Spoof news snippets from February 2008
There were 103 spoof news snippets published in February 2008. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Derek Conway Joins protest Group
Disgraced Tory MP, Derek Conway has joined protest group 'Fathers 4 Justice' today. His first stunt will be to climb an electricity pylon dressed as 14th Century pin-up Lady Godiva. He still maintains "I've done nothing wrong"
New Credit Card to be launched
Following egg's crackdown on 'risky customers' they are offered the new 'bacon' card. Already a flop in Israel!
Air America Radio Explores "Broadcasting by Mail"
The Air America radio network has recently suggested that they cut costs by providing quality programming in the form of post cards sent to interested fans. In addition, the cards cost less to mail than a first class letter.
A government study has concluded that a people use approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day. You would never guess how many people were relieved to know that.
Released on Bail
A Manchester man who used to perform autopsies was arrested for taking home 157 pounds of human body parts. Magistrates did however relase him on bail. Bail was set at an arm and a leg.
Out for Count?
A violent fight broke out on Sesame Street on Saturday night. 'Bert & Ernie' drew blood and the resident 'Count' disappeared with them. 'Big Bird' kept the show going, while a search was arranged. They have now been found and are held in custardy before appearing before 'Judge Judy' on Friday.
Queen mudder expands
queen mudder, has been specializing in personal injury. She has seen the many cases of libel and plagarism on TheSpoof.com and has decided to branch out, so she has added libel claims to her practice. She wanted to add insult to injury.
A large pharmaceutical company developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit-forming
Invasion of the baby-snatchers:
Social workers targeting hard-up parents with £50 notes outside pubs, bars and bookies to put their babies up for adoption.
Murray: Why can't he beat good players?
Tennis player Andy Murray is to try and regain his form with a series of warm-up matches against a gerbil called Malcolm.
Guantanamo 'Holiday Inn Express' Revamps Image
(Guantanamo Bay Navy Base, Cuba) Staff at infamous 'Camp 7' put finishing touches on sign:"Welcome Platinum Club al-Qaeda Members". Defense lawyers turn down complimentary continental breakfast.
Soap "gets dirtier as you get cleaner"
Scientist have discovered that soap works by taking the dirt from your body and storing it inside a hole in the bar. Breaking open bars of soap, scientist discovered colonies of bacteria strong enough to wipe out entire cities. Or something.
Red sky at night "shepherd's delight"
A comprehensive study of weather patterns over the last 300 million years has conclusively proved that shepherds are genuinely "delighted" by red skies at night. This "delight" ranged from playful smiles to sexual arousal.
Fruit "too fruity"
Consumers want fruit to be "less fruity" and more savoury, a new survey suggests. "People are fed up with oranges that taste of fruit," said Steve Human-Garbage, a spokesman for WalMart, "they want more exciting flavours like barbecued pork...or tagines".
Vacuum cleaner horror
A Droitwich man is recovering in hospital after he used a vacuum cleaner as a masturbatory device. Doctors have operated to remove a testicle which was lodged half way up the shaft of his penis.
Mills leg shock
Former Beatle wife Heather Mills is to cut off her good leg with a hacksaw live on TV in an attempt to win sympathy from the British public.
Scouser's Ticket on Thatcher Express
A new bus service is being planned through Liverpool to help people who blame former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher for life's woes to 'get out and about a bit more.'
Horrific accident in mime show
World famous Australian mime artist Jason Blue is to have a carriage clock removed from his anus after he slipped on stage during his human depiction 'The Passage of Time' at the Sidney Opera House.
Missing link is "the Missing Link"
Scientists have identified a small semi-circular piece of metal as the "Missing Link". The search, that has occupied the scientific community for many centuries, means that they can now piece together the "chain" that has puzzled them for so long.
Fridge magnets "are not attractive"
A new report has suggested that fridge magnets "do not attract humans". "They are not wanted," said Professor Dusty Folds of Harvard. They are, however, attracted to fridges, the report concludes.
"Quantum of Shoelace" not new Bond film
Confusion over the title of the new Bond film "Quality of Sallies" has led to calls for it to be changed. Barbara Brocoli, the film's producer says: "'Quedam of Choc-Ice' will not have a new title, I can assure you of that".
Give non-ethnic muggers a chance pleads laughless comic
Titterless comic Lennie Henry has pleaded for 'affirmative action' to give for white muggers a chance in south London.
End to Computer Spamming
The world's computer spammers will stop sending junk email from 12am tonight after admitting no-one was interested in their products or services.
Sales of Gillian McKeith's new book 'Going through the motions' have rocketed in the past week. She is said to be flushed with success.
