Spoof news snippets from September 2008
There were 690 spoof news snippets published in September 2008. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
I have never been able to understand all the fuss that is made over Ian Brady. Anyone would think he is a monster. As far as I am concerned he is the best midfielder Arsenal have ever had.
No More Honey
It's ridiculous that Honey is to be axed from Eastenders.
Now that I have found out Stacey smokes in real life, Billy's pretty young wife is the only one left worth having a Jangle over.
It is said TV alone cannot drive someone to drugs. Well not in my house. As soon as Norton comes on telly everyone in the house heads for the needles and syringes. Mind you, we are a family of diabetics.
Stash found in Telford
A bottle of vinegar, two tins of mustard and a jar of mayonaisse were found hidden in Marks & Spencer's, Telford Shopping Mall.
They were found in the Dressing Room, police said today.
Train sex couple killed
A couple in South Africa who were having sex on a railway track in Mpumalanga Province have been killed by a goods train. Police say; "The man obviously failed to pull out on time."
M56 Motorway Closed due Road Sinkage.
Motorway is closed in both directions after a huge deep hole has appeared during the night. Cheshire traffic police are currently looking into it.
The 1962 assassination of JFK was done by the Grassy Knoll.
UK drought forecast
A drought has been forecast throughout Great Britain for two hours tomorrow. There will be a hosepipe ban in force between 06:00-08:00hrs BST.
Terrorist sex doll
Troops in Iraq have been alerted to a new terror weapon: 'Jihad Julie' is a new inflatable doll which blows itself up.
Paper company creates new three ply toilet tissue to replace current two ply
Spokesman says "We did it because some of our customers are just too stupid go get a piece 50% longer."
Democrats put lipstick on a pig at a political rally
Former President Clintont upset because "they shouldn't be treating Monica Lewinsky like that!"
Murder Victim In Court Today
John Doe, accused of murdering himself, has appeared at Hull Crown Court today. He remained silent throughout the hearing, his solicitor entering a plea of Not Guilty on his behalf.
Sarah Palin To Sign For Man City
Republican Sarah Palin is the transfer target for Man City's new Arab owners, after they decided to acquire every current 'big name' their money could buy.
Pope worships at shrine of Lourdes during world travels
Madonna wonders "what that dirty old man wants with my daughter. Shouldn't he be out chasing boys?"
Cannon Corporation to make huge donation to assist in September's National Hispanic Heritage Month
Company will donate a free towel to every wetback.
World's shortest man meets world's tallest woman to promote new Guiness World Records Book
He said, "I walked between her legs several times for photos and publicity purposes, and because she wasn't wearing any panties and I liked looking at her goodies."
Senator and Vice Presidential Candidate Joe Biden Says that Paying Higher Taxes is Patriotic
"And I want to make the middle class the most patriotic people in this country!"
Where's Sarah Palin From?
Asked where his Republican running mate, Sarah Palin, hails from, Senator John McCain told journalists:
"I don't know. I'll ask her."
Children starting secondary school in England this week are the first legally required to stay in education until they are 17.
However, those who have dyslexia will have to stay until they are 71.
NFL celebrates Hispanic Heritage Month during Monday Night Football game
The home team Dallas Cowboys respond with "Remember the Alamo!"
McCain staffer claims candidate invented the Blackberry
The aging Senator McCain answered criticism by saying that "I helped God with the huckleberries and boysenberries, but he had already invented blackberries before I was born."
O.J. Simpson tries proven court tactics to aid his defense in current trial
Judge and Jury not impressed that glove from Nicole's murder still doesn't fit.
Revealing pictures of Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe flood the internet
Al Gore tells teenage daughters and their friends "Aren't you girls glad I invented the internet?"
Republican National Committee discovers way to deal with Troopergate problem
Vice President Dick Cheney to take all involved hunting.
MGM/UA answer questions about Quantum of Solace title for new James Bond Movie
"Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell will not be in the film and Dr. Sam Beckett will not Leap into any of the characters."
John Edward's Wife Says Trust Is Biggest Hurdle in Relationship
Next biggest hurdles to leap over are carseat, stroller, and piles of toys in living room.
Subway Restaurant chain arrested for promotion of male prostitution
Police say offer of "$5.00 footlongs is just going too far."
Star Trek actor marries twenty year companion in California ceremony
Android Data says that he and his vaccuum cleaner should be very happy together, because "Hoover can suck with the best of them."
