Spoof news snippets from April 2009
There were 1,401 spoof news snippets published in April 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sarah Palin's Consignment Shop Changes Name
Out of the Closet owner Ellen Arvold changes store name to Second Run, "We needed to change our name to protect our identity- we are in the business of selling vintage clothing-not snake oil."
Bea Arthur died of swine flu?
After learning more about the disease, Bea Arthur's family admits fib about cancer. Said they were afraid people would assume she had been intimate with a pig.
Now that's using your common cents...
San Francisco homeless man selling pennies by the pound as scrap copper. Since no one takes large numbers of pennies anymore, he says its easier, and he gets more money that way in today's economy.
Now THAT'S a lot of hot air
Rush Limbaugh admitted to Hanging Chad Memorial Hospital in Pepticolon, Florida with 2nd degree burns on lips and tongue.
Susan Boyle to be fleeced of armpit locks, to be auctioned off for Jade Goody Reality Star Fund. Also up for grabs: The gigantic beige doily and white heels worn on Britain's Got Talent appearance.
Lots of surprises for Susan Boyle who, upon meeting Ann Coulter for the first time, reportedly said, "Gol', she's a scary lookin' one, ain't she?"
Plan revealed to secretly raise Bristol Palin's baby, later tossing her into Mount Redoubt's fiery calderon in attempt to appease fire gods and stop Alaskan permafrost from melting.
Not so paranoid, after all
Conspiracy theorist shocked to find it was all an elaborate hoax to make him THINK there was a conspiracy.
TheSpoof.com writer goes Green!
First, he recycles The Onion, passing off their spoof stories as his own work. He then recycles the newspaper a second time, using it to line his birdcage!
Stumped, adolescent Pinocchio asks Gepetto why he keeps getting stiff in his "private area." Gepetto not surprised - has noticed the boy sniffing Figaro and Cleo a lot lately.
Three Little Pigs Dead
Production halted at Grand Rapids, MI company after 3 swine found dead of human flu virus. Families of pigs will be provided for by Arnold Ziffel Foundation, founded by Zsa Zsa Gabor in 1971.
A Little Too Late...
George W. Bush kicked in the head while re-shoeing a horse. Now reportedly able to solve complex mathematical equations, etc. in his head.
Susan Boyle is really Mickey Dolenz says Davy Jones
Pint-sized former teen popstar Davy Jones angrily outed Susan Boyle as Mickey Dolenz on the Larry King Show. Davy said "It's a stunt for Mickey's latest album- no-one believes me cos I'm short"
'Susan Boyle' is my former client 'Jade Goody' says Max
The silver stoat Max Cliffhord says he is entitled to 50% of Susan Boyle's fortune because she is really Jade Goody. "You never saw them together did you- there's the proof" said Max yesterday.
Susan Boyle is Eddie Large says Sid Little
'Supersonic' Sid claims Susan Boyle is his former partner Eddie Large who bullied him in the seventies. You can tell by the neck and good singing voice - are people blind and deaf?
Susan Boyle to re-record every song written or performed
Susan is to spend the next ten months re-recording stuff by the three tenors, Elvis Presley, Roy Orbinson, Frank Sinatra, the Beatles and Bing Crosby etc - which are now thought to be crap!
Gordon Brown to appear on front cover of Nutz magazine.
Gordon Brown the jobbing PM is set to boost his career, by appearing in skimpy clothes for Nutz magazine.
The shoot is to raise Gordon's profile among males aged 7-51 who think he is Su-Bo.
Piers Morgan is famous at last- he retires!
BGT has announced he will retire as he is now famous. His hold career has been a cry for attention, but now he has been seen by over 100 million people because of Su-Bo he will take up dominoes.
Simon Cow-bell to do 'something' about his face!
Simon Cow-bell money milking genius- is to do something about his face, which is just strange looking. He doesn't know what yet, but 'something' will be happening in the near future.
Swine flu still 'intimidating' Chris Moyles!
Pork-fat DJ Chris Moyles, is still in hiding from swine-flu. Friends say he has lost 40 stone in order to fool the pig's version of 'death'- but he sadly still looks fat and is fooling no-one.
Children ill after chlorine leak
About 40 people, mainly children, have been affected by a suspected chlorine leak at a Black Country swimming pool. We're sorry, that was a typo - we really meant URINE!
Peaches Geldof must be desperate!
Peaches Geldof has hinted that she fancies foulmouthed TV chef Gordon Ramsay. She herself is no stranger to the F word and perhaps she is looking for a father figure?
Coming to a chemists near you!
A new spray has been developed by urologists to enable men to last up to six times longer when making love. That will be a whole 30 seconds then!
