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Rating:

Tiny Tim's Eukulele Sells for 1.3 Million

Feared lost among television paraphernalia, the puny string guitar from Johnny Carson's frequently visiting falsetto guest sold at auction to Myron Fump, a eunuch and former Vienna Boys Choir member.

written by P.M. Wortham, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Oprah Lavishes Gifts on Homeless Audience

Inviting Chicago's homeless into her audience for a special episode, Oprah donated numerous gifts to them all including; Dyson vacuums, RevereWare pots, Hamilton blenders, and Swiffer Wet Jets.

written by P.M. Wortham, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Joe the Plumber Wins Wet Butt Crack Contest

Hoping to provide entertainment for both sexes, a South Beach bar hosted wet t-shirt and wet butt crack contests last Friday night, where celebrity "Joe the Plumber" won the "crack" event hands down.

written by P.M. Wortham, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Financial TV Guru Cramer Frantically Buying Up "Shorts"!

K-Mart Spokesman said balding stock maniac prefers boxers to thongs. Embarrassed sponsors said Cramer had no choice "but to cover his ass the best he could" after advice bankrupted gullible investors

written by Morse, 17 October 2008
Rating:

DEM Congress Approves Outsourcing of Election Vote Counting to Nigeria!

Reacting to fears by ACORN of "voter fraud", Rep. Barney Frank o.k'd the no bid contract on a voice vote held "in chambers." Frank said "he was deathly afraid" GOP would win if votes tallied in US.

written by Morse, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Some Serious Shiite

In Baghdad yesterday, two bombs had been planted under mosques, apparently by Sunnis. When the bombs from under the mosques exploded, they blew the Shiites out of them.

written by Bureau, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Japan Goes Bananas

Japan has gone bananas over a new diet. So many are on the diet that many stores report that their shelves are empty by noon. When a store recently opened without any bananas, a poo fight broke out.

written by Bureau, 17 October 2008
Rating:

"Doonesbury" Banned from Papers, Trudeau Launches Blackman@Nancy Strip!

Responding to abolition of his tasteless Doonesbury comic, the 60's hippy's strip details misadventures of the new President and his fawning sidekick as the Masked Duo thwart reform in Congress

written by Morse, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Ambassador Jesse Jackson Proclaims End for "Hymietown!"

Reprising his racist rant, the Rev. said "CHANGE BE COMING" to NYC with Obama Presidency. Predicts end of kosher food, Jewish mayors, and Zionist control. Offers up Kwame Kilpatrick "to fix things!"

written by Morse, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Chavez Closes McDonalds...claims "personal financial weight Loss!"

Narco Dictator suspects fast food franchise of cooking books and denying him tax money. Franchise says taxes so high now they are forced to abandon burgers and serve only "Hot Dogs" named HUGEo!

written by Morse, 17 October 2008
Rating:

ACLU Appeals Judge's Ruling that "You Can't Sue God!"

Taking on Nebraska DEM State Senator's disallowed case because "God can't be found to issue Subpoena", ACLU spokesman cried "FOUL!" Claims Sen. Obama will be the World's most accessible Deity!

written by Morse, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Worldnet Slams Obama!

Says online news report: "Without a doubt, Barack Obama has definitely been puttting on 'Ayers'! Obama camp has declined to comment.

written by Leslie Mintz , 17 October 2008
Rating:

Cindy McCain breaks down in tears to best friend!

Says Cindy: "I don't know what is worse. Johns' newly diagnosed dementia, or his private play 'War Room'".

written by Leslie Mintz , 17 October 2008
Rating:

The Musical Sounds of Tons and Tons of Money

Rock icons Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel perform at a fundraising concert in New York raising money for Sen. Obama. Sen. McCain replied, "Well back in 1988 I saw Tony Bennett at a Burger King."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 17 October 2008
Rating:

The Great Lakes (H.O.M.E.S.)

The five Great Lakes are in bad shape. Sen. Obama stated, "Fundamentally, we can do one of two things. One we can clean them up or two we can change their name to The Not-So-Great Lakes."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 17 October 2008
Rating:

All We Are Saying is...

A new poll of pubs in Britain shows that the number one song has switched from "Ninety-Nine Beers On The Wall" to "Give Piss A Chance".

written by Bureau, 17 October 2008
Rating:

New Plans For Central Park?

An assistant for New York's Mayor Bloomberg says, with the economy as it is, he is laying out plans for the possibility of farming Central Park.

written by Bureau, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Bill Promises Hillary

Former President Bill Clinton has promised his wife Hillary that, should she run again in 2012, he's keep both his mouth and his pants zipped up.

written by Bureau, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Coach Bobby Knight...67 Going On 6

Coach Bobby Knight, 67, says he wants to return to coach college basketball. When asked why he replied, "I guess I just miss watching myself on television make a complete ass of myself."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Little Bitty Tuxedos

Scientists are reporting that the Arctic Ocean is getting warmer. And they offer proof by saying that more and more penguins are being observed sticking handfuls of snow in their underwear.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Secret Lab Tests Revealed by Chinese Olympic Committe Defector

Unnamed defector says HGH drug to be given to 2000 female babies. China, wants taller women in future for Olympic Games. The days of US women winning in Volley Ball are over! No comment from China.

written by Leslie Mintz , 17 October 2008
Rating:

Gay Retreat

A poll in San Francisco reveals that the most popular honeymooning destination for newly-married gays to be Mount Vernon.

written by Bureau, 17 October 2008
Rating:

McCain Mixing Two Countries

John McCain: Yes I realize that I keep saying Czechoslovakia when I know that country no longer exists. What I mean is Prussia.

written by Bureau, 17 October 2008
Rating:

Not Luggage This Time

Southwest Airlines has recorded it's first loss in 17 years. A spokesman for the airlines told ABC this morning that "It's only been luggage previously, but this time we've misplaced an airliner."

written by Bureau, 17 October 2008
Rating:

ACORN Registering Squirrels

The FBI is investigating the ethics of a political organization called ACORN. For one thing, they have registered Rocky J Squirrel seventeen times.

written by Bureau, 17 October 2008
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