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Rating:

The Elephants Are Listening

A recent study states that elephants in the wild live longer than those in zoos. Hundreds of zoos throughout America have been put on alert to look out for possible elephant break-outs.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 December 2008
Rating:

KFC: We Have America's Cleanest Chicken Tenders

Three KFC female employees fired for taking a bath in a KFC sink. A spokesman said, "We at KFC pride ourselves in having the 'cleanest' employees in the fast food business...but this is ridiculous.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Cindy McCain & Sarah Palin (Mmmm-Mmmm)

The McCain-Palin Campaign sold an info-loaded Blackberry. The info included phone numbers, addresses, emails, Cindy McCain's bra size, and a photo of Sarah Palin's bikini line moose tattoo.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Three Moons Over America

Astrologists say that the full moon on Friday will be the biggest full moon of the year...followed real close by Kirstie Alley's and Oprah Winfrey's.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Economy worsens: a picture now only worth 820 words

Wholesale even lower.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Dyslexic Mine Worker Can't Get A Drink Anywhere In This Goddam Country

Boulder, Colorado: Dyslexic coal worker Ken Welsh hasn't had a beer since the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms pasted signs in front of his local stating 'No Minors Allowed In these Premises'.

written by Irish In America, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Recession! Online newspaper to lay off pixels, fonts.

How will this affect the paper industry?

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Armstrong to come out of relationship retirement

Give Crowe another shot.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Rumor mill destroyed by fire

Word on the street is the owner did it for the insurance money.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Feds accept counterfeiter's offer to bail them out

He receives immunity, everybody wins.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Mysterious crop rows baffle urbanites

How did they get there?

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Area woman still hopeful paid contractor will return to finish job

Optimism abounds.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Study confirms Cracker Barrel full of whites

Field studies confirm.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Driver who crossed double white line instantly transported to Oklahoma

Admits he deserved it.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Obama declines presidency

Says he didn't sign up for this train wreck.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Harley biker no longer enjoying the wind through his hair

May he rest in peace.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

McCain opens "Office of the President Reject"

Shares vision with reporter at first of many planned press conferences.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

CBS to replace evening news anchor with sexy-cute Japanese fembot

Couric unphased.

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Wedding crasher shows up for recession

Thought it was reception

written by Picwit Picayune, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Tiffany Store Takes Hit

Stocks took another nose dive on Wall Street today as a deer crashes through the glass window of Manhattan's Tiffany Store.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Mad Cow Warning

Scientists warn that the next wave of Mad Cow Disease could reach its tipping point!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Geraldo On Fox

Tonight on Fox, Geraldo asks: "That is it about geckos that make us want to purchase car insurance?"

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

NYC Herpes Up

A new study reveals that one in four New Yorkers has herpes. That's down from one in two at the last count, which didn't include illegal immigrants.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Starbucks Lowers Prices

Starbucks announced yesterday that their fourth quarter profits will fall by 75 percent. They immediately lowered their price of a regular cup of coffee to $4.00.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Most Irritating Phrases

Oxford has completed it's list of the most irritaining phrases. The top 3: "Fairly unique", "I, personally" and "Yes we can" making #1 and receiving the most votes since "Fonsie, sit on it" in 1975.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Astronaut Toolkit Returns

That tool kit the astronauts lost a few weeks back finally came to earth yesterday and hit that guy who's been struck by lightning seven times.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Saudi Captain Keel-Hauled

Saudi Arabia has joined the NATO countries in their naval mission as Somali pirates keel-haul the captain of a Saudi Oil Tanker, while awaiting ransom money.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Families Facing Hard Times

A new poll claims that the U.S. economy has reached the point where whole families are forced to eat at the same table at home and stay together on most evenings, for the first time since the fifties.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Obama Press Conference

President-elect Obama had another press conference today. He said he's been pretty regular lately with the new fiber plan but that his hemroids are worse, hence still another standup press conference.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Woman on water-only diet flushed down bog.

16 year-old Smegmadale couch spud Julie Slug weighed in at fifteen stones until going on a water only diet losing twelve stones in four weeks, yesterday flushed herself down the toilet by accident.

written by Rusty, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Madonna Blows £650,000 on Hotel Bill.

Super-Slapper Madonna blew £650,000 on a hotel bill for herself and tour crew for one weekend in Argentina. The Shitpit Towers hotel was recently bought by Paris Hilton STD Inc. for £500,000.

written by Rusty, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Barclay Sisters to Quit Sark

Spoiled brat Barclay sisters Miles and Giles are to pull business investments out of Sark in a fit of huff and pique after their pro-reform candidates were rejected in the island's recent elections.

written by Rusty, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Rooney Faces UEFA Probe

Man' United's Wayne Rooney is facing a UEFA probe. It is not yet certain where the probe will be inserted: down his throat or up his rear passage.

written by Rusty, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Half Price Woolworths Sale

With the 50% discount widely available at Woolworth Stores across the country, people are now pleased that they can afford more than a microgram of Pick'n'mix.

written by IainB, 12 December 2008
Rating:

FDA Protocologist Declared Incompetent

URANUS - Dr. Strangedeath was declared insane and devoid of any good protocols for determining the saftey of anything, including his - aspartame. He was sent to a proctologist for evaluation: HE NG

written by Aspartame Boy, 12 December 2008
Rating:

The Grecian Language Formula

The great Greek philosopher Aristotle's parents taught him to speak at the young age of two months. His first words were, "Hey guys, sorry but it's all Greek to me."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Ben Franklin - The King of Soul

The Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin has learned that she is a descendant of Ben Franklin. Aretha replied, "I knew it! Ever since I was a little girl I have always loved flying kites...and mints.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Bagoyobitch Found Stuffed With Aspartame

WINDY CITY - Bagoyobitch was found stuffed with aspartame, still alive, but smilling stupidly. When questione, he just said, "whaaaaaaaa".

written by Aspartame Boy, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Aspartame Found in Egyptian Mummies

EGYPT - Experts are mortified to discover aspartame in King Tut-tuts tomb. They are wondering if this could be the secret ingredient: not just in The New Croke, but also the Old Croke!

written by Aspartame Boy, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Hound News Labels O the Teflon dOn

O'Crybaby - Hound News can't see why crap does not stick to O. Clearly, they are flinging enough of it, mostly yellow.

written by Aspartame Boy, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Too Much HBO and HMO Equals HOBO

THE LAKES, Nevada - Too many bills, too many pills, too many movies and and too many smoothies are turning this town into a town of HOBOS - Hobos standing around eating 'twangy'.

written by Aspartame Boy, 12 December 2008
Rating:

Woolies Five N Ten Sold to Dollar Store

Woolie 5 N 10 cent has been sold to Dollar store for a 90 - 95% profit

written by Pointer, 12 December 2008
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