Hillary Survival Strategy Has Nabisco Worried
The She-Clinton will adopt the "Reverse Oreo Effect" to lure black fence-sitters to her camp, claiming she's really black on the inside and white on the outside.
Fayed: Beam me up Scottie
Mohammed Fayed and his barrister Michael Mansfield, QC will seek a ruling on Princess Diana's death from a jury on Venus after they were laughed out of the High Court.
Murray: Rocket feet plan
Tennis failure Andy Murray is to test a controversial pair of jet boots known as 'McBlasters' in a bid to enable him to beat a quality player
Hillary Clinton has already begun to advertise for a cadre of male pages and interns on Craig's List.
Sucking on Toy Actual Cause of Ledger Death
News sources close to the NYC Coroner's office claim the actual cause of Heath Ledger's death was from continued sucking on a child's toy made in China coated in lead-paint. It was first apparent when technicians kept dropping the body due to the heavy metal content.
Pizza Causes Hemorrhoids
Pizzas, especially those with mixed meats, are causing a World epidemic of severe hemorrhoids. With every third patient, a digital check of the rectum has resulted in extraction of a full slice of pepperoni. Pizza makers are referring to these reports as coming from 'asshole MDs'.
McCain accuses Huckabee of being a scatological liar
"You just have to listen to the crap he says."
Cuba names new president: Raul Castro's mechanic's flatmate
Cuba's National Assembly today named Jose Jimenez, Fidel Castro's younger brother's mechanic's flatmate, as the country's new president.
Former president Richard Nixon rose from the dead today to challenge McCain: "Even I could beat Obama!"
Former U.S. President Richard Nixon rose from the dead today in bid to challenge likely Republican presidential nominee John McCain, claiming, "Even I could beat Obama!"
Putin Channels Krushchev's Ghost
It has been revealed that Vladimir Putin, in a secretly organised seance, made contact with dead Socialist leader Nikita Sergeyevich Khrushchev. 'Channeling' the Soviet Socialist's spirit, Putin is now making a bid to restore Kremlin supremacy in Russia.
The Ledger on Ledger
The NYC medical examiner has released the generic names of what killed Heath Ledger as: diazepam, temazepam, hydrocodone, alprazolam, doxylamine, marzipan, tim tam, oxycodone, bobsyruncle and saynomore. There was no evidence of spanking the monkey.
Recent Waterboarding Score
CIA 3 vs Ted Kennedy 1
Canadians Pissed At Mexican Entry Into U.S. And Freebees
Ottawa has sent an official letter to President Bush asking why Mexicans freely cross the U.S./Mexican border and get everything gratis once in the U.S. "We, as fellow NAFTA partners expect similar," said Stephen Harper, Prime Minister. Bush, pondered a minute, then said, "Who is that guy?"
Reconstructed Humpty Dumpty Succumbs To Another Fall
The broken egg guy, Humpty Dumpty, recently repaired, has fallen again from a low wall in his fancy New York City co-op! He's been worrying about his chicken-farm investments if Hillary, Obama, or McCain becomes President. He blared, "These rejects aren't all that they're cracked up to be!"
Obama Gains Stength By Throwing Darts at Hillary
Everywhere Obama goes, also goes a dartboard of Hillary Clinton 4 feet in diameter. Sources within the Obama camp say that their man "darts up" before any primary or debate with his rival. And, he has 3 favorite target spots on the board, but these were not revealed!
Sex-Crazed U.S. High School Teachers Form Union To Educate Young Men
40 U.S. female high school teachers in their 20s have seduced male students, only to end up in prison. No male student complains. So female teachers have formed a union, declaring their right to teach actual sex and anywhere, even on their living room sofas!
Castro To Open Castro Gambling Casinos and Restore Cuba To Greatness!
He was the master of Cuba for 48 years, but crafty Fidel will open 25 casinos modeled on Las Vegas. "It's time to screw Communism! I'm going to restore Havana to its former glory! Slots, roulette, craps, and prostitutes - we can compete with Vegas!"
Macca court battle
Sir Paul Macartney left court smiling today. "She hasn't got a leg to stand on" he said.
Lottery winner is dyslexic
Ryan Jones of Cardiff who won £23,462,172.04 on the national lottery was astonshed. "I picked 01,31,12,23,04 and 24," he said. "The winning numbers were 10,13,21,32,40 and 42!"
58 year old mother of 31 children says "It's time I got up"
Shergar's remains found
Over a quarter of a century on, the remains of racehorse Shergar has been found in woodland in Ireland. A single bullet hole in the skull have led local police to believe that it was suicide.
