Spoof news snippets from December 2008
There were 968 spoof news snippets published in December 2008. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Gay Comic Dedicates Award To Celebrity Evil Slapper
Bespectacled, camp, comedian that I have never heard of, dedicated his 'comedy award',to Karen Matthews. Some people have predictably over-reacted and complained. Others don't give a shit.
Top 'Tart' gets fined!
A prostitute who works exclusively with lawyers, judges and policemen, has been found guilty of taking the law into her own hands...and mouth.
Dead Comedian Arthur Askey Dedicates His Award To Lucifer
Bespectacled, dead, short, comedian Arthur Askey, stunned crowds by dedicating his comedy award to the Devil. The prime minister said he was both 'disgusted' and 'horny' at Askey's antics.
Rudolph Hess Dedicates Comedy Award to Hitler
Inept Nazi Rudolph Hess, shocked crowds at the comedy awards, by dedicated his 'gong' to Adolph Hitler. A spokesman for the ceremony said Hess's comments were 'inappropriate'.
Karen Matthews Dedicates Comedy Award to Alan Carr
Rubbish mother and media demon, Karen Matthews dedicated her 'comedy mum of the year' award to Alan Carr. The audience were both 'shocked' and 'disgusted' at her dedication choice.
Should UK troops leave Iraq?
This is the dilemma facing Gordon Brown. Half of Brits say yes and half are simply too thick to know. Whereas all Iraqis say YES, and the sooner the better, and please take the Yanks with you.
Wayne Rooney look-alike
Asterisk Corset, accused of murdering a trainee accountant co-worker who taunted him about his likeness to Wayne Rooney, has been found not guilty by reason of justifiable homicide.
Bernie Madoff Bailed
Disgraced hedge fund manager Bernard Madoff, accused of a $50 billion fraud, was today released on $10 million bail which he paid to the NY court from his petty cash box.
John Wayne Gacy Tops The 'Baddest Clown Ever' List!
Captain Spaulding, Donald McRonald and Pennywise are fuming after Gacy topped the most evil clown list. McRonald said "My milk-shakes alone have killed millions more people than Gacy"
Santa recuperating after triple bypass
Ignoring repeated warnings to watch his diet, the jolly old elf loaded up on milk and cookies once again and suffered a massive coronary near the end of his deliveries. He's in stable condition.
Santa Strikes Back!
A man dressed as Santa Claus randomly opened fire from a sleigh at a Christmas party gathering near Los Angeles after he delivered gifts and found no mince pie or glass of sherry waiting for him.
Peter Falk To Return As 'Columbo'
Veteran crumpled actor is to return for a final series. Each week, the cop will try to resolve the mystery of the talent-free rich and famous. Jade, Posh and Paris star in first episode.
Bondage Kangaroo Gives Evidence Against Rolf Harris
Stylophone-playing Rolf Harris was in court yesterday. The Kangaroo he tied down, in his flat, circa 1963 gave evidence. Rod claims he was too 'AUSTRALIAN' & 'BEARDED' to harm the beast!
Deng Xiaoping surprise
Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, who hadn't said much during Politburo sessions since the late 1990's, was today discovered to actually be dead.
Jonathan Ross Will Be Made To Work For His Wages !
BBC Bosses claim Jonathan Ross, will NOW work for every penny you pay the BBC. He will be performing manual labour for every TV licence holder e.g cleaning windows, unblocking toilets...
Boomerang Finally Comes Back to Charlie Drake
Dead dwarf-man Charlie Drake, can finally rest in peace. His boomerang has finally returned after a 45 year absence. The boomerang said he intended to come back, but in his own time.
Nut Allergy Outbreak
NHS doctors are investigating why group of trainee psychologists were systematically stricken with anaphylaxis while visiting a Smegmadale Mental Institution yesterday.
Bishop rebukes Capitalism
The Bishop of Manchester has attacked the UK government for scandalously encouraging people to go into debt but praised the collapse of the God of Consumerism as people chopped up their credit cards.
Bailiff's Xmas Bonus
While the UK may be mired in the shallows of a deepening recession and the credit crunch tightens the spending belt, court bailiffs say they're having their busiest Christmas run-up on record.
