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Rahm Emanuel Called Back to Israel Service Due to Hamas War!

Reacting to Arab supporters and donors, Sec. of State Clinton declares him "an enemy combatant", and has Eric Holder issue Warrant for his arrest. Jesse Jackson appointed head of Hymie interrogation.

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
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Great White Attacks Obama in Hawaii Surf!

Secret Service says all is ok after 350 pound white female fan from Chicago was separated from President Elect. Luckily tentacle suction and bite marks shopped just short of his red speedo.

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
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Monica Lewinsky, Working Under the Table, says "She's Fed Up!"

The former Presidential marital aide to President Clinton, says the economy has hurt her too! The Devil in the Blue Dress claims her best clients are under financial stress, and can't "get it up!"

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
Rating:

Chrysler First of Big 3 to Harness Flatulence, Meet EPA requirements!

Chrysler announced the Premier of the Original Fart Mobile, though Ford said it had a prototype in the Granada, long on the Scrap heap. VP Biden demonstrated refueling : "even a caveman can do it!"

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
Rating:

New York Times Sues The Spoof Editor for Stealing Stories Without Attribution!

Sez Editor Mark Lawton, "You can't make this shit up! Our writers are always first with breaking political and celebrity news..then they claim they were the first with the Kennedy Vagina Story...BS!"

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
Rating:

NY Mayor Bends Over for Clintons on New year's Eve!

Wealthy Mayor Bloomberg, a Republican, turned independent, now Socialist, praises Clintons for World Wide accomplishments; gives them honor of Dropping the Ball at Times Square! Deja Vu for 2009?

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
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In Ultimate Sign of Disrespect, Hamas Shells Israel with Canned Spam!

Rejecting a world wide food offering from President Elect Obama, the "Magical Negro", Hamas returns donated food aid to US ally...with a bang. Terrorists say they can get 10 tins in 70mm mortar shell!

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
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Deaf,Dumb and Blind Caroline Kennedy Still Seeks Senate Post!

Dumber than dirt heiress says she can afford to buy a guide dog, solve her speech impediment and muddle her way through 2 years in Senate. Citing Obama, sez,"I can do 143 days standing on my head!"

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
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Say It Ain't So: NBA Investigates Obama for Steroid Use!

Following tabloid pix of his 6-pac abs, NBA drug investigators have issued an injunction against the President Elect, effectively banning him from any more "pick up" games at Chicago Area Schools!

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
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Barney Frank Admits to Breast Reduction!

House Banking Chairman vows to be a leaner, meaner Mortgage Queen in 2009! Rush Limbaugh is still laughing his ass off!

written by Morse, 31 December 2008
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Hamas Apologise to Israel

Hamas have apolised to Israel: "We're sorry for sending the rockets which were all timed to go off at midnight on New Year's Day for a massive party - Gaza '09 - still, we hope you enjoyed the show?!"

written by IN SEINE, 31 December 2008
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Constipation Strikes TheSpoof.com News Snippets

Weeks of accumulated sardonic roughage are expected to produce a news tsunami equaled only by the Reformation.

written by Aspartame Boy, 31 December 2008
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U.S. imports of Chinese milk skyrocket

Rumors that Chinese milk causes weight loss spurs U.S. imports despite reported side effects that include severe illness and death.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 December 2008
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Dollar Done, New Currency Annoucned

The new currency was to be the Amero. However, strong negative reactions have prompted a renaming after the popular President Elect: The Amerobama. Tuesday is the last day for the Dollar.

written by Aspartame Boy, 31 December 2008
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Comedians suffering "Bush fatigue"

Stand-up comics / comedy writers looking forward to inauguration of Obama, saying they need a rest after 8 years' relentless dogging of the current administration.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 December 2008
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Jerry Jones to play Monty Burns in live-action "Simpsons" movie

Dallas Cowboy's owner called "perfect for the part" by casting, who added, "He's creepier than Burns, and almost as rich and old."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 December 2008
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Afghanistan produces bumper crop of dirt, rocks

A rare instance of good fortune for the troubled country - Afghanistan's farmers produced more dust, dirt and rocks this year per capita than ever before.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 December 2008
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Throwing up continues to rise in popularity

...accompanied by a peculiar trend of purchasing exercise equipment and gym memberships without using them. Experts believe the trends to be related.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 December 2008
Rating:

Blagojevich ignores waiter's recommendation, orders poached Salmon

Rick di Martini was "very disappointed" Blagojevich ignored his recommendation to try the beef tips with asparagus. Blagojevich insists he's "done nothing wrong," and will order what he pleases.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 31 December 2008
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Thongs Snatched New Year's Eve

Beaver, OR -According to Detective Mike Litoris, "someone, looking for crack money", stole 377 thongs from 'Thing a Thong Lingerie'. "The skid marks will help us in fingering this perp,"added Litoris.

written by JAB, 31 December 2008
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Aspartame the Butt of Jokes

Aspartame has become the butt of many jokes. Asspirations of asstronomers on asspirators drinking aspartame viewing asstorids have been assimilated, asssuredly. Aspartame. What genius named THAT.

written by Aspartame Boy, 31 December 2008
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Paulson and Bernanke Buy Mercenaries

With all the money in the world, and then some, Hanky and Benny are buying mercenaries to take over the world.

written by Aspartame Boy, 31 December 2008
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Iraq shoe thrower trial Put Off

Officials want to wait for his smashed fingers to heal enough to be able to tie his shoes, well.

written by Aspartame Boy, 31 December 2008
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