'Speedophile' caught in Norway
A man from Norway was caught driving erratically on a motorway while having sex. "I was just in my girlfriend's vulva when all of a sudden the police came across me!" He said today.
Boris Johnson arrested.
London Mayor, Boris Johnson, has admitted on the Andrew Marr show that he was once arrested for impersonating an MP.
Scientists create robot
Scientists have created an ideal colleague - a robot that performs hundreds of repetitive experiments. However, God has beaten them to it - he calls it a MAN!
History is to be taught in new curriculum
History teachers in Britain are delighted because history is to be taught in the new curriculum. This means that at least their jobs are safe!
Britain names new aircraft carrier
The Royal Navy is to name its newest aircraft carrier after Henry Allingham, a founder member Of the Royal Naval Air Service and the RAF. He is 112 and will probably last longer than the ship will.
The cooker to save trees
An apparently eco-friendly solar cooker has been developed in Kenya. In a bid to to save trees, the "Kyoto box" is made of cardboard. Millions of trees will be cut down to make the cardboard!
"I can eat pizza again after 10 years"
Ellie Banks, who suffered acid reflux, had to give up spicy food for 10 years to stop the ailment worsening. Now she can once again enjoy eating the same pizza. It is a bit cold by now!
Lesbian ants inhabit Amazon
Scientists have discovered a species of ant that inhabits the Amazon. It does not have the sex to reproduce but relies on cloning the Queen. Isn't life strange?
Gordon Brown smears smears
A bloke in the club told me that, Gordon Brown, is to write to lots of MPs about their smear tests was something like that!
Street renamed during economic downturn
The economy is so bad Wall Street had to sell advertising rights to its street name.
It's now Wal-Mart Street.
American economy worsens!
The American economy is getting worse day by day. It is noticeable that the Native American Indians are changing their casinos back into reservations.
Madonna's hearing: latest
It appears that Madonna misheard the ruling adopting a child from Malawi. The law states that a prospective parent must be resident in the country for 18 months and NOT 18 minutes as Madonna thought.
Just one letter separates Sir Fred Goodwin and Jonathan Ross
Sir Fred Goodwin and Jonathan Ross are only separated by one letter in their profession; those letters are'W' and'B' although which is which is uncertain.
Britain's smallest dog receives fine
Tilly, a 'chorky' (which is a cross between a Chihuahaua and Yorkshire terrier) may only be six inches high, but he has already fallen foul of the law when he was caught pissing up a matchstick.
New figurehead to watch over M62
A 20m face has appeared over the place M62 at Manchester. The sculpture is called "The Dream". Meanwhile, a giant fountain has been revealed at a Milton Keynes roundabout called "The Wet Dream".
Injured man survives bush ordeal
A Yorkshire born hiker has told how he survived the New Zealand bush for nine days. Meanwhile, Americans have told how they survived the Bush administration for eight years!
New swimming teacher appointed
The Nether Regional Girls School, Upper 6th swimming team has appointed a new teacher who knows everything about everyone. Her name is Claire Buoyant.
Scientists claim 'Beer Goggles' idea is a myth,
The concept of 'beer googles' that make men view women as more attractive the more they drink is a myth, claim scientists. However, looking at women for too long can cause beer to go flat.
Are they getting out of their depth?
Somali pirates have just seized the QE2 which is currently undergoing a $100 million refit in Dubai.
Mexico's "Fantastic" Tourist Deal!
Mexico reports that due to the ongoing drug cartel wars, tourism has dropped off by 90 percent. In order to encourage tourists they are offering all tourists a free margarita and a bullet proof vest.
Michael Caine Attacks African
Taking a leaf out of Woody Harrelson's book, Caine attributed the assault to being traumatised by filming Zulu in the 1960s, and still being in character.
The BBC are to reintroduce 'Letter from America'
The BBC have announced that they will reintroduce 'Letter from America' to be presented by Matt Frei. The French, however, will be transmitting their own show called 'A French Letter from America'.
Motor trade gloom
The economy is so bad that Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM, Wall Street announced today.
A 2-year-old girl has an IQ of 156
A little girl from North London who is only two years old has a remarkable IQ of 156. This beats Gordon Brown by 101 - allegedly.
UK scientists make Alzheimer's drug possible
British scientists have developed a new drug to combat the effects of Alzheimer's disease. Unfortunately they have forgotten the ingredients that make up the drug.
The Team Formerly Known As The Green Bay Packers
Hewlett-Packard has just purchased the NFL's Green Bay Packers. The team's new name will be The Green Bay Hewlett-Packards.
Claire Balding not sorry for the teeth remark
BBC sport presenter, Claire Balding, is not sorry for making the remark about the Grand National winner's teeth. "I was talking to the horse, Mon Mome, and not the rider" she said today.
