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Rating:

Vaseline Workers Protest

Angry workers who manufacture Vaseline, have coated TV news cameramen's with the petroleum jelly after being laid-off due to the economic downnturn. Police believe it is just a smear campaign.

written by IN SEINE, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Federal Reserve Recalls All Notes

The Federal Reserve has recalled all notes it has issued: Ones, Tens, and so forth. They were just loans. Now they are all needed back to invest in China. Please deliver to them your Post Office.

written by Aspartame Boy, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Pope's Gay Olive Branch

The pope has today apologised to the gay community for his pre-Christmas homophobic rant and readily admitted that on Christmas Day there is nothing he enjoys more than a good, thick German sausage.

written by Jonny Taff, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Madoff Under Mansion Arrest

Madoff still under mansion arrest for swindling people out of billions, wearing GPS solid gold, diamond-studded ankle bracelet so police can trace him should he leave mansion.

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

New Wonder Drug

Pharmacy Lab spokesman announces "Wheeeee! we've invented a new pill for depression! Yehah! Wahoo! Giddy Up! Giddy Up! Giddy Up! Look out Mama, Daddy's coming home with a sparkle in his eye!"

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Gore's Dire Warnings

Al Gore predicts more global warming disasters: M & M's will melt in their bags before they ever make it to you hands.

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Pothead In Trouble

A lifelong marijuana smoker since the Haight Asbury days has been diagnosed with cancer of the Inner Visions.

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

2009 Predictions Not Good

An early 2009 prediction says that stock prices will be down 20 percent in the coming year, pants at least by half an inch.

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Family Loses Entire Kitty

A nine and a half foot pet snake has swallowed a family's kitty. Apparently, the piggy bank with $1200 was mistaken by snake for the real thing. The $1200 was their entire savings.

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Gas Prices Lowered

A grateful nation cheers the lowering of the price of gas- as Beano cuts prices due to high sales with everyone eating more basic foods.

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

U.S.,- Vietnam Exchange

In an announcement from the Pentagon, the United States will return primitive artifacts to Vietnam in exchange for John McCain's original brain in a jar.

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Laptops In Stalls

Company saves thousands of dollars by placing laptop computers in bathroom stalls, extra underwear provided for those who forget to log off.

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Bush Accomplishment $74

Bush accomplishment #74: With over 100,000 homes sitting empty due to family bankruptcies, nation's homeless problems eased up.

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Peanut Allergy

Kid with peanuts allergy passes away over the holidays after watching "Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown".

written by Bureau, 28 December 2008
Rating:

National Dogging Day

The UK is to declare New Year's Eve a non-working National Dogging Day from 2008 on. Critics have lambasted the proposal saying it's too cold for any serious al fresco dogging until May or June.

written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Rating:

New US of A National Anthem

US President-elect Bar-rat O'Barmy's first intended official act in office is to change America's national anthem, Star-Spangled Banner, to the Kenyan "Kiss-wahili" aka "Kiss my Ass".

written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Two-ply problem for Zimbabwe

UN relief workers say Zimbabwe is now facing a crisis of unestimable proportions. The cholera epidemic is now affecting 90% of the population and the country has just run out of toilet paper.

written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Rating:

I'll drink to that !

Groups of UK youths canvassed, during Xmas binge boozing sessions, on the government's campaign to publicize the dangers of excess alcohol consumption agreed with a collective "We'll drink to that."

written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Ding Dong Dell: pussy in the well

In a reprise of the old nursery rhyme a horse that disappeared from a Yorkshire field has been found and rescued after falling into a disused well. A vet stated the animal was extremely thirsty.

written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Nurse found in Boot

A nurse in Scotland was found in a boot after she had been missing for several days. Police spokesman Jock McPlod told the media "She's a small lassie and it was a fairly large boot."

written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Rating:

'Hard on' Hum-Int gathering

CIA agents are supplying sexually-challenged / impotent Afghan warlords with the baby-blue virility-boosting drug Viagra in return for information on Taliban military activities.

written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Do your Homework

An Egyptian court has sentenced a schoolteacher to 300 hours of community service work for beating a pupil to death because he had not completed his homework on schedule.

written by Rusty, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Condition Discovered That Turns Conservatives Into Liberals

Called bankruptcy, it's got auto company execs, bank owners and Wall Street fat cats who normally revile government intervention in their business scrambling for handouts.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Dumb Blonde Hospitalized After Snorting Aspartame

She thought it was "diet coke."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Britney Spears Removes Top

Though she had to run hot water over it and eventually resort to a rubber glove, she was finally able to remove the stubborn lid from a jar of pickles.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 December 2008
Rating:

Aspartame Overdose?

A recent study indicates overexposure to Aspartame articles and snippets causes irritability, annoyance and understimulation of the cerebral cortex.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 December 2008
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