Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 30 January 2008
Air Canada Blames the Leafs
An Air Canada flight made an emergency landing in Shannon, Ireland, after the co-pilot started shouting and invoking the Toronto Maple Leafs for not winning the Stanley Cup in 40 years. An Irish priest promised he'd work with the team to exorcise this evil.
John Edwards Drops Pres Bid
When asked why he didn't he do better, Edwards said, "I don't think the country is ready yet for the first left handed President."
John Edwards announces intention to quit presidential race
As few knew the former senator was actually in the race, the news startled campaign flunkies throughout the US. The subsequent rush to obtain information overwhelmed Google, causing a worldwide shutdown - a problem normally only following Rosie O'Donnell sightings.
'Mr Bean' Makes Fine Booties
Well-wishers gathered at a hospital in the West End of London as Gordon Brown underwent his ninth face lift. Hospital bosses plan to make a dozen pairs of cowboy boots with the excess skin from both his front and rear faces.
Home Fitness Horror
A Mexican man is recovering in Tijuana hospital after the control unit on his electric buttock stretcher failed, causing severe chafing to his upper thighs.
Thatcher Obessives get Charity Grant
A new charity for people who blame former British premier Margaret Thatcher for their dull sex lives has won a £250,000 Lottery grant.
Mad Sheep Disease Threatens Australia
The impact of the copious amounts of beer consumed during Australia day is only now being realised. Not only are sheep losing clumps of wool, they're hiding whenever a ram shows up. The Bo-Peep mint sauce company is so concerned they are asking for Government assistance.
Percentage Breakdown of Mccain's Florida Primary Win
Early bird specialists(65), right turn, left turn signal on drivers(80), the whale printed pants hiked 6 inches above the navel guys(75), the adult diaper crowd (50), the erectile dysfunction 'boys' (56), the walker crowd (74), the denture adhesive set (67) and the dirty old men (90)