Spoof news snippets from June 2008
There were 68 spoof news snippets published in June 2008. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Archaeologists today unwrapped what they mistakenly thought to be a mummy at the Wimbledon Tennis Championships. Sadly, it turned out to be Spanish ace Rafael Nadal. Nobody was available for comment.
James Bond goes to Hospital
Actor David Craig who plays British Secret Agent, James Bond has been seriously injured while filming the latest movie. He was admitted to hospital today but was discharged later. The name of the latest movie is...CUTFINGER.
Mugabe tells truth
Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe has accused the world's media of lyig about the attrocities carried out by his supporters on his opponents. HOWEVER, TheSpoof.com is the only reliable source.
"Who wants to be a Zillionaire?"
Zimbabwe TV has been inundated with hopefuls wanting to get on their new popular quiz show "Who wants to be a Zillionaire?" in the hope of being able to buy a packet of crisps.
Tsvangarai in competion with Pete Doherty
Zimbabwe's Morgan Tsvangirai, leader of the Movement for Democratic Change, is trying to beat Pete Doherty for the record number of times of being arrested and then let go. Tsvangarai 6 Doherty 18
Honorary Knighthoood Stripped
Robert Mugabe was pleased to lose his honorary knighthood yesterday as he no longer wanted to be asssociated with Great Britain - the Colonial Oppressors who have ruined his country. "He remarked "Am I bovvered? I would rather have an ASBO instead"
Robert Mugabe Not caught red-handed!
Following the elections in Zimbabwe today, ZANU PF milita are going to beat anyone who did not vote. They are identified because they have hands that are not dyed with red ink. Although Robert Mugabe did vote, he had NO red dye on his hands and therefore beat himself up in front of TV cameras.
Smug Mugabe angers Geldoff
It can be revealed that Sir Bob Geldoff is not amused by Zimbabwe President,Robert Mugabe's plans to hold a 'Banned Aid' concert with no musicians.
Thief in Telford
A 18 year-old Telford youth escaped a jail sentence for shoplifting, today, after his doctor reported that he was indeed a Kleptomaniac, but was now taking something for it.
Mandela to be jailed again
London police caught Nelson Mandela doing 90 in Hyde Park today. He is expected to face another jail term, if found guilty.
Petrol Crisis: Latest
Petrol stations worldwide, will start showing PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time as you do.
Global Warming affects vegetable growers
Global warming has seriously affected this year's vegetable growers. Worcestershire farmer Old McDonald, 76, from Ombersley reports; "My crop of iceberg lettuce are 33% smaller than this time last year!"
Lettuce is main cause of global warming
NASA scientists say that a particular variety of lettuce; 'Rocket', is the main cause of ozone depletion.
The Great London Flop!
According to Unversity hospital, London's first sperm bank turned out to be a complete disaster. There were only two potential donors -- one missed the tube and the other came on the bus.
Wimbledon Latest: Andy Murray smiles
Tennis Ace, Andy Murray, briefly smiled today after beating German Tommy Haas 3 sets to one. He was heard to say; "Don't mention the war!"
Andy Murray to pull out of Wimbledon
Scottish tennis ace, Andy Murray, will not be playing at Wimbledon this year as he is unable to thumb a lift to the UK Lawn Tennis Championships.
Scientists have discovered that freezer bags are in fact MALE. This is because they hold everything in and you can see right through them.
Australian Censor Machine Breaks Down Under Strain
Gordon Ramsay's 'Kitchen Nightmares' will no longer be shown on Australian TV networks because the bleeper to blank the 'expletives' has broken down and is only designed to be used a frequency of 10 times per minute. TV bosses are hoping to find an upgraded model.
Arthur Scargill, leader of the NUM (National Union of Miners) is 72 today. Coincidently, Morris Minor, a car is 60 today. Congratulations!
When Harry Gusset was married today in Hull, England to his pregnant girlfriend, Sharon, little did anyone realise that his father-in-law had threatened to blow his tadger away with a 12-bore shotgun. In a contemplative mood, Harry said "It was just one of those wife or death situations!"
News fom Chester
A zookeeper at Chester Zoo was having trouble with the birds in the aviary there. It has been discovered that he was suffering from a bad owl movement.
Dundee faces influx of new homebuyers
Dundee Council, who have offered a £150 voucher for those who quit smoking, are now inudated with ex-smokers who want to buy homes there. Not being able to afford the homes, the Council have opened a new deprived area there.
The cockle beds in South Wales have mysteriously died as a result of sewage contamination. However, Spoofwriter, Simon Cockle from Beds is alive and well, so says his mother who uses copious amounts of Dettol and Toilet Duck.
