Spoof news snippets from October 2008
There were 811 spoof news snippets published in October 2008. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Ozzy Osbourne said "I don't know any f***ing Russian billionaire and I got enough money meself so whoever told you this bollox is a f***ing lying b*stard."
<shouts> "Sharon where's that F***ing tea?"
Smegmadale Autumn Sales
Some great discount bargains on offer this week at the Smegmadale Poundland Emporium's Autumn sale, with 25% off most items including grey paint, inflatable tomcats, barbed wire and broken glass.
Ross and Brand: over-rated, cheap and out of control.
The Beeb is anxious to minimise any financial fallout over Ross and Brand's distasteful antics, so has included their names in the list of 1,800 items of human deadwood it is making redundant.
Carbon Footprint Reduction Estimates Fantasy
Carbon footprint science clots today admitted that publicizing carbon reduction information is producing more of the crap than affecting its reduction.
Soap Actor Cleared over Attack
Soap actor Ben Lux, who plays a bar of soap in ITV1's Smegmadale, has been cleared of attacking a 16 year old female bar of Palmolive soap from Cheshire, while on vacation in Barbados. Que?
David Blaine to be Reborn
Street Magic star David Blaine today signed a deal to perform his latest endurance feat, Reborn, by being enclosed in a giant condom and stuck up Jade Goody's pussy for a month.
UK Police Launch Alternative to 999 Calls
Police hope the new number - 10-10-10 - will make it easier for the public to contact them in emergency situations and reduce the number of inappropriate 999 calls.
Ray Mears Arrested
Survivalist Ray Mears was arrested today in Alaska while driving a dog sled and husky team whose Tundra Tax and MOT certificates had expired.
Paddington Bear is 50 today
Paddington Bear's 50th birthday party tour around London in an open-topped bus has been cancelled due assassination threats by the Popular Front for the Liberation of Wandsworth.
Jimmy Page spotted at tool shop
Led Zeppelin guitarist, Jimmy Page, was spotted at a Plant hire shop. Mr Page was said to be looking rather desperate.
Golden Gun Stolen
A gun, worth £80,000 was stolen from studios in Hertfordshire. The golden gun was last used in the 1974 Bond movie, The Man With The Golden Gun. Police suspect a man with 3 nipples stole it.
Condoms for Goats?
The Nanny state has issued Kenyan goats with condoms - just in case they get the horn.
Following successful surgery, Tree Man says he plans to branch out. Financiers remain skeptical...
Obama 'honoured' by Mugabe offer
Barak Obama's office announced today that he would be honoured to take over a couple of farms in Zimbabwe should his election campaign fail...in response to Mugabe offer.
Blame The French
When asked who was to blame for the global financial crisis, Brit would-be PM David Cameron slated the French for being too sensible, too laid back, too patriotic, and too into doing their own thing.
Usain Bolt Happy With Training Regime
Yeah man, me so happy with the training. Me run 100 meters this mornin and when I looked back me saw meself catchin me up
The French government were reported to be 'not bothered' about what anybody thinks outside of France. 'We don't have time for this nonsense,' a French spokesperson said.
Cashley Cole Boos Arthur Pewty
Pewty responds: 'It's a piss take.'
Palin says "time to take the gloves off"
Obama replies, "Is my proctology exam finished?"
Troubled AIG to Drop Manchester United Sponsorship
Red's Wayne Rooney was upbeat at the likelihood of having something easier to spell on his shirt.
Ruth Kelly Replaced by R Kelly
Gordon Brown claims it will save taxpayers millions on Transport Department letterhead.
Paula Abdul to Debate Sarah Palin
Pit Bull, my ***, says Paula. Palin's a light-weight compared to Simon.
Barney Frank Hot for Mullah's New Holloween Costume Idea!
Barney was "wild" over Sheikh Muhammed al Habadan's decree to adapt a Nigab with only one eye exposed to limit sexual arousal in men. Frank had one of the veils hemmed to wear as "jogging shorts"
Bee Gees hit could save your life
US medics find the Bee Gees song, Stayin' Alive, provides an ideal beat to follow when performing CPR on a victim of a cardiac arrest. However, listening to the 'Smiths' can instantly kill you.