George W and The Spoof
George W bush has publicly announced that he now reads 'The Spoof' instead of The Washington Post. "It is more factual and I am in it a lot more" he said. Aw bless!
"Global Warming" to be auctioned
With the recent outbreak of polar bears shaving each others backs, the notion of "Global Warming" has become viably profitable. Environmentalists are to auction off the phrase "Global Warming," all proceeds going to all Ninja Convents for Great White Sharks.
Hip Hop waits patiently for the 2pacalypse
Los Angeles CA- Scores of fervent followers were admonished by seismologists to evacuate after several major 6.3 earthquakes but refused to leave claiming that it was merely the bass reverberating beyond 2pacs grave.
Blue whale gynecology a teenage fad?
It's the dawn of preadolescent chaos where facial tissues are rife with oil, prompting a draft mandating that all teenagers be rounded up and expedited to petroleum plants around the world while others spelunk through a blue whales vaginal cavern.
Life becomes more bizarre the closer one gets to the equator
National Geographic circumnavigate towards the equator to discover dogs that spin webs, venomous duck billed platypuses, flying manatees, stingrays, rabid corvettes, sock puppets, poison spitting cobras and hermaphroditic geese.
Word of the day
Harry: a militant name maimed with the framed correlation of being hirsute, hairy or dead end situation. Example: The hare harried the farmer with a harangue of varmint vernacular, badgering him until he burst into flames.
Child Psychology 101
If a child lies or misbehaves don't waste each others time telling them the story about the boy that cried wolf, they heard that one a thousand times. Tell them the story about the boy that cried hamster and woke up the next day as a hermaphrodite.
SAS Scrapping Selection
Due to lowered funds by the government the SAS are scrapping their infamous selection test. An SAS captain stated "anybody can join,whatever their gender,weight, eyesight e.t.c.". The captain has since been replaced by an 95 year old SAS veteran.
British Tourist Authority - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The British Tourist Authority ask the Americans traveling abroad in England request the services of an active translator and interpreter after the Britney Spears language misinterpretation in the USA.
Toyota to allow its name on all cars in 2009!
In deference for Toyota's killing the rest of the car industry, CEO Nakajima "Nak-Wasabi" Toyotamishi will allow any car manufacturer to "Toyota Emblem" their vehicles for one year only. Various VPs at Toyota are having "Nak" evaluated at Nippon Hospital For Wackoshimi.
McCain Angry Over NY Times' Affair Implication
Standing his ground, Senator John McCain lashed back at the NY Times today for its "below-the-belt shot at his ethics eight years ago with a lobbyist." Said McCain, "I did not have sex with that woman! At most, I accidentally brushed against her left booby!"
Moon Man says Destruction of Satellite a Hoax!
Neil Armstrong, first man on the Moon, called The National Enquirer today. "I must unburden myself. Moon landings, Mars Rovers, shooting down satellites, and other U.S. space feats are hoaxes. I cannot keep this secret any longer! Look in New Mexico and Arizona, that's all I can say."
America's Fanaticism With Germ Killing Having Opposite Effect
Furniture polishes, all-purpose cleaners and many other household products are now full of germicides. (Americans love killing, even on a microscopic level!) Overuse has caused germ resistance and now the chemical companies are scrambling for novel/safe germ killers.
Chanel Makes Bold Move and Adds Designer Condoms
"Beautiful People" carry bacteria, viruses, and parasites too. So, Chanel now offers a line of quality latex, designer condoms. They retail at $9.95 each and will stop most STDs, but, more importantly, smell nice and are embossed with the Chanel logo.
Bush Presidential Library Sited at Southern Methodist University, Dallas
Bush's legacy building will provide safe storage of coloring books; crayons; copy of "The Pet Goat" he was reading during the 9-11 attacks; and recordings of favorite speeches, appearances as guest English professor, and his many hours of cursing Osama bin Laden.
U.S.'s B-2 Stealth Bomber Crashes - Pilots Must Reimburse Government
A B-2 Stealth Bomber, each 1.2 billion U.S. dollars, crashed in Guam yesterday. The Air Force will make the two air jockeys pay for a replacement - and will have to work 6,000 years each to cover the loss.
McCain Relaxes In Bath With Cigar And Rubber Duckies
As John McCain fights the battle to become the 44th President of the U.S., he is constantly stressed, trying, especially, to talk as fast and as loudly as Obama and Hillary. Solution: A relaxing daily bath with a big fat cigar and the three rubber duckies of his early years.