Man caught having 13 in a Volvo
A man was caught by North Wales police for having 13 in his Volvo. South Wales police caught another man having 69 another Volvo; same model but a different colour.
Tower to get clock
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the leaning tower of Pisa. The Mayor of Pisa said; "What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?"
Travellers in France warned of new disease
Doctors have warned tourists to be careful of what they eat when traveling in France. They could get 'Lautrec's revenge' A condition where the bowels get "Toulouse."
Alaming Rise in Abortions in Teenage Girls
Doctors are alarmed by the increase in abortions carried out in teenage girls in Britain. There has been a 10% increase with some 4,397 abortions carried out. However the abortion rate in boys remains at 0%. This shows that boys remain substantially 'better' than girls.
Wi-Fi first from BT
BT announced their first Wi-Fi station on the moon today. Cost a fortune to get it there, but few users and great weather-free receptions promised.
Hitler did have only one ball
Archaeologists working at the Albert Hall today discovered a human testicle. Forensic tests are currently being carried out, but experts believe that the find proves the long held belief that Hitler was deficient in the gonad region.
NASA finds proof of water on Mars
Space agency predicts astronauts will collect enough of the precious fluid "to end droughts and irrigate deserts here on Earth..."
Earth's Twin Could be Found Soon
Let's hope that Earth's twin hasn't felt her pain or we'll be in trouble.
"You think you gotta keep me iced: you don't"
You think I'm gonna spend your cash: I won't. Even if you were broke, my love don't cost a thing. Think I wanna drive your Benz: I don't. If I wanna floss, I got my own. Even if you were broke, my love don't cost a thing.
Whats believed to be the original first page of the Bible was found today in Scunthorpe. The parchment has been translated revealing a disclaimer saying any relation to persons living or dead is coincidental.
Democrat Presidential Nomination Hypothermia
Never-Say-Die non-black, non-male, non-conformist Hillary Clinton's chances may be starting to improve as word has just been received from the Earth science community that Hell has started to freeze over.
Long One Silver!
Long John Silver's preserved body has been discovered in a peat bog in Surrey, England. The pirate's body sports a massive 15" penis, hence his name, Long John. Historians are amazed at the size of his tattooed member. It reaches down to the knee of his good leg!
Seven Dwarfs complain over Type-Casting
The Seven Dwarfs are to complain to the screen actors guild as they are unable to find alternative parts. Doc said: "It's so frustrating, nobody's interested. We have been type cast as seven dwarfs but we are serious actors who have so much more to give."
Bears in Yellowstone Park Threaten Strike Action.
Bears in Yellowstone Park are to strike over new rules regarding longer working hours. A spokesman said "the bears feel that they deserve a better deal, shorter hours is the first point we would like to discuss."
New Tribe discovered In Newcastle Wastelands!
A tribe of recently undiscovered people has been discovered in the wastelands of Newcastle Upon Tyne. The tribe, discovered by brave road sweepers who were sent to attempt to cleanse the vicinity, is believed to have been wiped out!
Iran Supreme Leader: Bush Behaves Like 'Mentally Ill'
Now, THAT'S definitely a case of the pot calling the kettle black!
Fish on fire!
It was claimed this week that fish have been found using fire to cook. They were seen by passers by sitting round a campfire drinking beer and cooking sausages in Nova Scotia.
Polar Bear And Man Successfully Breed!
A man has successfully mated with a fully grown female polar bear. The eskimo is said to be overjoyed with his new born little man cub. The polar bear has asked for privacy from the press.
US Defense Secretary fires Microsoft chairman
Bill Gates ordered to submit resignation due to a "gradual erosion of" operating system standards "and a lack of effective oversight" that ultimately led to the creation of Windows Vista...
British Economy prescribed Prozac
Doctors hoping to cure the economy of its current depression have recommended Prozac as an effective course of treatment. Carole Caplin, former advisor to Tony Blair has asked for a more holistic approach to be considered, namely St Johns Wort and a beating with a gorse bush.
Snow to be Banned in Britain!
Snow is to be banned due to the fact that its colour could be deemed as rascist. British Authorities have decided that Britain is multi cultural and the weather should be too.
Giant Tortoise Charged with Mass Murder!
A giant tortoise in Bulgaria is to be tried for murder following the discovery of 11 bodies at its apartment. The dismembered corpses were said to be of young men. A neighbour said: "He was a very friendly tortoise, this is a real surprise".
Bing Crosby was a Woman!
Bings Crosby's family claim he was really a woman called Veronica. Bongo, Congo and Mongo Crosby, Bings Hawaiian grandsons, claims that it was a well kept family secret. Now that the truth is out, Veronica can rest in peace" said Bongo. "God bless Auntie Veronica" said Wongo.