Illinois Governor guarantees Obama will win the state in November election
Chicago mayor promises that, once again, he'll make sure that the Democrats get the cemetary votes.
Acorn Announces Plans to Register More Black Bears in Alaska!
David Duke sez: won't work-- too cold, they can't swim, bloods too thin, and they'd rather eat from a condo dumpster than earn their own food....but if they can dance......."
DEMS Now Lead GOP 5-1 In Illegal Voter Registrations!
Florida leads ACORN voter drive with 108,000 convicted felons registered. No one has time to check identities. DEMS say they'll look into it "next year!" GOP says "Supreme Court will settle it!"
Pair of nickers found at Beckham Mansion
A couple, both housekeepers at David Beckham's Mansion have been accused of stealing various items and trying to sell them on ebay - including two of Victoria's size -4 dresses.
In a new book release, author Hans Shultz reveals that longtime Palestian Leader, Yasser Arafat, once had an affair with Gaza Gabor.
Something Smells Fishy In Seattle
Seven orca whales are missing from Seattle's Puget Sound. Police are interrogating the owner of Seattle's newest restaurant, 'Ollie's Orcaburgers.'
Wildly Swinging Rep. Barney Frank Warns Others in Foursome!
Teeing off with four friends at local swingers club, the Democratic Congressman suddenly yelled "FOREskin!", when his penis inadvertently darted out of bounds.He happily swallowed a 2 stoke penalty
Obama takes 7 point lead over McCain
"It's just a touchdown," said the Arizona Senator, "we'll get 'em back in the second half."
Mars Lander finds evidence of water and snow on planet
The discovery was found behind a Starbucks and next door to an Indian owned motel and a convenience store near the canals.
Study traces origin of A.I.D.S. virus to over 100 years ago
John McCain said that he is not responsible.
IOC concludes that there were no problems with age of Chinese gymnasts
Announcement made from party on nudist cruise ship in Greek isles sponsored by Chinese goverment
The Crazy World of Insects
A one foot long Borneo stick bug was named 'The World's Biggest Stick Bug.' Unfortunately, an hour later, it was eaten by a Borneo spider that had been named 'The World's Biggest Spider.'
For Sale: One Chinese Fire Drill
Wal-Mart sets new rules for Chinese suppliers: Don't send any more 'Glow-in-The-Dark Rice' or Chinese checkers made from cat balls. And we are returning all unsold jalapeno-flavored chop sticks.
Mi Lapiz Es Azul (My Pencil Is Blue)
A 6.5 earthquake hits Mexico. Authorities report no injuries but did see three terrified 'toros,' some scattered 'pinatas,' and a Taco Bell sign missing the T, the C, the O, and the second L.
The Robbery Note Read: Hand Over The Right Guard
A man in Florida used a BB gun to rob a can of deodorant from a supermarket. When police asked him why in the world he would use a BB gun, he replied, "Because my water gun was out of water."
Madonna's Latest Tour: "The Like A Material Divorce Tour"
Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie announce (again) that they are divorcing. Madonna told a reporter "and we are going to keep announcing it until people start paying attention."
Would You Like Some Hot Sauce?
A Colorado couple ordered some tacos and found a small bag of marijuana on top of them. The customer told police, "Look I specifically said we'd like some tacos with no onions and no marijuana."
Cindy McCain - The Queen of Budweiser
Joe the Plumber endorses John McCain. When asked if Cindy McCain hiring him as a beer truck driver at $37.50 an hour had anything to do with it, Joe said, "Hey that's why they call it politics, duh."
Internet survey wants to know which Harry Potter teen star you think will be the most successful in their acting career
The majority says that, unless Emma Watson chooses to perform nude, it will probably still be Alan Rickman and Maggie Smith.