Porn Star dies
Scottish porn star Wayne Kerr has died from friction burns.
Muzzled And Leash Trained, "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Is Barking Again!
Duane "Dog" Chapman is returning to TV after his show was cancelled last year. "Dog" is set again to fetch those bad bail jumpers, starting this Spring. Good doggie! Now, go pee on a hydrant or a tree!
New, "Freakish" Animal Species Arrives At The Los Angeles Zoo
Last year, Kunga, a male Ugandan Lowland gorilla, was discovered mating with "Cathy," a "hottie" 30-year old zoo attendant. Zongo, a male, was born a month ago. The main controversy, however, centers around whether the progeny should be called a gorman or a humilla.
Met Office pay talks collapse
Meteorologists have forecast lightning strikes as pay talk agreements fail.
Tena Lady takes the piss.
Academy Awards: There Will Be Boredom
Every actor and actress in Hollywood despondent over the boring 80th Academy Awards Show accidentally overdosed on every prescription drug known to man. One aging actor was heard screaming, as he was wheeled into an LA emergency room: "No cleavage for old men."
Brother Raoul Castro Wants Fidel Off The Island ASAP!
Just "elected" 76-year old, Raoul Castro, wants his brother Fidel (81) off Cuba and moved to Vegas. Fidel wants gambling and prostitutes to restore the old hot Havana, a no-no with Raoul. Fidel now plans a "Bay of Pigs"-type invasion of his own island to deep six Raoul!
It has been confirmed that Albus Dumbledore is actually alive and well. He is now performing 'miracles' as a televison evangilist.
Daniel Radcliffe's Gay Fantasy
It has been stated by Mr. Radcliffe that he would go gay for one man and one man only.... Albert Einstein."I find intelligence sexy," he was heard saying.
After a very inactive twenty four hours there is, in fact, no news to report.
Queen Latifah Running for President
Queen Latifah has been reported in saying that she is running for President, "I would like to thank Clinton and Obama for paving the way. I would also like to thank Hannah Montanna for the inspiration. Now America can have an African-American Woman President"
Former Teamsters' Union boss Jimmy Hoffa resurfaces
Mob bullies react and quickly push him back under a new load of concrete.
"It's just a mask" says Kate Bush
In a shocking development, singer Kate Bush has revealed that she is in fact a extra-terrestrial being from Venus. "I am tired of living a lie, and I hope that my fans will accept the real me," she warbled today.
"It was an accident" admits Woof Around the Edges Brewery
Today, the CEO of the brewing company made the confession that a batch of their beer causes rabies. In an accidental mix-up, large rabid dogs were inadvertently introduced during the brewery's unique brewing process which uses dogs to give their beer a real earthy flavour.
No Olympics For Chad
The International Olympic Committee has decided not to consider Chad for the Summer Olympics of 2032 due to the current unrest.
Canadian PM Congratulates President of France
Stephen Harper, in his good wishes to Nicolas Sarkozy and Italian Carla Bruni on their recent nuptials said, "With your different nationalities, she'll give you a ciao, while, you give her a little oui oui."
Bill Clinton Gets His Rocks Off
In an angry fit, Bill Clinton threw a glass of ice at a reporter when he overheard him say that Hillary had a lot of gravitas and it was getting bigger. He later apologized, saying he mistook what the reporter said.
Did Mary-Kate Olsen pay for Heath Ledger?
Blockbuster, in a statement, said the late rental fee for the DVD Brokeback Mountain has been settled, but refused to say by whom.
Roy Orbison Estate Threatens Lawsuit against Clinton Campaign
Lawyers for the family of the late Roy Orbison have asked the hillaryclinton2008 to stop using the late singer's song Crying when she enters a forum to address a crowd. "We have given them permission to use The Great Pretender," said a spokesman.
Prince Andrew Attacks Bush
"Now you know why I left him," said Sarah Ferguson, adding, "at least I only sucked toes."
World beating a door to Gates
Because of the immense respect for the World's computer guru, Bill Gates, there is an ongoing mad rush to give all newborns the first name, Gates. Xianglu is becoming a distant second.
Steroid users now include five-year olds
In an expose in "Spilling Our Guts," magazine, it has been reported that five-year olds are doing steroids to attain "King of the Sandbox" status. The King muscles the others to shell out three cents a day.
Chinese scientist champions quality control
In a statement released yesterday in Beijing, Dr. Wu Han Wah, of Chemical China, revealed that all toxic coatings on toys sent to America will now meet the highest quality standards. Toxics in food products were not addressed.