Snow business like snow business
The Crown prosecution service is to pay a £250 reward for those workers who managed to turn on for work when London was under 10 inches of snow. These people are so brave!
Men - only club dubbed up 'sexist'
A historic male-only club at St Andrews University has been dubbed 'sexist' by non-other than Edinburgh Women's Institute who are threatening to throw jars of jam and their headquarters.
Prisoner found behind bars!
And on-the-run prisoner was found behind bars in Lancaster tonight. He was first found in the Elephant and Castle, and then the Rose and Crown, then in the Flying Dutchman public houses.
Pope Benedict declares its not a sin to kiss a nun
The Pope has ruled that it is not a sin to kiss a nun as long as you don't get into the habit.
New drug dangerous for women
A pharmaceutical company has failed to be granted a licence because it is causing women to join a convent. The FDA advise that it is a bit habit-forming.
Jacqui Smith's marriage is strong, she claimed.
Jacqui Smith claims that her marriage is strong. But hey ... she's a politician! So in politicalspeak that would be a no then!
The Buxom But Waxy Dolly Parton
The Country Music Wax Museum located in Waxahachie, Texas, has reported that the wax figure of Dolly Parton has been stolen. The thieves have issued a ransom demand of $4424.38, (44-24-38).
Sir Fred Goodwin is not laughing.
The Scottish banker, Sir Fred Goodwin is said to be very distressed this morning after Alistair Darling took away half of his pension in yesterdays budget. "I knew they get me - bastards!" he said
Rival to Viagra found
A Millwall fan claims to have discovered a new rival for Viagra. It comes in a mixture of suntan cream and concrete. He says that he uses it every day and it helps him to 'look hard!'
McDonald's are forced to introduce economy range
Because of the fall in the economy, burger giant, McDonald's are to introduce the new economy range. It will include the 'Mini Mac' & Fry or the quarter-ouncer it was announced today.
The average Briton has only 3 friends
A survey shows the average Briton has only 3 friends who they can rely on. Of course those with Schizophrenia or Multiple Personality Disorder have many, many more. But they're not average are they?
Scientist found dead whilst wearing an invisible cloak
A scientist, from the University of California has been found dead in his garage whilst wearing an invisible cloak. A police spokesman says; "currently, we are looking for an invisible dagger!"
Eagle eyed taxpayers claim to have spotted a new kind of the da Vinci code. They say; " Have you ever noticed that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
The Aunt Jemima Name Is Gone With The Wind
The Aunt Jemima Pancake Company in an effort to get away from stereotyping has decided to change its name to The Aunt Oprah Pancake Company.
The Intoxicated Breast-Feeding Mama
A 26-year-old woman in North Dakota has been charged with breast-feeding while intoxicated. Police first became suspicious when they noticed that she was using the other breast as a drink coaster.
Economic downturn affects hospitals
Hospitals here in the UK are being badly affected by the global economic crisis. Reports in today, suggest that surgeons are already having to take a cut in their wages.
Sibling rivalry breaks out between the Princes at RAF station
Prince William and Prince Harry are both training to be helicopter pilots. An MOD spokesman said that there appears to be a sibling rivalry as to who has the biggest chopper!
Estate agents warn...
The United Kingdom Federation of Estate Agents have discovered that the first step to homelessness is the home equity loan.
Mexico's Illegal Alien Problem
Mexico says that the illegal alien problem is getting out of hand. They say that putting up a fence between Mexico and Guatemala is too expensive so they have opted for installing an aligator moat.
PETA makes big issue out of Pet Shop Boys
Animal welfare group, PETA has requested that the popular pop group, the Pet Shop Boys change their name to "The Rescue Shelter Boys" and that they sell The Big Issue.
Beatles back together again!
Former Beatles Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr performed together at a New York charity show on Saturday night. However, John Lennon and George Harrison were there in spirit!
Scottish police have Jedi
Strathclyde police are using no less than eight Jedi warriors in their fight against crime. "We were told to use the force!" They said.
Mad inventor to get police warning
Eccentric Nottingham businessman,Joe Weston-Webb has been warned by police not to fire a Roman catapult full of chicken droppings in case the shit hits the fan - particularly when Forest are playing!
The Well-Traveled Polar Bears
Scientists are reporting that the polar ice caps are melting at an alarming rate. Residents of the African country of Mauritania have reported seeing polar bears floating by on big chunks of ice.
Medical Marijuana now tax-deductible
Medical research confirms that marijuana has medicinal properties to treat glaucoma, pain relief in MS etc. The IRS rules that expenses for this can be deducted, but only if you file a joint return.