O.J. Simpson guilty on all counts
Former NFL star to write new book in prison, "If I Hadn't Done This, Here's What I Would Have Done Instead."
Russian Stock Market Tanks, Causes Run on Bidets!
Kohler Corp.says it can't keep up with Russian demand for their top of the line bidets. Local plumber Boris Dumpinsky says: Da! wash potatoes, crush, make vodka, tastes like piss, forget about Putin!
Bush Memo: Cancel The Fence, We're Gettin' Us A Wall!
Richard Garriott who paid Russia $30 million to fly on their space station says he got his money's worth. Next he wants to buy 'The Great Wall of China' and move it to the US-Mexico border.
India launches it's first unmanned moon rocket. It's neighbor Bangladesh says it hopes to also launch it's first moon rocket just as soon as it can find a nice, affordable used one to buy.
Obama Earmarks $157,000 to Bailout Oprah's Momma!
Oprah's Momma, Vernita Lee, is in trouble, AGAIN. After settling a $175k clothing bill in 2002, says she will sue store for extending more credit to feed her habit. Obama pledges "racist bill" Bailout.
British Summer Time has been CANCELLED, because here in Britain, we have had no summer.... YET!
World of Shit
Tha space station has once again reported that the toilet there is still acting up. NASA Headquarters received a call earlier today stating, "Houston, we're in a world of shit up here!"
Shark "virgin birth" confirmed by scientists
Independent research could not confirm that the shark pup walked across the Indian Ocean as the seawater suddenly changed to wine and the reporters were to drunk to work.
Muslim Riots at Presidential Poling Places Cause Chaos!
Illegal, militant Muslims are refusing leave the Polls until foot baths are installed in voting booths. Americans agree, but say THEY need to wash their hands after "feeling dirty on shitty choices".
Obama and McCain agree to swap Vice Presidential Candidates for Hollywood election theme
The election will now be "Grumpy Old Men" versus "The Young and the Restless."
Crude Oil prices drop more than 40% in last week to six month low
Oil companies respond by raising gas prices five cents per gallon.
Cigarette Butts The Size of Loaves of Bread
Geologists in Utah discover a 190 million year old 'dinosaur dance floor.' Among artifacts they dig up are a two-foot drink umbrella, a lipstick the size of a Kia, and a Tyrannosaurus condom.
Rolls Royces' 'Silver Spirit' to have make over
The 'Silver Spirit' mascot that has adorned Rolls Royce cars for almost a century is to be replaced by the 'Siren' - a golden model of Kate Moss.
Very Litttle Helps!
A naked man found stuck up a chimney in a Tesco supermarket told police today that he was not going to burgle the shop but that he was dyslexic and he thought their slogan was: "Very Little Helps".
The Grand Wizard of The Order Out Pizza
Rep. John Murtha apologized for saying that people living in western Pennsylvania were racist because they're not. KKK Grand Dragon Bubba Bob Grumbleberry of Moon Pa. stated, "The hell we ain't!"
Readin', Rritin', and, Rithmatic
Sarah Palin tells a campaign crowd that McCain will probably get 100% of the KKK vote. Joe Biden replies "Not unless the ballots have photos."
Coach Bobby Knight...67 Going On 6
Coach Bobby Knight, 67, says he wants to return to coach college basketball. When asked why he replied, "I guess I just miss watching myself on television make a complete ass of myself."
The Great Lakes (H.O.M.E.S.)
The five Great Lakes are in bad shape. Sen. Obama stated, "Fundamentally, we can do one of two things. One we can clean them up or two we can change their name to The Not-So-Great Lakes."
Indian Waiters Kill "Arrogant" UK Writer in Australia! Ends "on the bus this morning" travelogue!
Indian waiters in the Goa region reacted violently, ganging up and beating to death the UK tourist during his final meal. Staff said he was "rude" and refused to curry favour amongst stinking servers.
Sort of Like The ZZ Top Song
Bull vs. Bear Market looking for bottom. Hugh Hefner replies, "What a coincidence, so am I."