Ringo Starr Lifts Fan-mail Ban, Hooray!
Cuddly, Beatle- Ringo Starr, has lifted his fan-mail ban. He put his October out-burst down to uncomfortable dentures and the removal of 'Last of The Summer Wine' from its regular slot!
At last night's World's Ugliest Slut competition finals in Las Vegas first prize was awarded to Donatella Versace, taking the title from Cherie Blair, for having a mouth like a burst radial tyre.
The Spammoth Cometh
Scientists at Hormel's Dead Animal research lab's have genetically-engineered a mammoth hybrid cross between a pig and an elephant whose processed flesh is a perfect match for luncheon meat.
Parking Fine paid on bog paper
A man who wrote out a cheque on crap wrap to pay his parking fine was told by magistrates they were not amused and ordered to stand in the corner until the court recessed.
Burglars get Barrister Info' Bonus.
Thieves who stole computer hard drives with barristers and prosecution witness details from the Bar Council's offices have reaped a Christmas crime bonanza by auctioning the info' package on E-Bay.
Tibet dissidents give China aggro'
Chinese police in Tibet have arrested hundreds at Lhasa markets for selling CD and MP3 format copies of anti-Chinese reactionary songs downloaded from the internet such as "China Sucks Big-Time"
Postmen cancel strike
UK postal workers were forced to call off a one-day strike after their Union ballot results failed to get delivered to Post Office management within the time limit.
Anarchists Snuff Ikea
UK police last night arrested Turbo Tatswiller leader of the Popular Front for the Abolition of Flatpack Furniture terrorist movement which recently bombed and burned Ikea's Warrington-based factory.
Crapper Rapper in Bat Offence Charge
UK Rapper Dizzee Rascal (aka Dildo Mills)is under investigation by police and the RSPCA for offences involving a bat. It is rumoured the charges are of an animal cruelty or sexual offence nature.
Fight the Good Fight
To mark the Season of Goodwill and the fallacy of Peace on Earth, God and Satan have agreed to a bare knuckle cage fight to finally settle their differences. Gouging and biting are allowed.
AsboMan gets one Himself
Nottingham's chief anti-social behaviour officer Richard Antbrain has been arrested, charged and bailed after being involved in an incident of "violent disorder".
Spoof writers expected to make up for lack of Obama scandals
With integrity finally arriving in the White House for first time in 28 years, boneheads expected to publish sufficient articles concerning imaginary wrongdoing to compensate.
Rawanda genocide chief jailed
Rawandan genocide culprit Theo Bagoshit was convicted of instigating the 1994 Tutsi genocide which killed billions and sentenced to 200 hours of community service in a 419 call centre.
UK consumer withdrawal symptoms
Emergency services are reporting mass cases of people wandering aimlessly in confused traumatised states going into analyptic shock after Tesco, Argos and Poundland shut down for the Xmas holiday.
New Hamas rockets strike Israel
New rocket fire by Hamas' Gaza Gangsters was reported today striking Israeli teritory. All the new rockets were severely damaged when they crashed into buildings and exploded
Tricky Dick's Nemesis Dies
Watergate Deep Throat super-grass, ex-FBI snitch Max Felt, was pronounced DOA yesterday at a California hospital after choking on something nasty.
Celebrity conspiracy theory double-act Mulder n Scully last night won first place in the X-Factor finals.
Ertha Katt passes away.
Feline American singer, dancer and actress Eartha Kitt who played Catwoman in the 1960's Batman series has died at the age of 81, after telling the press she had adored every minute of her nine lives.
Queen Liz roughs it for Xmas speech
The Queen is spending Xmas at a squat in Liverpool's dilapidated Kensington district as a gesture of goodwill and to display her ability to rough it with the rest of the recession-hit British public.
Euro worth more than Pound shock
UK tourists aghast that the Pound in recession is now worth less than the Euro and on a par with the Zimbabwe dollar, with a Warburton's toasty loaf now costing £40
Scottish National Party spaced out?