Brown to 'do a Mugabe'
Insiders say Gordon Brown is planning to shoot those who do not vote New Labour at next election. Drastic measures are needed says the beleaguered PM. Treasury doubts being able to fund cost of bullets.
Scientology in the News Again
Scientology protests escalated in Clearwater, FL yesterday. By day's end, however, over 200 of the 300 picketers converted to the church and turned the cameras on their former counterparts.
Things you can do in public.
It's ok to prick your finger, but you shouldn't finger your prick.
Petroleum spike calls congress to make it currency by 2010
Imagine buying groceries and the sales clerk tenders you out at $87.21 and you cordially pay the amount by whipping out an oil drum and pour it onto the counter. In the eye of the economic event horizon, in our generation of degeneration pretty much anything is viable.
Hilton Goes Down; IQ Up
Paris Hilton, 27, fainted just yesterday of a panic attack when she reportedly ran out of 'Sex Kitten Pink' nail polish. For a brief moment, the US's average IQ went up 2%!
IOC picks Chicago as 2016 Olympics finalist city
Apparently the USA's strategy is for the other countries to get shot.
Disney Sues Vanity Fair
"Find your own teenager to exploit, this Miley is ours!" Disney executive says.
'Gay-B-Gone' Cure for Gayness Discovered!
Virginia scientist, Charles Freedman, has discovered the cure for 'gayness'. Using a formula similar to his Catnip Paste, Freedman developed a 'Gay-B-Gone' paste that homosexters can use to put a stop to their 'nature-defying' lifestyle.
McCain chooses his running mate
(Faux news) Rep. presidential candidate John McCain, one-upping the possible pairing of Obama-Clinton has chosen former first lady Nancy Reagan for the vice-president slot.
Oil Executive Dies, Goes to Hell
Howie Cheatham, CEO of Assrape Oil Corporation, suffered a massive heart attack and died on Monday. He then went straight to hell, where he is burning for all eternity.
Statistics Show That 5 out of 5 People Will Die In Their Lifetime!
You read that right! Have all the sex you can, now, and eat tons of chocolate before you leave this Earth.
Miley and Thomas break up!
This just in - Debbie Greene reported that Miley Cyrus and Thomas Sturges are no longer together, "For Confidential Reasons," Tish reports!
2008 Election Update: RNC Canceled
Due to a "growing lack of interest" in the Republican party's prime candidate, they announced that this year's Republican National Convention has been canceled. "Unless of course there is a public outcry," a party spokesperson stated. "So far - nothing."
Google News Goofs Stories
Google News erroneously referenced all its news articles to TheSpoof.com today. Said TheSpoof.com: "Our switchboards lit up by the panicked public. As a measure to lighten up the matter, we are telling everyone yes - all our stories are true."
Northern lights drifting
Everything associated with the north is falling apart. It began with northern Rock,then the north pole and now the northern lights have been seen in the east. Scientists estimate that the north will have vanished within ten years.
Perfumed Toilet Paper Preferred Cause of Cancer
The Surgeon General has just released its new finding that cancer is good for your health. In the wake of this announcement, the office adds, "Use of perfumed toilet paper is now recommended."
Pharmaceutical Ads Regulated
Medication ads are facing new governing. Since overdosing on even aspirin can be fatal, most disclaimers that list "headaches, dizziness, nausea..." as side affects will now include "...and of course death".
Obama Challenges McCain to Shoot-out
In honor of the recent Supreme Court decision that banning handguns is unconstitutional, Barack Obama calls on John McCain to a shoot-out. McCain has not replied however sources say he has looked into obtaining permits along Pennsylvania Avenue.
Tom Cruise Suffering "Unrelenting Headache"
Inside sources say that Tom Cruise is suffering a headache that "refuses to go away". Paranoid wife Katie reportedly asks Tom, "Is it me?" Mr. Cruise is requesting the Scientology Church let him take "just two aspirin", a request as often denied as it is asked, resources say.
Penn State Inmates Go Green
A group of inmates in Pennsylvania have organized a prison-wide eco campaign. They call upon their fellow felons to effort such things as recycling toilet paper and flipping the switch, hours before lights out.
Misguiding GPS Leads to Death
A California business woman met her death following verbal instructions of a fouled GPS system. Headed to a Beverly Hills meeting, she was found killed in her rented Mercedes, located in a gang-ridden area of the city. The voice of the mechanism insisted, "You have arrived at your destination."
Spoof Reporter Assaulted by Mcconaughey
A field reporter for The Spoof! was attacked by an angry Matthew Mcconaughey as he ripped the reporter's camera from his grip. The celebrity accused the writer of "authoring untrue stories" while the reporter insisted he was only trying to get a photo of "the real actor" behind him.