George Takei loved it!
George Takei made his first tandem parachute jump today as 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here' started. The Guy behind me was brilliant, and yes, the earth did move for me!" he said.
BBC to be sued
Gateshead Council are to sue the BBC over claiming an Angel figure to be worth over £1 million on its 'Antiques Roadshow' programme. "Don't they know it's only 15 years-old?" said a Council Official.
New Google Venture
Google are in talks with Pink Floyd's David Gilmour for rights to show the 'Dark Side of the Moon' in their new Google Moon venture which is to be launched as an offshoot of Google Earth, next year.
Woman 4-star General demoted
A woman has been promoted to 4-star general - the first female to reach the US army's highest rank. Within 10 minutes, Gen. Ann Dunwoody was demoted when she was caught playing with her privates.
Blakey hates Butler no more
Stephen Lewis who played Blakey on 'On the Buses', famously said "I hate you Butler!" is no longer able to, now that Reg Varney, has passed away aged 92.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Start (hic) Your Engines
NASCAR will band testing in 2009 to save team's money. So basically drivers won't be tested since it costs a lot of money to make sure that none of them are driving 200 MPH under the influence.
The Donald - aka 'The Planet Man'
Two teams of astronomers have photo images showing four new planets outside our solar system. Donald Trump says that he has already inquired about purchasing and developing the four planets.
Togo! Togo! Togo!
India plants it's flag on the the moon. They now join an elite club that includes the US, Russia, Japan, and China. Meanwhile the tiny African nation of Togo said, they are negotiating with FedEx.
Canada releases fat git from prison
Canadian authorities have released a prisoner known as Big Mike who was found to be too fat to fit in his cell. Michel Lapointe was sentenced for 5 years but it will take 6 years to get him out.
A manhunt is under way in west Germany for a convicted drug dealer who escaped by mailing himself out of jail. Police were suspicious when they found the parcel had no stamps or a forwarding address.
It has been pointed out by an unnamed source that "If the Chinese are so wise, how come they celebrate New Year in the middle of fucking February?"
Indian Lunar probe
India's first unmanned lunar spacecraft, Chandrayaan 1, has sent a probe on to the surface of the Moon. This action has been taken to check out the viability of buiding a corner shop and a restaurant.
Hollywood Fame Maim Game
BJBE or 'Black Jack Blacks Eyes' is becoming the hot game this year, due to overhyping of his shite movies. "I cant wait to pop the little shit one on the hooter" said famous psychopath Dennis Hopper.
Girl Guide & Boy Scout Leaders tie the knot
And headline writer stabbed by bad pun vigilante.
Popeye Dolls to sue Simon Cowell for name theft
Little known Ukranian toymakers LeadPayntGameKorp, makers of replica dolls of popular Spinach addict Popeye, are suing Simon Cowell. Serves the smug cunt right. Wanker.
Mini Pringles to replace communion wafer
In a move to boost church finances, they have finally gone down the road of commercial christianity. Look out for the New Improved Testament, sponsored by CocaCola, hitting the bookshelves this Xmas!
Pop Stars bad lyrics lead to Poetic Licence being Revoked
The weeping, mediocre X-Factor generation was in turmoil today at the news that from midnight, lyrics must have substance, originality and emotion. Louis Walsh was rushed to hospital with chest pains.
Housewarming Party to stand in next general election
Admittedly, no-one is too sure how this surreal pun is going to work in reality. But, they cant be worst than't last bloody lot, can they, eh? eh?
Haitian Earthquake produces 'Perfect Milkshake'
Corporate warmongers & taste-free burger makers McDonalds execs. celebrated today with news that a recent 7.9 tremor in central Haiti created perfect milkshake consistency. Oh, & 193,000 locals died.
Exorcising Demons makes them fitter - report
Priests have been warned off exorcisms, as, if you believe the headline, it actually increases demonic strength. But, its probably bollocks.
TV presenters alcohol shame - Jamie Theakstons bitter.
Bland, weak-faced pretty boy Jamie has been hitting the booze, ironically without his 'pint'-sized sidekicks Ant & Dick.
Its fortunate that his name is a feeble pun for a named brand Northern ale.
Mystery Laundry Masturbator Comes Clean
A TV celebrity caught wanking into Girls Alouds underwear at the BBC studios has confessed to his miscreance. Legally we cannot print his name, but a clue may be that he loves the smell of 'Daz'
Beckham designs a new boot
David Beckham has designed a new boot: a car boot. Yes he says that the car boot will be u shaped and hold twice as much cargo as other vehicles.