"Wimmins and Chenelmens Preeze Phasen Yor Sheat Bells"
A United Airlines pilot arrested and taken out of the cockpit on suspicion of being drunk. The pilot vehemently denied it, but the nude stripper that was sitting on his lap kind of gave him away.
The Emperor Sticks His Cowboy Boot In His Mouth Again
President Bush says the US has to help poor nations. What??? Ahhhh look around Georgy boy because thanks to you and your GOPals WE are now one of those 'poor' nations.
Free Pizza: But We Don't Deliver
A Pizzeria is offering free pizza for anyone bringing in a McCain sign. Not to be outdone another pizzeria will take Obama signs in exchange for a free pizza, a 3 liter soda, cheese sticks, and $200.
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke his pinkie finger during their loss to the Arizona Cardinals. His girlfriend Jessica Simpson replied, "Hey y'all I'm just happy it wasn't his ring finger."
Amazon Cargo Boat Tragedy
A cargo boat sank in the Amazon river today. Known to be infested with Piranah fish. There were no survivors.
"However a skeleton crew were left." authorities said.
Yes, I'll Have Fries With That
American companies are scrambling for a piece of that $700 billion bailout. At the head of the line is the CEO of the McDonald's corporation, who stated, "Hey have you priced sesame seeds lately?"
Texas A&M releases plan to cut greenhouse gases at University
School solution will not let greenhouse employees to eat Taco Bell bean burritos during lunch hour.
C.S.I. featuring death of Warrick Brown highest rated televsion episode in five years
Executives at C.B.S. and Jerry Bruckheimer Productions now plan on killing off a cast member each week to keep ratings high.
Biden Labels Dem Economic Plan "Obamination"!
Speaking at a Scout convention, he was corrected by an Eagle Scout who had not cheated to earn his badges, explaining the word was "Abomination". Stunned, he mumbled "Whatever" and was led away.
ACLU Appeals Judge's Ruling that "You Can't Sue God!"
Taking on Nebraska DEM State Senator's disallowed case because "God can't be found to issue Subpoena", ACLU spokesman cried "FOUL!" Claims Sen. Obama will be the World's most accessible Deity!
Oprah Lavishes Gifts on Homeless Audience
Inviting Chicago's homeless into her audience for a special episode, Oprah donated numerous gifts to them all including; Dyson vacuums, RevereWare pots, Hamilton blenders, and Swiffer Wet Jets.
Witch Crashes at Heathrow
A 98 year-old Witch, Zelda Haggard, lost control of her broom over London's busy Heathrow airport today. "A 737 inbound from Toulouse just cut me up and I flew off the handle" she cackled.
England does its bit for Obama campaign
Following the American trend of having dog collars with the words 'BARK FOR BARAK', English 'doggers' (folks who have sex in public) are going to wear wrist bands and condoms saying 'BONK FOR BARAK'.
Sing It Reba, But A Little Higher This Time
Country music singer Reba McEntire reveals that she was a 'man' in a previous life...okay so that explains why she forgot her wedding anniversary, her love for spitting, and her moustache.
Lewis Hamilton takes pole in Japan
Britain's F1 ace, Lewis Hamilton has taken a Pole out for an evening meal in Tokyo before Sunday's Grand Prix. The Pole, Anna Cracowlav, 22, from Warsaw, enjoyed her meal of sushi and noodles.
A Little Bit of That Crawford, Texas Cipherin'
President Bush raised $2 million in Florida and South Carolina. He stated that after he is reimbursed for motel room, meals, and gas money, he will turn over about $1 million to the GOP Committee.
Good Thing He Didn't Try To Steal a Lobster
A Florida man caught trying to steal bags of frozen shrimp by sticking them in his pants...kind of gives new meaning to the word...shrimp.
Hey Vito, Is That Your Toilet Ringing?
Texas prison officials are upset that many inmates have cell phones; a direct prison violation. One warden first became suspicious when the pizza delivery guy was showing up five or six times a day.
Myrtle Beach Police Investigate Shooting at Derriere's Gentlemen's Club!