Beatty In Hospital
After two days of fighting between Republicans & Democrats over "a pig wearing lipstick", actor Ned Beatty has checked himself into a mental hospital complaining of flashbacks.
Texas recovers from Ike hitting Galveston
Tina Turner says "Now you know what I used to feel like when he beat me up!"
Nude Photos Of IN SEINE Circulating Internet
Nude pictures of a baby IN SEINE have been circulating the internet, it has been claimed. Police are investigating, and say they will destroy the offensive material once it is in custody.
Nicole Kidman rated most overpaid star on box office returns in Hollywood
Paris Hilton obviously didn't get paid anything last year.
Katie Holmes, wife of Tom Cruise, makes Broadway debut
Said one reviewer, "The special effects in this performance were so good you almost couldn't see her leash."
New York Yankee A-Rod and wife finally reach divorce settlement
She gets to keep the Florida home, Alex Rodriguez gets to keep Madonna.
Lindsay Lohan hits member of the papparazzi
"It was only with my purse because I thought the scum tripped me; I wish it was with my car!"
Lindsay Lohan comes out of closet about relationship on radio interview
LiLo, who once had the reputation as a "skanky party girl," admits to lesbian relationship with Samantha, ...and Kelly, and Barbie, and Lisa, and Leslie......
Long suspected of being gay, Clay Aiken officially comes out of closet
"I figured that if Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, and Lindsay Lohan all liked women, there must be something wrong with them."
A mob of Baby-Boomers has attacked the headquarters of the American Broadcasting Company in New York demanding that they drop the song, "Stairway To Heaven" from life insurance commercials.
Current Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Nominees List Surprises Everyone
Notably missing are Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Barack Obama, Sarah Palin, and The Dark Knight, which seem to dominate the rest of the news and therefore must be mentioned in this story.
Obama, who said U.S. has 57 states, is asked to identify the extra 7
"Well, when I watch college sports, I see Boise State, East Carolina, Wichita State, Western Michigan, Weber State, Northern Arizona, and South Florida. You can't tell me they don't exist!"
Second Space Shuttle readied in case rescue mission needed
What happens if something goes wrong with that one too?
Heather Mills Donates $1 Million Dollars in Vegan food to New York Homeless
Gift from Paul McCartney's Ex rejected as they prefer dumpster diving, sewer rats, and soup kitchens to eating Soy Burgers.
Obama slips on "favortie Christmas carol lyrics" question by reporter, revealing Muslim heritage
Totally unfamiliar with the music, he said that his favorite song was the hymn "Allah want for Christmas is my two front teeth."
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds wed in private ceremony
In the prenuptial agreement, he gets the famous see-through pink panties from "Lost in Translation."
Tina Fey to reprise Sarah Palin role from Saturday Night Live
Actress will be temporary Alaskan Governor until election is decided.
Obama Says Sharia Court to Replace Supreme Court Soon
Hussein Obama pledged to dissolve the Supreme Court as soon as he is elected. Citing the Muslim Tribunal now ruling Britain, Obama chanted "I HATE YOU" 3 times as he divorced himself from Hillary
Meg Ryan opens up on the break up of her marriage to Dennis Quaid
He wouldn't give me enough Innerspace.
Idaho cheerleaders ditch skimpy uniforms
Decide to go ahead and jump around naked, because "we weren't really wearing that much anyway and this is what everyone really wants to see."
Newspaper reveals ten richest men and women in Congress
Senator John Kerry, married to heir of Heinz fortune, says "I'm not first anymore, so I'd better try to ketchup."
October Maxim Magazine names Megan Fox "Earth's Hottest Girl"
Last year's hottest girl burned at announcement.
Excavations reveal that Stonehenge was ancient place for healing and medicine
If you didn't get better, the stone masons would knock a rock over on top of you.
More Chinese Infants sick from bad milk
IOC confirms that only three of them were on the Chinese Female Gymnastics Team.
Michelle Obama reveals that her DNC dress only cost her $156
McCain's wife, whose outfit for the Republican Convention came in at over $300,000, says "Honey, my panties ain't even that cheap!"
Charges of discrimination filed in Chinese tainted milk case
Community organizers are upset that they have not been mentioned.
Somalian Pirates Return 25 of 33 Hijacked Tanks to Putin!
