an officer.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Lenin's Ass Blown Away!

One of Russia's most famous statues of Vladimir Lenin has been bombed, leaving the Bolshevik revolutionary with a gaping hole in his ass, which he was.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
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Catholic birth contol latest

Catholic men were urged today to get reluctant wives to swallow, by making them eat halloumi cheese to get them used to the taste.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
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MI5 and FBI use new spy deterent

Spy chiefs have decided that a Post-It notes stuck beneath the noses of their agents is an ideal deterrent to lip-reading spys.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
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Tramps to get real beds

Disgarded pallets were told today make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Alcoholics dont panic help is at hand

Alcoholics were told today: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Careful what you wipe your arse with warning

Health chiefs warn to check that your wife has not accidentally left Flash Toilet Wipes on top of the cistern instead of the usual Andrex moist bum wipes will avoid cross words and marital discord.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Ray Mears To fight obesity

Cuddly Ray Mears has decided to lose those extra pounds by not constantly grazing on grass and leaves like some kind of prize-winning cow.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

New Skateboarders warning will save nasty injuries:

Stop your trousers from falling halfway down your arse by wearing a strip of perforated leather with a buckle around your waist.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Real Ale Drinkers Fight Back

In a bid to rid pubs of cheap beer, real ale drinkers are convincing bar staff that their pints are off by sticking their fingers up their arse before holding the glass close to the barman's nose.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Stamp out Fatties

Fat people are being advised to take a tip from smokers and stop their cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of their arm each morning.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Cure for Asian Bird Flu

Asian Bird Flu it has been found could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Obese need to learn to blend in

"Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don't sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet," warned food fanatic Gordon Ramrod.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Gordons Put Fuel up again

Consumers advised to save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of their car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.

written by Mary Hinge, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Man Cleared Of Rape Charge

Man cleared of rape after the court was shown phone footage of woman 'actively' taking part in sex. "It was that 20th showing that convinced me", stated one juror.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
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How Henry VIII Dressed

How Henry VIII dressed to kill despite his rapidly expanding waistline to be revealed. "Is that a second belly or are you just glad to see me?"

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
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Biodegradable Gum Out

At last, a biodegradable chewing gum that doesn't stick around as Mexican creation hits Britain. "Guaranteed to wear off your shoe in 24 hours."

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Lap Dancing Bear?

Premier League star Djibril Cissé has been arrested on suspicion of assault following an incident outside a facility where a lap dancing bear was featured. "Thought it said bar."

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Also Eye Strain

BT manager who 'suffered curved neck after spending hours bent over laptop, eyeballing co-worker's legs, sues for £100,000.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Fired Auto Workers Give Demands

Car parts firm workers storm factories in bid to save jobs. Say they won't leave until allowed to drive away cars they built for themselves during their occupation.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

"Stupid Is As Stupid Does"

The Pope is 'stupid', says Richard Dawkins after pontiff's claim that condoms increase AIDS. "Everyone knows you can get it from toilet seats, handling frogs."

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

No One Expects The License Fee Police!

Licence fee police may target you for watching TV on Net, at a friend or family member's house or while in the malls.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Gitmo Prison Beautiful

Reigning Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza of Venezuela has described the notorious Guantanamo Bay prison as a 'relaxing, calm and beautiful place', "if only those ugly bearded ruffians would go away."

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

"Body Part" Killer Still Loose

Severed head found dumped in field, toe in Mayor's porridge, as manhunt for 'body part' killer continues.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Football - Scotland battles with frozen food: loss expected

Following last month's 5-1 gubbing at the hands of Farmfoods, Scotland tonight take on Iceland at Hampden. 'A win is unlikely,' said manager Geroge Burly,'due to us being the Scotland football team.'

written by Fergie73, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Obama: Affinity, Kinship Wih Brown

Our special 'affinity and kinship': Gushing Obama makes up for Washington snub at breakfast with Brown by calling him "an angel of light".

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

World's Most Powerful Laser

World's most powerful laser prepares to mimic nuclear reactions at the center of the Sun. Russian, Chinese leaders at G-20 conference ask, "Is it hot in here or is it me?"

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Whole Frontal Bodyscan

The makers of the whole body airport scanner that reveals your underwear, which is now operating in some airports, has been besieged by orders from private firms & individuals.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Brullie The Frog

Bullfrog Brullie has hopped into history as the second of his kind to be fitted with a steel pin to repair a broken leg. Gertie, the first frog made news after French lady sued cafe over broken tooth.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
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Thermostat Wars

Women living in cooler climates are more likely to give birth to boys than those in the tropics, a study has shown. This could explain married couples "Thermostat Wars" later on.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Toilet Wars

Cold war breaks out in orbit between Russia and U.S. over sharing toilets on International Space Station as turds float around inside the station.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Injured man survives bush ordeal

A Yorkshire born hiker has told how he survived the New Zealand bush for nine days. Meanwhile, Americans have told how they survived the Bush administration for eight years!

written by IN SEINE, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Worm Fails To Materialize, Still In Apple

The chaos predicted by some as the Conficker worm updates itself have so far failed to materialize. Nurky, biloboo finny hanny hoo hoo peka dooka.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Pardon Sought

Pardon sought for first black heavyweight champ for beating the crap out of all his white opponents.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

North Thretens Foreign Aircraft

North Korea's Kim Jung Il has threatened to shoot down any spy planes, UFO's, people in lawn chairs with balloons.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Pakistan Suspects Missile American

Pakistan: Suspected US missile kills 12 militants as shell remains had red, white & blue flag, "Yes We Can" and "Go Steelers" on it.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

NYC Jews Take Amish On Tour

NYC's ultra-Orthodox Jews took the Pa. Amish on a walking tour of their world Tuesday, saying their communities are naturally drawn to each other with a commitment to simpler lifestyles, beards.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Surviving Salmonella

Surviving Salmonella: Rule #1. Do Not eat salmonella sandwiches or pizza, even if you're hungry and it looks good. This is a trick. #2. Even if Salmonella's shoe fits, beware! She is no Cinderella.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Obama Tries To Rally World

President Obama tries to rally the world to cope with present downturn by bringing out his old college cheerleader's outfit and begins "Yes, We Can!" cheer.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Maybe Before December

The United States and Russia hope to have in place a new nuclear arms deal before the existing treaty expires in December, when we'd be punching away at all those red buttons and all of us die.

written by Bureau, 01 April 2009
Rating:

P.O. Stamps You Don't Want To Lick

The United States Postal Service will be issuing stamps featuring the characters of the cartoon show, "The Simpsons." Next in line are The Loch Ness Monster and The Abominable Snowman.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2009
Rating:

There Is No Mumbling In Baseball

Have you ever noticed that the less a person knows the more they tend to mumble.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2009
Rating:

The Land O'Lakes Drying Up

The Land O'Lakes Butter Company in an attempt to ward of bankruptcy plans on selling off everyone of their lakes. The company's new name will be The Land O'Lakeless Butter Company.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 April 2009
Rating:

Sarah Palin's Consignment Shop Changes Name

Out of the Closet owner Ellen Arvold changes store name to Second Run, "We needed to change our name to protect our identity- we are in the business of selling vintage clothing-not snake oil."

written by Daniel Williams, 01 April 2009
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