Muslims throw party for Brits
In a bid to strengthen their relationship with Brits, the Muslim community are planning to throw them a party. It will be an exciting evening of entertainment, fine-dining and gracious hostility.
Stationary Lorry Driven off in Motorway Drama
A 'Staples' stationary lorry has been hijacked on the M25. Police have said that although we have hundreds of stationary vehicles on the motorway every day, it is very rare to have one driven away.
The latest Highway Code says that you MUST have hub caps on the wheels. It's classed as 'Indecent Exposure. Yes! You can't just ride around with your nuts showing.
The NEW 'Wacko Jacko'?
Jack Tweed, boyfriend of Jade Goody has been jailed after he was found guilty of assaulting a boy with a golf club. In his defence, he said: "I did shout FORE!
Jade Goody realises severity of cancer scare
"When I found out I had clerical cancer I thought they'd just take out my collar bone or somfink. I never fort it was anyfink serious...but now I realise it is - I might even need Chameleontherapy."
Announcements - What's on
The Youth Amateur Dramatic Society will stage their production of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet at the town hall at 7.30pm on Friday. Everyone is invited to attend this tragedy.
Cabinet for sale
For sale: China cabinet. Extremely fragile.
Lose pounds quickly. Call 0906 4444 4573 333 now for details. Calls cost £2.50 per min.
Trade your unwanted gods for cash today.
Child-miner needed. Must be available for immediate start.
Fed up of cleaning yourself? Let me do it for you! Experienced housekeeper. £7 per hour.
Bed For Sale
King size bed. Mahogany. Ideal for antique lover.
Handy Bathroom Tips
The bathroom can be a dangerous place. Avoid slipping in the bath by placing a rubber mat on the bottom.
Pine dressing table for a lady with wide legs and large drawers. £90 ono.
3 year old teacher required for pre-school day nursery. Experience essential.
Bill Gates spotted buying a Mac in PC World
Bill Gates was yesterday spotted buying a Mac Book Pro in the Dulwich branch of PC World. When quizzed he said that Vista was "crap" and prefers "Mac anyday".
Prince Charles addicted to cornish pasties
Prince Charles sends Camilla out to the nearby Bonjour! petrol station in the middle of the night to fuel his addiction of 5-a-day Ginsters cornish pasties.
Positive About Aids
Are you aged 18-30? Have you got aids? Join Positive About Aids today and meet other young people with hearing problems!
Tony Soprano Wed in Hawaii
Sal "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero supplies the fish for the main course at the wedding reception.