The SNP is calling for a Moray airbase to become Scotland's spaceport to launch kilt-clad Jockonaut astro-tourists into orbit in their new haggis-powered Caledonian-McBrain Tartan Lines space bus.
CORRECTION: Ann Coulter
Typographical error: Published article stating Ann Coulter is a "bitch" was supposed to read she is "butch." We sincerely regret the error.
Ministry of the Bloody Obvious strikes again
The death of a Royal Marine killed by enemy fire in Afghanistan was lamented by the Defence Ministry, who then shrugged their shoulders and stated shit happens if you spend Xmas in an active war zone.
Tony B-liar evicted
Ex- PM Tony Bliar was today evicted from his London home due mortgage arrears. His projected high earnings from bringing peace to the Middle East have failed to materialise, as per the promised peace.
BNP Leader Sends Yuletide Greeting To His Members
BNP leader Nick Griffin has thanked people for staying in his party, after the membership list was leaked on-line. He wished them all a white Christmas and an even whiter country.
Spoof's Obama Birth Certificate Competition
Don't need a spoof news story : a snippet will do. He doesn't exist. He's a figment of the US voting population's imaginations and mindsets. An illusion. A very bad rascist / sectarian joke
Hannah Montana Survey Shocker!
A recent advert for something or other, on several internet websites, insist on asking this question "Do you like Hannah Montana?" - "No!", has been the general consensus.
Chinese navy pirated
Two Chinese naval destroyers and an aircraft carrier that recently arrived off Somalia to protect Chinese vessels passing through the Gulf of Aden were last night reportedly hijacked by pirates.
Boots 2008 Innovations
Boots Pharmacy have announced the ideal 2009 New Year gift for the girl who has everything. A course of their innovative super-strength antibiotic: ClapGone!
Jerry Mouse Finally Killed By Thomas Cat Shocker!
Jerry the mouse, has finally, been killed by Tom. Tom said "After 70 years of chasing, I realised I was a crap mouser. I simply put down some poison, he ate it and died. I'm not sad he was a shit"
Santa Claus Has Become A Jehovahs Witness Shock!
Santa, has become a witness of Jehovah, and decided he doesn't believe in himself. This Xmas, kids should also expect, no blood transfusions and copies of the WatchTower and Awake in their stockings.
Jimmy Carr Is An Escaped Ventriloquist Dummy Shock!
Weird comic, Jimmy Carr is really a run away ventriloquist's dummy.
"His hair is actually painted on and so are his eyes" said Mr Geppetto. Ironically, Carr is known for being wooden!
Middle East 'Fun' places to visit
Israel has topped the Middle East's poll for 'Fun' places to visit. Radio Beruit announced the poll results yesterday, declaring Israel to be 'as much fun as chemotherapy'.
Pope Benny calls for Peace
Pope Benny Mk16 aka Joseph Ratflinger, made his Urbi et Orbi speech to the world calling for an end to global strife and conflicts, most of which throughout history were caused by the Catholic church.
Mrs. Darwin's Cookbook
A Victorian era cookbook belonging to Evolutionist Charles Darwin's wife is to be published with more than 40 dishes such as braised cormorant, spiced frog in port, hedgehog pate and fillet of badger.
Credit card use hits Xmas high
Credit card company Visa Europe said they hit a peak in transactions at noon today when the company recorded 700 payments a second. Visa are praying New Year repayments might reach 700 per month.
Wii music particpation makes you look like a tosser!
Anyone over ten years old, without a learning difficulty, will look like a tosser and wanker; if they use Wii music. "It's not a scientific fact just an observation" say researchers.
Dieters should buy jeans twice the size of their whole body say psychologists!
Depressed dieters should buy jeans twice the size of their whole bodies. Then they should stand in one of the legs, to give the impression, they used to be that fat, say psychologists!
UK Criminal Deportations Target Met
50,000 convicted foreign criminals were deported in 2008 Immigration Minister Nikolai Mobsaroubles told the BBC's Radio Scally Watch at Dover as 75,000 more arrived on the cross-Channel ferry.