Cell phone users losing ability to speak
A recently-completed study by the Telephone Yack Institute (TYI) indicates that chronic cell-phone users are only able to speak when on their phones. If not, they cannot utter a word. Instead, they find supreme joy in playing with their phones, as they would with a child's toy.
Putin goes Lennon
Ex-KGB agent and President of Russia, Vladimir Putin, is trying to "wake up" the citizens of his country. Yesterday, "Always Beatles Radio" went on the air. Putin wants to dump Lenin for Lennon. And, Putin's favorite Beatles' song? "Happiness Is a Warm Gun."
New BBC Costume Drama Axed
The costume drama 'High Tea' has been axed by the BBC before being transmitted. The first episode due to be shown tomorrow was pulled when the leading actress accidentally exploded on camera. A spokesman said: "She was standing too close to a naked flame."
Coroner: Ledger Took Enough Prescription Meds to Kill a Fat Man
New York - A medical examiner's report concludes that actor Heath Ledger died from a potent mix of medication that "would kill the likes of John Belushi, Chris Farley and Rush Limbaugh together".
In an upcoming TV interview, Ms. Clinton reveals that she picked up a bad habit of spitting when around Bill with his mouth full of Arkansas "chaw." Last week, she unconsciously "phlegmed" a man on the New York City subway and was fined $150. She claims she now has the habit under control.
Charles Manson Suing Marilyn
Claiming that his name has been stolen and used to sell music without any royalties, convicted cult murderer Charlie Manson has filed a $10 million lawsuit against alternative metal singer-musician Marilyn Manson. Said, Charlie, "See, the system can work!"
Trump Gives Chef The Boot!
"The Donald," outraged because of last night's meal prepared by his 15+ year Master Chef Louis, dumped him this morning. "You're Fired" could be heard by a deaf man! Louis had prepared Mulligan Stew, a Rosie O'Donnell favorite, which Trump refers to as "that wallowing fat piggy's slop."
Hillary, A Gas In The Tub
"GENTLY" magazine reports in its March issue that Hillary Clinton loves to take bubble baths with a toy aircraft carrier. "The ship makes her feel Presidential." And, she loves farts "burping" through the foam. She supposedly always has refried beans as part of breakfast.
Powell and Schwarzkopf Urged To Run As Dark Horses for President and Vice President
President Bush recently had secret talks with Colin Powell and Norman Schwarzkopf. Bush is urging McCain et al to step aside and let the big military boys go for it. On his knees, the President implored, "Only you ass kickers can clean up the mess I created!" Apparently, they left, open-minded.
Strip-Club Pole Reerected In New Firehouse
(FP) G-String Bar in Queens, NY closes. But, its brass pole was soon reerected in a new firehouse. The 20-footer quickly became a "treasure." Said one veteran, "Somehow, that unique smell is stuck in the brass and I feel like taking out a 5-spot everytime I make that slide."
Guyco Execs Mourn Loss Of Star Gecko
Tragedy struck during filming of the latest Guyco Gecko TV commercial at Gibney's Gators in Florida. A soundman accidentally knocked the obnoxious lizard into the open-mouthed gator, Gung-ho Charlie. In seconds, the 13-foot long reptile had finished his unexpected snack.
Bill, Hillary, and Monica Try To Break Bread Together, But Fail
Imagine makeup time between Hillary and Monica at Luigi's in Georgetown, reserved for just the three by Bill. Soon, Mr. Clinton was gone, while the two women went at it. Hillary suffered a broad facial scrape, before the Secret Service was able to stop the fracas, while engaged in riotous laughter.
Louisiana Purchase Treaty May Be Invalid-France Enraged
National Archives now saying the signature of the Louisiana Purchase Treaty's French rep, Barbé Marbois, is a blank space. France demanding return of the 828,000 square miles. President Bush responded with, "No way, Frenchy, but, I'll check with Cheney to see if we're prepared to start another war."
Rabbi's Research Leads To The "10 Lost Tribes Of Israel"
Joel Benzon was fascinated by the 10 lost tribes of Israel of the 12 total. As a rabbi, his 48 years of research have now identified 9 as being in the San Fernando Valley of California, near LA. The 10th is "The Tribe" (Cleveland Indians). Benzon's new book, "The Tribal Code," details all his work.
Mexico To Claim U.S. For Incorporation By 2022.-Many Americans Expected To Flee!
The huge daily influx of illegals from Mexico is now unstoppable...by 2022, over 200,000,000 strong and taking control of Congress. All this will lead to Mexico's claim on the U.S. "One Greater Mexico" will emerge and Spanish will be the official language. Many Americans are already leaving.