Spoof news snippets from November 2008
There were 575 spoof news snippets published in November 2008. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
VAT to be cut in 'Rescue Package'.
The UK's Labour government has cut VAT by 2.5% as part of an emergency package aimed at kick-starting the economy, ignoring the fact the country is so far up shit creek it needs bigger paddles.
Yet Another Bank Bailout
In the wake of the recent rush of UK bank crisies the Royal Sperm Bank of Smegmadale has jumped on the bandwagon and requested a temporary loan of the government's top wankers.
Miley Cyrus catches Smiley Virus
Split-arsed pop cult cretinette Miley Cyrus today spontaneously combusted after contracting the fatal
self-inflicted Smiley Virus while pulling faces in her bathroom mirror
After completing the first year of my positive thinking course I couldn't decide whether to carry on with it or not, so have given it up.
Arnold the Terminator Backs McCain
CA Governor Arnie Squashanigger today gave a rousing speech supporting John McCain which the media say will guarantee the Presidential hopeful loses the election to the multi-national Bar-rat Obama.
Japanese air force commander fired
Gen Toshio Tamogami was fired today for publicly stating Japan was not an aggressor in WW2, thus obviously intimating his country attacked Pearl Harbour as an act of friendship towards the US.
Zbigniew Brzezinski's puppy buys own mutt
Zbigniew Brzezinski's Presidential puppy puppet, Bark-bark Obama, is to get a mutt of his own for being a good dog during the campaign and barack-ing on demand.
Next trick ? Roll over n play dead?
Burst mouse anyone?
Japanese scientists achieved a great leap forward in cloning technology after cloning mice whose bodies had been frozen for 16 years, claiming overall success despite the frozen cells bursting.
Grow your own Diesel
A tree-living fungus Gliocladium roseum that manufactures diesel fuel has been discovered in Amazonia. With the fuel costing up to £20 a litre it could become a new source of green energy. Que?
Mexican Interior Minister killed in a plane crash
Juan Camilo Mourino, the government nemesis of Mexico's powerful drug cartels, was killed today in yet another weirdly expedient plane crash when his aircraft exploded shortly after take-off.
Rashid Rauf is Toast
US air strike in Pakistan snuffs Rashid Rauf the alleged masterminded of the liquid bombs plot to blow up planes by mixing everyday household chemicals in the airliner's on-board laboratory
British SAS Commander Quits Afghanistan
The commanding officer of the elite and reputedly fearless SAS today quit Afghanistan saying the conflict was too dangerous and called his troops' vehicles mobile coffins.
Dismembered Body Latest
The dismembered body of a man found on wasteland in Halesowen on Monday, was said in a police statement today to be "still dead".
One-Legged Man Contacts Ghost Limb
A Boston spiritualist has helped a one-legged man contact his ghost limb. "We had a good conversation", stated Marine Major Len Arnold. "I'd ask a question and it'd stomp once for Yes, twice for No."
Rodney King On Obama Landslide
Yeah, I'm ecstatic, it's a dream fulfilled, but will you please stop hitting me with that baton.
North London Man Robbed By Carjacjacker
I didn't see it, says fellow passenger Arsene Wenger.
Living With Three Dead Siblings
Police in Evanston, Illinois say a 90-year-old woman there was living with three dead siblings. "I wondered why George didn't respond to my Three Spade Bid", stated Mrs. Guenther.
A Bucket of Thighs (Mmmm-Mmmm)
Beyonce, Mariah Carey, and Alicia Keys are working out the details of a three-gal tour. An assistant to Beyonce says the tour is tentatively called, "The Thunderous Thighs Tour."
Otherwise, A Beautiful Day
In Honolulu, Hawaii today, a sudden shark attack ruined an otherwise non-lethal day in the sun for the Brown family who came here all the way from Detroit, Michigan.
Mom & Pop Store's Stock Now Ten Cents
"Mom & Pop Stores" stock dropped again for the 977th day in a row as seventeen new Wal-Marts opened despite the nation being in a recession.
EU Issues "Strong Concern"
The European Union has issued a "Strong Concern" over the Russian nuclear missles headed their way. No word since.
Hey, Grandma You're Tree Smells Kinda Funny
A zoo in Bloomington, Illinois has created Christmas ornaments made from dried reindeer droppings. What's next, cologne made from hippopatamus pee?
Dried Mushrooms Could Save Us
A report out this morning says that dried mushrooms could slow global warming, feed all the hungry, stop all wars or,
if consumed, just allow us to not give a shit one way or another.