The Burger Merger
Jack-in-The-Box Restaurant is merging with Big Boy Restaurant. The new restaurant name will be Big Boy-in-The Box.
The M & M Eating Champion
A Boise, Idaho man won the M & M Eating Contest. Ty Zook ate 4,702 M & M's in two minutes. He was later disqualified when one of the judges, (a blonde) said half of the M & M's were actually W & W's.
FOR SALE: The Biggest Farm In The World
In a sign that the U.S. economy is still in bad shape, The Wells Fargo Bank has just had to repossess State Farm's farm.
How low will they have to stoop?
The economy is so bad women in Beverly Hills are now using the sun to get a tan.
What The HMS Titanic Really Hit
The HMS Titanic sank 97 years ago. Many believed that she hit an iceberg. But the truth is that she actually hit a sperm whale, but back then (1912) it was against the law to use the word sperm.
West Virginia wants to ban the dangerous sport of NASCAR. They say that they'll replace it with the dangerous sport of Cousin Datin'.
The Burger King Booty Dancers
The new Burger King commercial with sexy women dancing to a Sponge Bob Square Pants booty rap song has upset many parents. Meanwhile KFC is holding their breath over their new Titty Tenders.
Britain's favourite police drama,' The Bill' to Go off Screen until Further Notice.
'The Bill', ITV's police drama has been the latest victim in of swine flu and is no longer to be screened until further tests can be conducted. "All the pigs are alive and well" said an ITV spokesman.
Watch out William!
Coronation Street's Ken Barlow, played by William Roache is due to face the wrath of God after saying that "Christianity is a brainwashing activity of the Church." Looks like you are on your own Ken!
Mexico's 'Fanless' Soccer Games
This weekend 176 professional soccer games in Mexico will be played without fans due to the swine flu outbreak. And reports are that next weekend 140 bullfights will be held without the bulls.
Titanic Memorial trip cancelled
Due to global warming, the forthcoming Titanic Memorial Cruise is to be cancelled because by April 11th 2012 (100 years later) there will be no icebergs floating around for a re-enactment.
A Good Global Warming Sign
In a sign that Global Warming is here. A polar bear was recently seen fanning himself with a salmon.
The New Song Singing Airline Company
It appears that American Airlines is likely to be purchased by an investment group headed by Simon Cowell, Ryan Seacrest, and Paula Abdul. The new airline name will be American Idol Airlines.
China has 100 million people with mental illnesses
China has 100 million people with mental illnesses. Meanwhile, great Britain has only 65 million people with mental illnesses - the 'normal' people can be found in the Houses of Parliament.
The Walgreens Change
The Walgreens Drugstore chain in a move to show its support of the environment and the ecology will soon be changing its name to Walgreener.
The Antique-Shopping Blonde
A blonde walked into an antique shop. After a few minutes the saleslady walked up to her and asked if she could help her. The blonde asked, "Okay, where do you all keep the brand new stuff?"
Titanic memento for auction
A piece of ice from the very same iceberg that sunk the White Star cruise liner, Titanic in April 1912 is to be put up for auction this week. It was kept in a freezer for the past 97 years.
The Very, Very Rich Soon-To-Be Ex-Mrs. Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson's wife Robyn files for divorce. Gibson is worth $900 million. Robyn will get half of the money, the mansion, and her jewelry. Mel will get the brewery, the wine cellar, and the beer truck.
The new Cornish 'fastie'
Eileen Bishop, 87, was found 5 miles away when her scooter whisked her away as she dosed at the controls. Police found her on the A3075 heading towards Newquay. One way to pull the birds, I suppose.
NASA's Next Space Station
NASA has decided to name the next space station after former Vice President Dick Cheney. NASA is looking for a January 2010 date for the inaguration of The Arrogant Dick Space Station.
The Harley Davidson Models (Bikes & Broads)
Harley Davidson reports first quarter losses at 37 percent. A company rep says that plans are underway to have the motorcyle models wear short shorts made out of dental floss.
The Japanese Geishas Are Comin'
The sad state of the Japanese economy has caused 1,000 geisha girls to be laid off. Most plan to move to West Hollywood, California, where they heard there is a large "Geisha" community.
"The Whitest Woman in America" Award
The NCAWP, (North Carolina Association For White People) has named Australian actress Nicole Kidman as this year's recipient of its "Whitest Woman in America" award. Second place went to Marcia Cross.
The Blonde Area Code
A blonde woman in Beverly Hills called 911 to get the number to call 911.
Tarzan - The Original Swinger
The reason that Tarzan was able to swing through those vines in Africa so effortlessly was due to the fact that he took anabolic steroids. Apparently they were purchased from a baseball player.
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