Disgusted pirates said they didn't want any more Russian junk. Sea trials with 8 of the tanks resulted in the drowning death of 400 Somali Marines and the Navy crews piloting them.
Richard Gere spotted buying mouse traps at local hardware store
No word if he has a rodent infestation in his home, or if he's just trying to catch escaping gerbils.
Sarah Palin to publish recipe for Moose Stew in Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Rocky says Bullwinkle is in hiding until after the election.
NBA's Washington Wizards try to improve line up with new free agents
Team says foreign players Albus Dumbledore and Gandalf the Grey should "add a little spark of magic" to the line-up.
New York Yankees Play Last Game in Yankee Stadium
Starbucks, which is still trying to buy the building to turn it into a coffee house, is competing with Indians who want to make it into a Budget Motel and Arabs who want a 7-11.
Who says you can't put a square peg in a round hole?
A blockhead like George W. Bush managed to father children with Laura, didn't he?
NMSU scores late touchdown to beat UTEP in battle of previously winless teams
60 Minutes reporter asks John McCain how he and George Bush are different
"Well, I went to war when he skipped out on reserves duty, I flew my fighter when he doctored papers on his, and I was in the Hanoi Hilton while he was doing some relative of Paris Hilton."
Joe Biden on Obama!
Just like a bad rash I bet! Aides say they can't pry the two apart!
Airline name change
In today's uncertain economic climate, budget airline operators Easyjet have decided to rename themselves 'Uneasyjet'.
Soldier grows another foot
One of the youngest soldiers serving in Helmand Province, Afghanistan has received three knitted socks from his loving mum back home. "I wrote to her telling her I'd grown another foot." he said
China mission to include country's first space walk
The planned forty minute EVA was choreographed by the man responsible for the Olympic Opening Ceremonies and the IOC has confirmed that all participants are over 16.
Clay Aiken caught slipping Lindsay Lohan the sausage while she shows him her muffin
The pair breakfasted together at IHOP while waiting for interviews regarding their "coming out" announcements.
Rep. Alcee Hastings Derides Palin...ooops!
The former Federal Judge, impeached for criminal bribes referred to the Gov. as "one who stripped moose and carried a gun" Aides said he was fantasizing about former defendants he met "in chambers"
Doctors Perform Public Service During Ops on Politicians!
Responding to Buckwheat, one Pols Penis was removed for "not doing dick", the other's rectum was stapled shut resulting in no BM for 17 days! Doc saying "what a break, none of his shit for 3 weeks!"
Hounddog, a movie about the rape of a 12 year old girl, finally comes to theaters after almost two years
"I don't understand all of the controversy about how exposing me to this type of scene should turn me off to sex," said young star Dakota Fanning from her maternity ward bedroom.
478 Carat Diamond Discovered in African Mine
New stone, with preliminary value of $22 million, to be part of NBC reality series "Who Wants To Be A Diamond Cutter?"
Cuban Leader Fidel Castro is still breathing
Dictator vows "I'll be alive as long as Generalissimo Francisco Franco insists on staying dead."
The New Testament teaches that when Jesus cast out a Legion of Demons, they entered into a group of pigs
Proving that a Jew was responsible for the creation of Deviled Ham.
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band to play at Super Bowl
No word yet on opponent, though Dallas Cowboys are Las Vegas favorites.
Las Vegas, NM Football Players Victims of Hazing
After having broomsticks shoved up their rectums by older teammates, they were forced to watch reruns of Will and Grace and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
112 year old record holder says secret of long life is staying active
"I've been running from jealous husbands and boyfriends for years. Viagra has helped keep me going."
Barking Mad Man Dies in Fall From Couch!
A Bristol woman reported her afflicted husband died while watching the telly. "He was watching Benny Hill reruns when he got the urge to lick his balls and took a bad tumble." Bestiality was cited.
More stars follow Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan as they come out of the closet on same day.
It is unknown if this is truthful, or if they just need the added publicity, but new persons outing themselves include Bobby from Brady Bunch, Potsie from Happy Days, and Plank from Ed, Edd, and Eddy.
Consumer Confidence Low
Consumer confidence fell to an all-time low this morning as many seen wading around city pools picking up pennies.
Tennessee Women's Basketball Coach in Surgery after Coon attacks Lab
Team spokesman says, "it wasn't her dog, it was a classroom at the school...it also wasn't a raccoon, it was one of the Nappy Headed Ho's from Rutgers."
