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Rating:

Mi Lapiz Es Azul (My Pencil Is Blue)

A 6.5 earthquake hits Mexico. Authorities report no injuries but did see three terrified 'toros,' some scattered 'pinatas,' and a Taco Bell sign missing the T, the C, the O, and the second L.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Gambler's Anonymous? You Bet!

A Dublin, Ireland bookmaker declares Sen. Obama will win the Nov. 4 election. It's already paying off: Joe Biden will receive $40, Michelle Obama will receive $90, and Sarah Palin will receive $850.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Sixty-Five Percent Fell Asleep

A new poll shows that last night's McCain/Obama debate was just as boring as the one in Nashville last Tuesday, now dubbed "The Tennessee Waltz".

written by Bureau, 16 October 2008
Rating:

New Government Booklet

A new free government booklet allows you to see how an early death may affect the amount of social security you'll be able to draw.

written by Bureau, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Tobacco Company Clears The Air

The R J Reynolds Tobacco Company say they blame the increased cost of cigarettes on higher taxes, higher costs of addictive chemicals and fewer customers after all the deaths by lung cancer.

written by Bureau, 16 October 2008
Rating:

FEMA Finally Finishes Complete Report

After another final study in Chicago, a FEMA report recommends that one must never leave a burning lantern anywhere near a cow.

written by Bureau, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Eleven year Old Goth

A Goth kid has built his own playhouse in the shape of a funeral home, complete with cardboard caskets. Meanwhile, he greets every visitor to his parents house with, "Come in. Sorry about your loss."

written by Bureau, 16 October 2008
Rating:

World of Shit

Tha space station has once again reported that the toilet there is still acting up. NASA Headquarters received a call earlier today stating, "Houston, we're in a world of shit up here!"

written by Bureau, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Nader Points Out Defects

Ralph Nader went on the offense yesterday pointing out all the defects in the automobiles owned by Barack Obama and John McCain.

written by Bureau, 16 October 2008
Rating:

A.A. Is Cutting Fues Costs

American Airlines has announced, that in order to cut fuel costs, it's considering shutting off engines and coasting for 15 minutes at a time or else using only one motor at a time.

written by Bureau, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Y'all Have A Happy Pumpkin Day Ya Hear?

An Ohio man who burned a cross on his front lawn told police it was just a Halloween joke. Later that day, a carload of Blacks jumped him yelling, "Trick or Treat MoFo!"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Will 'The Ice Mama' Be Playing The Flute?

Sarah Palin (aka The Wasilla Wilderness Woman) has been approached by The Fox Network to appear in a new wildlife/workout reality show named, 'Buns With Guns.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

The Grand Wizard of The Order Out Pizza

Rep. John Murtha apologized for saying that people living in western Pennsylvania were racist because they're not. KKK Grand Dragon Bubba Bob Grumbleberry of Moon Pa. stated, "The hell we ain't!"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

"This Is The Police - Slowly Put Down That Baby Rattle!"

A New York woman given three years in prison for concealing a sawed-off shotgun in baby stroller...First it's a sawed-off shotgun in the stroller, next it could have led to a howitzer in the playpen.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Joe The Plumber: I Speak English

Joe Wurzelbacher (aka Joe The Plumber) was mentioned 16 times by both Obama and McCain during their debate. The Fox Network has already offered him his own reality show named 'Peeps With Leaks.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Palin Tells McCain to Stand Up to Obama...

...then leaves him for a younger man.

written by Kilroy, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Obama Accuses McCain of negative campaign ads…

…featuring Muppets singing "Oh-Ba-Ma-Na…noo nooo noo noo noo".

written by Jack Van Gump, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Pass The Ice Cubes Please

North Korea threatens to freeze ties with South Korea. President Bush replies, "And just who the heck do those folks think is gonna buy a frozen tie?

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Bush: I Have Not Invaded A Country In What Is It....Months?

Bush angry that Cambodia and Thailand have not ironed out their dispute says, "Look you 'Camerabuffs' and 'Thighmasters' better stop your 'BS' or else I'm invading both your countries."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Michael Jackson's Sister Is Back

Janet Jackson after mysteriously cancelling a bunch of concerts finally returned to the concert stage. Janet performed live before a crowd of six; Betty, Becky, Tyrell, Kayla, Juanita, and Junior.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

McCain Needs To Visit Scranton and Delaware

McCain to start a 'Red State Tour.' Biden asks, "What the hell is he doing visiting Russia, when we are smack dab in the middle of a presidential campaign?

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Apathy Association Schedules First Meeting

The American Apathy Association scheduled its first meeting for April 31, 2009. It will take place in a cereal box with sufficient capacity for the biggest turnout in the history of apathetics.

written by Warren Redlich, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Second commission finds Palin took advantage of position after first commission study found no wrongdoing

John McCain responded by saying "how about the best two out of three?"

written by Jalapenoman, 16 October 2008
Rating:

C.S.I. featuring death of Warrick Brown highest rated televsion episode in five years

Executives at C.B.S. and Jerry Bruckheimer Productions now plan on killing off a cast member each week to keep ratings high.

written by Jalapenoman, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Texas A&M releases plan to cut greenhouse gases at University

School solution will not let greenhouse employees to eat Taco Bell bean burritos during lunch hour.

written by Jalapenoman, 16 October 2008
Rating:

McCain upset by Obama statement that U.S. has 57 states

"There were only 13 when I was a kid. Where did the others come from?"

written by Jalapenoman, 16 October 2008
Rating:

Obama Campaign Breaks New Ground With Political Ads in Video Games!

ACORN Marketing officials say the campaign is adding voters. Video Stores are almost sold out of "Grand Theft Auto", "Alien Invasion", "Urban Warfare", "Drive By" and "Vote Till You Drop."

written by Morse, 16 October 2008
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