Alien Info Released By Brits
Britain has now released all its official records on UFO information, including the fact that aliens completely deny having anything to do with Lady Diana's death.
Taliban Doing Their Share
In a move towards doing their share in the fight against global warming, The Taliban have vowed to use only solar-powered batteries for genital hook-ups.
What About Katrina?
When someone yelled at President Bush headed towards Air Force One this morning, "What about Katrina?", Bush replied, "She's great but I think Serena can take her!"
The auto-aid plan headed for defeat as Big Three teeters.
Dolly Parton CD sales down 50% as Big Two teeters.
It's Being Spread Around
Several people are still celebrating the Barack Obama victory last Tuesday. Some of them have already began "Spreading it around!", especially the hookers.
Neanderthals May Have Talked
New DNA analysis proves that Neanderthals were capable of speaking like humans. Key phrases like "Pull Ogg's finger" still in use by today's Neanderthals.
Hillary Blames NRA
Hillary Clinton is blaming her primary defeat on the NRA and the fact they took her on a three-day "snipe hunt". "While Obama was raising 100-million dollars, I was left holding the bag."
Bin Laden Flashes The West
The CIA has received a copy of the latest bin Laden video showing the al-Qaeda leader doing the Macarena and flashing his ass. "He's just messing with our minds", stated one General.
A Fistful of Clint Eastwood
Clint Eastwood has signed on to reprise his role in the 60's movie "A Fistful of Dollars." The sequel is called, "A Fistful of Metamucil."
'Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain'
Songwriter Jimmy Webb who wrote the Richard Harris hit 'MacArthur Park' has finally revealed who it was that left the cake out in the rain. Webb said that it was Martha Stewart.
A report out of Harlan, Kentucky say that hundreds of people have fled the area after a weather-balloon-shaped object mysteriously appeared in the sky last night.
Twice Their Normal Size
When asked if Dick Cheney had changed much since being V.P. for the past eight years, Lynne Chaney answered, "The only thing I've noticed is that his balls are twice their size."
Only Gay Man In Iran May Marry
Only gay man in Iran is seeking governments permission to marry the only gay man in Saudi Arabia. The only gay man in Syria would be best man.
Homeles Man Charged
Homeless man in California ordered to pay $101 million dollars for statrting last week's California fires asks warrent-server for a dollar for a cup of coffee.
Asking For Handouts
A quick poll conducted three days after Halloween shows that most kids who went through their neighborhoods asking for handouts were dressed as bankers and stockbrokers.
Eco In The Congo
Ecologists report that in the Congo, they are conducting an experiment with grapevines as an alternative means of transportation.
Cosmetic Factory Explodes
An explosion at a cosmetics factory in Trenton, New Jersey has left 54 woman and 16 men looking like cheap whores.
Important People Named
People Magazine says people are important when the public name things after them, like the JFK Airport, John Wayne Airport, Reagan Airport, The Larry Craig Airport Bathroom Stall, second on the right.
Charles Manson Update
Guards at Corcoran Prison say that a completely different voice has been coming from Charles Manson's cell since last Friday. "And it sounds really pissed."
Marriage Trouble Over Sex
The Dalai Lama told reporters yesterday that sex invariably spells trouble because of difficult relationships between two different individuals. He then went into a trance & spontaneously ejaculated.
Diffferent Presidential Laps
Barack Obama says he still wants to use his laptop when he takes his seat in the Oval Office. On the other hand, President Bush had kept his lapdog there and President Clinton kept his own lapdancer.
Tuesday Night's Hardest Job
The hardest job at Republican headquarters Tuesday night was being chosen to awaken John McCain at 11:10 P.M. and tell him he'd lost. "It's Ok", stated McCain, "I had to go to the bathroom anyway."
John McCain's DNA evidence that he "was not Bush" arrives three days too late.
Polygamist Sentence Request
A polygamist in Texas has pleaded guilty to 37 counts of bigamy. His only request is that he be placed in a cell with several cellmates.
Pentagon Needs More Money
When the Pentagon asked congress for the approval of another one billion dollars Friday morning, they said that it was for the Iraq War effort, gasoline and groceries.
Obama Thanking Helpers
Those close to President-Elect Barack Obama say he spent all of last Wednesday contacting those most-instrumental in getting him elected, begining with President Bush.
