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Rating:

No Giant Turtle Babies

In China, a pair of giant turtles have failed to have offspring. There are only four Yangtze giant soft-shell turtles in existence and China was hoping for offspring after a single two-day attempt.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Fillon: On Edge Of The Abyss

French Prime Minister Francois Fillon said on Friday that the world stood on the "edge of the abyss". When asked what we should do, fillon replied, "Why, surrender, of course."

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Crude Oil prices drop more than 40% in last week to six month low

Oil companies respond by raising gas prices five cents per gallon.

written by Jalapenoman, 04 October 2008
Rating:

O.J. Simpson guilty on all counts

Former NFL star to write new book in prison, "If I Hadn't Done This, Here's What I Would Have Done Instead."

written by Jalapenoman, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Illinois Governor guarantees Obama will win the state in November election

Chicago mayor promises that, once again, he'll make sure that the Democrats get the cemetary votes.

written by Jalapenoman, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Achoo...God Bless You

A group calling itself 'The Amalgamated Atheists of America' wants the name 'Praying Mantis' changed to...'The Non-Praying Mantis.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Palin Wired

Sarah Palin, asked if she was wired during her recent debate with Joe Biden, responded "Oh, I'd thrown back a few."

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Hillary Relives Nightmare

Hillary Clinton, unseen for a couple of weeks now, reportedly reliving nightmare of being pinned down by Bosnian snipers and democrat primary results.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Kim Il Jong Recovering

North Korean Dictatator, Kim Il Jong has been spotted in a Pyongyang re-upholstery works repairing old settees. This proves to the world that the 66 year-old is indeed recovering.

written by IN SEINE, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Paula Abdul to Debate Sarah Palin

Pit Bull, my ***, says Paula. Palin's a light-weight compared to Simon.

written by David David, 04 October 2008
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Ruth Kelly Replaced by R Kelly

Gordon Brown claims it will save taxpayers millions on Transport Department letterhead.

written by David David, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Palin Does Good Job

Although VP Candidate Sarah Palin did well in the debate Thursday night, viewers say they were somewhat distracted by John McCain wandering around behind her looking for the men's bathroom.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Saracuda Strikes Again!

Palin questions McCain's decision to stop campaigning in Michigan. She tells him, "You better be careful Johnny...the media's liable to start saying I've got bigger ones than you've got!"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Bush Still After WMD's

President Bush at a press conference yesterday once again insisted upon a connection between Iraq's missing WMD's, recently spotted UFO's and Al Franken.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Murderer Outwits Self

Heart doctor who tries to outwit police by stabbing wife's former lover 37 times, carefully MISSING his heart, forgets and uses surgeon's scissors.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Inner Child To Blame

West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, who will be 91 next month, reports that his Inner Child was the one who pooped during the Senate Bailout Hearings.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Leading Mime Agrees With Obama

A French Mime Commander has agreed with Barack Obama that a direct dialogue should be held with the leaders of Iran and North Korea. He put forth his motion this morning in Paris.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

One Car Acident In NYC

An unknown blonde, her driver's license missing, has somehow managed to twist her own head off while attempting to parallel park her vehicle in downtown Manhattan.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

McSweeny's Finally Gone

Most of the community of Cub Run, Kentucky came together this weekend to cheer on the McSweeny family's loading up their U-Haul and finally moving away, after a total of 97 police visits.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Biden In Cherokee, NC

VP Candidate Joe Biden tells citizens of Cherokee, NC that he may have a little Indian blood in his family. "Grandpa,
who was a lifetime politician, had a really brown nose."

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Bin Laden, Timmy Found

Bulletin from Afghanistan is almost ready to be announced. Rumor is, that Osama Bin Laden has been found by Lassie, along with Timmy, in an old abandoned well.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

10,000 Troops Coming Home

President Bush announced that some 10,000 National Guard troops will be headed home soon from Iraq. They will be replaced by school crossing guards and home room monitors.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Cubscout Search Successful

A Cub Scout Leader in the Great Smokey Mountains loses guidebook on what's edible in the wilds, leads to a huge successful search with bloodhounds through a forest full of lost squatting Cubbies.

written by Bureau, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Palin Apologizes to East Coast States that Were Going to Vote for McCain!

Sarah Palin said: "Golly Gee Wilickers! I was a little old Hockey mom from Wasilly, Alaska to know, by golly that there were all those red states on eastern water frontier of America? Sorry, Flipper!"

written by Pointer, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Joe Six-Pack Arrested for Domestic Violence!

In the wake of his recent fame as Sarah Palin's imaginary friend, Joe Six-pack showed his true colors by beating his hockey mom live-in girlfriend senseless while celebrating Palin's debate victory.

written by Pointer, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Palin Wants to Move Palestine to Juno!

Sarah Palin's peace in the Middle East plan would move Palestine to Juno. We need people in Alaska and Palestinians, though not usually Christian, are almost people too!

written by Pointer, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Palin Praises Civil War General!

Sarah Palin replaces US General McKiernan in charge of war in Afghanistan with perennial failure Civil War General McClellan twice!

written by Pointer, 04 October 2008
Rating:

A $700 Billion Rose By Any Other Name

President Bush finally signed The $700 Billion Emergency Economic Stabilization Act...or to put it more accurately...The $700 Billion Welfare For The Filthy Rich Giveaway.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 October 2008
Rating:

Bush Vetoes Bailout

President Bush vetoed the bailout package late Friday. "I can't believe those jackasses in Congress thought I'd really blow a trillion dollars so easy. It's not like it's a stupid war or anything!"

written by Warren Redlich, 04 October 2008
Rating:

McCain Shifts Campaign to Mexico

Having given up on Michigan Wednesday, John McCain has now given up on campaigning in the US. He's now focusing on Mexico in the hope that support there will trickle up to voters.

written by Warren Redlich, 04 October 2008
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