Sudanese woman wins award
London-based nutrition guru Winnie O'Dinga has won the Slimmer's World annual award for the most successful weight reduction plan with her "Lose 10 Stones in a Month Darfur Diet" programme.
Fifty Firefighters Tackle Blaze
Firefighters tackling a huge blaze at a pizza manufacturing company in the Dildo area of Smegmadale shortly before dawn told reporters it was the hottest fast food take-away they'd eaten this year.
Edit the Credit
IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Klunt has told the BBC that people need to spend more to solve the current global recession, but stated he was still working on how they could do this if they were broke.
Shop n Sup
Leicester's Melton High Street retail association yesterday offered a free pint of beer to anyone shopping in the town, resulting in drunken bargain squabbles in Woolworths and Poundland.
Opal Fruits Do Not Make Your Mouth Water Say Dogs!
According to Dogs at the University Of Stan Butler, Utah. What really makes their mouth water is a bell, rung by someone called Pavlov. The chewy retro sweets had no effect on 300 dogs in the study.
UK interest rates drop
The Bank of England has dropped interest rates to minus 1.25%, thus paying borrowers to take out loans by giving them interest on their debt in a last ditch effort to kick-start a dead horse economy.
Nicholas Nickleby role models
UK teachers will have to act as "role models" both in and out of school under a proposed code of conduct says Childrens' Secretary Ed Ballsup. The intended role model is Dicken's Wackford Squeers.
Poor get poorer
The Labour government are planning to charge 27% interest on all state loans to the UK's poorest families in crisis situations in order to ensure a continuation of their poverty / breadline status.
Mandy knocks back Jag' bail out
A Jaguar-Land Rover bail out by the government has been nixed by Peter Mandelson, who told the firm's new owner, India's Tatty group, to get their hands in their own pockets and not come begging.
Lusitania sinking okayed
Kraut military historian Wolfgang von Schnit has declared the WW1 German naval action of torpedoing and sinking the Lusitania was justified as divers had recovered rifle ammunition from the wreck.
UK Christmas shut-downs
More small UK firms are planning to take an extended Christmas break to stave off the negative economic effects of the deepening recession and plan to reopen for business sometime after Easter 2009
Matricide over fish digits
A 14-year old Smegmadale schoolboy beat his mother to death with a frying pan last night after she served him fish fingers. He told police "That's all she's fed me for effin' tea since I woz six."
An 80-year old woman who got bogged in mud overnight while walking her dogs along a Smegmadale river is now safe in hospital. Neighbours told the media she was always a bit of a stick in the mud.
Life according to Ozzie Osbourne
Ozzie Osbourne claims that life is an 'F' in lie! Jonathon Ross, Gordon Ramsey, BillY Connoley and Bob Geldoff agree.
A Smegmadale Hospital mortuary worker who failed to wash his hands after handling corpses has been fired under new NHS zero tolerance hand hygiene rules due possible MRSA infection of other corpses.
Woman on water-only diet flushed down bog.
16 year-old Smegmadale couch spud Julie Slug weighed in at fifteen stones until going on a water only diet losing twelve stones in four weeks, yesterday flushed herself down the toilet by accident.
Police launch Operation Stuck
Traffic on the M20 motorway in Kent is still congested after po;ice initiated Operation Stack, with lines of vehicles backed up from the Dover and Folkestone areas to Glasgow.
President Bush Pardons Self
Figurately anyway-pardoned crimes include cocaine/drug charges, illegal firearms & alien traffic, HUD & SSA fraud, illegal military aircraft exports, violating Archaeological Resources Protection Act.
Jerry Jones to play Monty Burns in live-action "Simpsons" movie
Dallas Cowboy's owner called "perfect for the part" by casting, who added, "He's creepier than Burns, and almost as rich and old."
Comedians suffering "Bush fatigue"
Stand-up comics / comedy writers looking forward to inauguration of Obama, saying they need a rest after 8 years' relentless dogging of the current administration.
Russell Brand To Star In Rab C Nesbit This Xmas!
Brand, is to star as Rab's son on Xmas TV. The story is: Rab knocked up a posh bit of totty years ago, the result was Brand. Russell, will have no trouble looking 'unclean' and calling himself scum!