President Bush says he is looking forward to meeting Barack Obama this week. "Yes, I'm doing my best to make it a smooth translation", stated the President.
Bi-Polar Club At It Again
In Alaska yesterday, the Bi-Polar Club jumped into freezing water in their bathing suits and then quickly ran for their hot tubs. Then they ran back into the icy waters and back again to the hot tubs.
Kim Jong il Ill
North Korea has finally announced that Kim Jong Il is having health problems. "He's totally paralyzed from the neck up", stated one insider.
Rich Little Miley Cyru$
Miley Cyrus has told her manager that she wants to increase her father's allowance.
Happy Birthday To Barbara Walters
Barbara Walters insists everyone on the 'View' is happy. The 'girls' gave her a cake for her 90th birthday. Instantly Whoppi Goldberg and Joy Behar slammed Elisabeth Hasselbeck's face into the cake.
The 2009 Chinese 'Car'
China has just revealed plans to build their own version of the Lexus. They plan to unveil the new 'Rexus' in April of 2009.
"Look It's Godzirra"
Paramount Pictures will be making a remake of the film 'Godzilla.' Producers promise that this time, they will synchronize the screams of the Japanese people with their mouth movements.
The World's Sexiest Woman
Lingerie model Karolina Kurkova has been voted the world's sexiest woman. Runner-up Angelina Jolie remarked, "Big deal, I have way more tattoos than she does."
A Full-Figured Meteor
Canadian scientists report seeing one of the decades largest meteors. A planetary scientist was asked to describe it, "Gosh, it was gigantic! It looked like Kirstie Alley in a bright orange dress."
According to British scientists human transplant organs from pigs are only 3-5 years away. Porkers with heart problems were encouraged to try to hang in there for another 36 months or so.
Obama Family Pilgramage
Although Barack Obama and his family aren't Muslim, they say they will be making their own pilgramage every year to visit and gaze upon the Oprah.
Free Viagra In Mexico
Mexico City is giving away free Viagra pills to everyone over 70. U.S./Mexican border backed up with wheelchairs, scooters and golf carts.
Voting Problems In Florida Again
According to newspapers in Florida, voters there yesterday were still having problems, even before voting. Instead of standing in line, many were walking around in circles.
Playboy Finances New Telescope
Hugh Hefner announced this morning that Playboy Magazine Inc, will finance the lauching of the new Hubba Hubba Telescope into space.
Now Own Bigger Penis
Not only TV and Newspaper ads are down, there's much less spam advertising on the Internet. Experts blame the internet loss on the fact that 90% of all males now own a 10-inch penis.
Obama's First Official Act
A close friend says that Barack Obama will begin his presidential acceptance speech in January with "a little number made famous by the late Sammy Davis Jr."
Switzerland's Tourism To Increase 1,000 Per Cent
Switzerland is pioneering a program that will provide prescription heroin. You can hear it now, "Honey run down to the drugstore and pick up a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and some heroin."
New Zealand scientists find a species of penguin (Waitaha) that had disappeared 500 years ago. One scientist remarked, "Well it's really not a big deal. These penguins are just fantastic 'hiders.'"
Like Clark Kent and Superman
Ann Coulter is like Sean Hannity in a dress. And Sean Hannity is like Ann Coulter, but with not as much armpit hair.
Bush To Inform Obama
President Bush says he will meet Barack Obama early this week. "I especially want to tell him who Cneney says are the b-a-d people and the g-o-o-d people are."
Anthropologists searching the Rain Forest in Brazil were amazed yesterday when they discovered a lost tribe that spoke mostly Yiddish.
A more radical southern group has split with the Hare Krishna faith over two major differences. The new group has changed into overalls and are wearing mullets.
"Suck My Anthrax!"
The Mormon Church is blaming a powder hoax on gay activists after receiving powder in the mail. "It was the note with it's 'Suck my anthrax, pretty boy', that gave it away" stated a church spokesman.
Barack Selecting High Positions
Barack Obama is getting his list together for leading cabinet positions. But, so far, the names of Simon Peter and Judas Iscariot are the only ones that have leaked out.
Lifesized Female Doll Recalled
The new Japanese life-like female " Robot For The Lonely Man" is being recalled for loose nuts, bolts, boobs and morals. However, none have been returned as yet.
The Brand New Pyramid
Archaeologists have just discovered a new pyramid near Cairo, Egypt. And although the structure is 4,300 years old, the archaeologists reported that it still had that 'new pyramid' smell.