Shot in the ass, visiting politician, Barney Frank declined to press charges. "I got it all backwards, I thought it was a different kind of club."
Gordon Brown's Eyesight Continuing to Fail.."can't see Shit" says aide!
The PM, blind in one eye from Rugby injury, hampered by cataract in other, continues to stumble leading the Labour Party. "it's really getting messy at 10 Downing, he keeps steppin' in IT" aide said
Pelosi Calls House Back to Session, Offers New Stimulus Package!
Saying "We'll have time on our hands now", referring to Obama Presidency, the speaker gifted her supporters with ribbon wrapped solar powered dildos. She reminded them " to keep your thumb on it!"
New Study Links High Sperm Count to Intelligence: Palin Urges Vasectomy for DEMS!
Backed by the Surgeon General, Governor Palin urged IQ challenged DEMS to lay off in hopes of curtailing stupidity in Congress. Seems doubtful as ACORN continues to register voters from low gene pool
The GOP Has Lot$ and Lot$ and Lot$ of Money
Due to the controversy that she spent $150,000 on clothes Sarah Palin said, "I'm taking the clothes back, and I'll just campaign in the nude." McCain's poll numbers instantly shot up 17 points!
Gambler's Anonymous? You Bet!
A Dublin, Ireland bookmaker declares Sen. Obama will win the Nov. 4 election. It's already paying off: Joe Biden will receive $40, Michelle Obama will receive $90, and Sarah Palin will receive $850.
Kindly and Gently Place All Firearms In The Collection Plate
A Harlem church collected 500 guns in exchange for $200 bank cards. The only downside is that the guns had been used in robberies to get other guns, to get other guns, to get other guns...
Alaska - The Land of The Mortified Moose
Joe Biden told a crowd of supporters, "Ladies and gentlemen I am tremendously thrilled to announce that Sarah Palin's 15 minutes of fame are just-about-up!"
She'll Certainly Make Some Man A Good Wife
A woman from Barcelona, Spain was awarded the International Macy's Award of Merit for proving that you CAN make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Made In Korea by Koreans
North Korea is set to make a big announcement. Inside sources say North Korea and South Korea will officially exchange names. North Korea says they want to drive the American mapmakers crazy.
Earthquakes Are Relatively Unheard of In Texas
Two minor earthquakes rocked the Dallas-Fort Worth area. Meanwhile it is being reported on Fox News that Cheyenne, Wyoming is bracing for Hurricane Panchita.
You Can't See The Forest For The Bush
McCain & Palin focusing on economy. McCain says, "Okay, I'm focused...and my friends, the economy is all 'F'ed up!" Sarah Palin says, "I'm focused and I can see the Russian economy from my house."
So That's How Custer Felt
The McCain campaign is concerned that the cavalry just ain't coming. 'Snowflake Sarah' Palin remarked, "Ya know, I think what probably happened is that they turned left at Detroit."
Would You Like Your Weapon in Paper or Plastic?
A new drugstore in Virginia will not sell candy, sodas, or birth control items...how about guns? You'll find them in aisle 7 next to the swords.
Sticks & Stones 'Big Mac & Bones'
McCain said Obama will 'say anything' to get elected. Obama replied, "That's not so, because basically and fundamentally, I will not only 'say anything,' I will also 'do anything' to get elected."
A Beyonce By Any Other Name
Beyonce has christened herself, 'Sasha Fierce' and she wants people to call her by that name. When Michael Jackson heard about it he said, "Okay and I want people to call me LaQuisha Timid."
Apple, iPod, and Mr. Fifi
The computer giant Apple, Inc., maker of iPod, states it is in favor of same-sex marriages. iPod sales in West Hollywood instantly increase by 400%.
Solar System Maps - The Scientific Christmas Gift
NASA launches probe to map the solar system edge...one inch equals 50,000,000 miles!
There was another stock plunge yesterday and a cattle boat leaving Argentina and headed for Brazil with a huge load of cattle went under.
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