NRA Member Spots Deer in Kevlar Vest
New Hampshire man was unable to take down the buck. News of the sighting has left NRA members clamoring for armor piercing bullets.
Bush Post-Presidential Plans
Questioned if he had any idea what sort of activity he might pursue after his administration leaves office, Bush thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah! I think I'll order a pizza."
A recent study indicates overexposure to Aspartame articles and snippets causes irritability, annoyance and understimulation of the cerebral cortex.
Geico Gecko Squashed
The annoying subtropical lizard with a British accent was run over by an uninsured motorist. He will be replaced by an equally annoying gecko with the same stupid accent.
Somali Pirates Unfurl Jolly Roger
They have also taken to wearing eye patches, clenching scabbards in their teeth, drinking large quantities of rum, and taunting their pursuers.
Hari Kari at Toyota
Shamed by his company's first quarterly loss in seventy years, a top-level Toyota CEO buried a Samurai sword deep within his abdomen. If only American automakers had half that level of commitment...
Rush Limbaugh Loses 3 Pounds
Notorious right-wing blowhard sheds the weight as a result of a prank gone "right." Al Franken suspected as the trickster who switched painkillers to which Limbaugh is addicted for diet pills.
Blagojevich ignores waiter's recommendation, orders poached Salmon
Rick di Martini was "very disappointed" Blagojevich ignored his recommendation to try the beef tips with asparagus. Blagojevich insists he's "done nothing wrong," and will order what he pleases.
Afghanistan produces bumper crop of dirt, rocks
A rare instance of good fortune for the troubled country - Afghanistan's farmers produced more dust, dirt and rocks this year per capita than ever before.
Beware Chinese Character Tattoos
A recent spate of complaints have arisen over Chinese character tattoos where the requested name or phrase turned out to be a total insult:'ugly bitch', 'long-nosed wanker' and 'smelly slapper'.
Britney Spears Removes Top
Though she had to run hot water over it and eventually resort to a rubber glove, she was finally able to remove the stubborn lid from a jar of pickles.
"Supernanny" Jo Frost to broker Mid-East peace deal
No-nonsense English nanny and star of hit reality TV series Supernanny flies to Gaza to lend her superior skills in bringing peace to Mid-East siblings Israel and Palestine.
Writer Declines to Publish Sarah Palin Snippet
Questioned why he chose not to publish the snippet, the prominent writer for The Spoof replied, "It's just too easy."
Throwing up continues to rise in popularity
...accompanied by a peculiar trend of purchasing exercise equipment and gym memberships without using them. Experts believe the trends to be related.
Car Boot Sale Shock
A Smegmadale couple who bought a case of fizzy soft drinks at Pikey Pete's Pick and Mix car boot sale were amazed on opening the box at home to find it contained a brand new laptop computer.
Ministry of the Bloody Obvious
UK Employment Secretary Virginia Thrush today announced that due the current spate of mass redundancies caused by the deepening recession it is expected that unemployment figures will rise in 2009.
Barclay Sisters to Quit Sark
Spoiled brat Barclay sisters Miles and Giles are to pull business investments out of Sark in a fit of huff and pique after their pro-reform candidates were rejected in the island's recent elections.
Condition Discovered That Turns Conservatives Into Liberals
Called bankruptcy, it's got auto company execs, bank owners and Wall Street fat cats who normally revile government intervention in their business scrambling for handouts.
Gaza Gangsters Building Nuclear Weapons
Israeli is shitting kittens at news that Hamas' Gaza gangsters are developing nuclear weapons from mined deposits of Camelite, a highly radioactive rock found in abundant humps around the Gaza oases.
Rod Blagojevich Christmas Woes
Santa blew the whistle - the Jolly Old Elf was offered the Illinois senate seat in return for extra toys. Said Claus, "All he had to do was leave extra milk and cookies! Such a naughty boy."
Demand Side Economics - Ramen Noodle Stocks Soar
Perennial Wall Street Favorite - As bouillion juice "trickles down" American chins, money saved purchasing the savory soups is expected to "trickle up" over time, providing needed economic stimulus.
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