Clinton Offers To Shave Head
Bill Clinton has offered to shave his head and act as Obama White House dog if only Obama would name Hillary new Secretary of State and send her on the road most of the year.
Teen Never Wants To See Another Barn Owl
A Wyoming teen, doing a school project on why so many barn owls were ran over by cars of late, was ran over by a car late last night while being chased by a barn owl.
The Obamas They Are A-Changing
Backers of Barack Obama are already trying hard to create a new slogan for the 2012 race. Thus far, "Whooooooooo's Changing?" and "Got Change?" are the leading two.
Another Bush Turkey Pardoned
President Bush has not only pardoned 14 convicts but has now pardoned the official White House turkey. This was the first official White House turkey he has pardoned since Scooter Libby.
The Rolling Stones just keep on rolling
Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger has said that lately he has been feeling somewhat depressed. He told a reporter for the BBC, "I just can't seem to get no satisfaction."
A-Rod and His Turkeys
New York Yankees star A-Rod had a turkey dinner with his ex-wife on Thanksgiving day and then later he visited Madonna. So A-Rod went from having turkey to visiting a turkey.
Britney Spears Take Two
Britney Spears has been signed to play the lead in 'The Britney Spears Story.' An inside source said that Madonna has been signed to play her mother and her father.
Senator Chris Matthews?
MSNBC talk show host Chris Matthews is denying that he wants to be a senator. Meanwhile over at Fox News Sean Hannity is denying that he wants to be emperor.
The First Lady's First Book
First Lady Laura Bush has written a book. It will include sketches of what her husband thought the weapons of mass destruction looked like. The book is titled, "My Life With Old You Know Who."
So far President Bush has issued 87,931 presidential pardons. Ex-major league pitcher Roger Clemens called him up and asked, "Hey George, where's mine?"
Pelosi's Gambling Face
Washington Insiders advise newly elected representatives never to gamble with Nancy Pelosi. Whether she's holding a pair of deuces or her dress in on fire, her face has the same expression.
Compound W Raided
Several Texas Rangers who raided the Compound W Factory last Spring over illegal immigrants are suffering from Horny Toad Syndrome.
Jehinslamstianist Sues Micky D
An employee for McDonalds, who claims he is a "Jehinslamstianist", is suing the company for not allowing him to be off work with pay during his 97 annual Holy Days.
Return Visit To Amazon
In a return visit to the Amazon, scientists were surprised to find that the lost tribe they had discovered three years ago not only have electricity but also a Harrahs Casino.
Pirates Capture "Little Buddy"
Pirates off the coast of Somalia report the capture of seven castaways from a desert isle and for someone to come get them. One called "Little Buddy" has already somehow sank one of their ships.
A Las Vegas prostitute has reported seeing a dildo-shaped UFO craft hovering over that city in the early hours of Friday morning.
In Georgetown, S.C., a Frito Lays truck had to swerve to miss a sudden turning car in front and ran head-on into another Frito Lays truck. However, both 300-pounders are said to be doing fine.
Naked Man In S.F.
In San Francisco, California, a naked man who claimed he was taking a shower when an earth tremor shook the building he was visiting, still had on his socks.
A Must Gift
The Sears Company is hoping to raise it's sinking stock by announcing that it will have its new hybrid-microwave oven out just in time for Christmas.
Bush Pardons Self
President Bush says that he may pardon several people before leaving office, including himself, for his indiscretions at the July 4th John McCain Baked Bean Fundraiser.
The Sounds of Rice
Contrary to published reports, Condoleezza Rice has said that she will not be joining the Spice Girls as 'Rice Spice.'
Sacha Baron Cohen's Next Assignment - Hey Bruno Got Balls?
Sacha Baron Cohen (alias Bruno) has disrupted a fashion show, a proposition 8 rally, and the NBC TV show 'Medium.' Okay big guy. Your next assignment...go disrupt a KKK meeting!
Dwarfs Cut By Disney
Economic problems are now hitting both Disney World and Disneyland. Goofy's hours cut, Three of Seven Dwarfs no longer singing "Hi HO!"
Bryd Hands Over Chair
90-year-old Senator Byrd, asked in a loud voice to hand over his committee chairmanship to a younger man yesterday, stated, "Sure. I had no idea I was sitting in it."
New Bush Poll
A new poll shows that President Bush has been the most giving president our country has ever had. As of last Wednesday, headaches were down nearly 50%.
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