Term Limits Imposed on Rangel and His Car by Capitol Police!
"Good God,man,"an official said, "you can't just park your butt, take up space for 36 years, and expect taxpayers to pick up the tab!" Ole Charlie Wrangel just smiled "Must be my ethics," he purred!
Paulson Proposes National Lottery to Bail Out Nation's Economy!
Dubbed "U-Collect", the $100 scratch offs could payout as many as 1,000 mortgages for the top prize, and be reduced to as little as one mortgage on a leveraged crack house in South Chicago.
Heath Ledger's daughter to inherit 16.3 million dollar estate
Challenges the late Anna Nicole's daughter as world's richest, non potty trained Hollywood starlet
A new dance called the Politician has taken the world by storm. The steps are simple: "All you have to do, is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."
31,374 Delinquent Taxpayers in Postal Service to IRS:Checks in the Mail!
The IRS said in order to cover the Financial Crisis caused by Postal workers it was raising rates to $5.50 for a letter. Rep Rangle proposes amnesty bill for "all" govt. employees who now owe $3.5m.
Report: Barbara Streisand Looks Down Her Nose at Palin!
In keeping with her Liberal Leanings, IT WAS A LONG, HARD LOOK....but the former Hilary Supporter was willing to cut off her nose to spite her face and host an Obama fundraiser anyway...Good Move!
"Momas for Obama" Protest Palin Colorado Appearance!
The group known as "MF's", also love Jesse Jackson, Eliot Spitzer, Gary Hart, John Edward's, JFK, and all wide receivers in the NFL. MF's vote Democratic, claiming they have never been laid off.
Obama Loses Control, Fatua Slips Out at News Conference!
Aides opened all the windows while roomed cleared.. Only NBC staffers remained BEHIND as usual. Fox News said "it was a REAL WMD!" and would take more than an apology to "Clear the Air."
Edward Reacts to "Truth is Big Hurdle" comment from Wife!
"I'm willing to jump anything that will stand still long enough to prove I've still got it" he grinned impishly.
Obama Proves He Can Multi Task/Accomplishes 3 Things at Once!
Plays with himself, jerks off the American public, and pats self on back simultaneously! NBC signs him to new Realty Show tentatively entitled "Monkey Business" with adoring host Chris Mathews.
More Woes for Charlie: Benz Towed!
Wrangel's problems continued after capitol police cited him for illegally parking and driving his unregistered 1972 Mercedes for 36 years. Charlie said he didn't know HE needed a license!
Ahadinejad on Larry King Interview: "OK, you can live!"
Reacting favorably to the chat show host's suckup interview, the Iranian Terrorist said he would amend the Fatua against Jews and leave him out. Relieved, King made plans to replace his 10th wife.
Guardian Sponsors Muslim Pole Dancer to Perform at Obama Fundraiser!
Yasim Fostok, 27, daughter of exiled UK militant Muslim cleric Omar Bakri Mohammed, said she will perform her naked, caged, fire breathing act to support Barack and endorse Sharia Court System.
Democrats Give New Meaning to Term "Deep Pockets""
Sexually addicted Dems have designed a new wardrobe tactic to hide addictive behavior.Congressional Abusers say bottomless pockets feature is "handy" when faced with deciding ethical problems.
Barney Frank Responds to Buckwheat Snippet!
"Speak for yourself!" the Congressman snorted, responding to charges "He Don't Do Dick" in a recent rant against do nothing legislators.
Ethics Committee Respond to Frank's Retort to Buckwheat!
"You may not like his politics," an Ethics Committee member said," but he's a shy guy.Even after all these years in Washington you still have to hand it to him!
Hilliary on Economy: "We'll be Fine...
....I don't know about the rest of you, but Bill and I are quite comfortable. Thanks for asking!"
Biden Improves Image..Hunting Trip Successful..Mounts Trophy Wife!
Unfortunately for the "hair apparent", it wasn't HIS wife!
One Eyed Prostitute Still Waiting for Missing Spitzer!
Promised immunity by Federal Investigators, she said she'd keep an eye out for the former NY Governor.
Boeing to Chavez: Here, Try One of Our 737's!
Boeing said they think they improved a problem in the 737 after only two fatal Russian crashes in a month. "Free Fly" program is marketing ploy offered to Narco Terrorists and appears to be working.
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