Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 26 August 2008
Nanci Pelosi Backs Bill Clinton on Immaculate Blue Dress Stain Theory
Citing her Catholic educational backround, the Speaker of the House announced that the immaculate ejaculation was not sex, or a sin, but an expression of love. The Pope welcomed the clarification.
John Edwards' Cries for Help and Understanding Ignored!
With an erection now lasting well past 4 hours and approaching 3 months, the former Presidential Candidate can find no relief. Doctors and supporters said he would have to handle his own problem.
Come on Jarvis - Come Home and Show 'em your Arse!
With the number of sanctimonious, hypocritical, obscenely wealthy celebrities increasing by the day, isn't it about time geeky 90's hero Jarvis Cocker returned to Britain and showed them his arse?
A new cocktail has been invented by TV chef Jamie Oliver. Ingredients are gruel, soda, vodka, lime and a pinch of salt. The cocktail will be called the 'Oliver Twist'.
Statue of Huge Roman Ruler Unearthed
Turkish archeologists have unearthed a statue of a huge Roman ruler. Made of marble and with one straight edge, it is 90cm long and is marked off from I - XC. The Romans invented the decimal system.
Jesse Jackson denied access to DNC; Metal detector finds weapon
Jesse Jackson was turned away from the DNC after security found a box cutter secreted in his shorts. Officials cited his earlier recorded threats against Obama to "cut off his nuts" to deny access.
Hillary solves nation's gas problem...files for divorce!
Hillary Clinton announced at the DNC she is divorcing Bill, seeking half his declared assets and cash in an effort to silence his bull shit and promote clean air in Denver. Bill was speechless.
Obama denies owning ANY house as he folds tent!
Obama denied owning any house faced with the fact his opponent owns 7. "I don't own no house," he said, "everything is in my wife' name, and if she has one, I don't know where the bitch got it."
China reports advanced genetics...gymnastic embryos ready for 2012
Claiming accelerated aging techniques, Chinese scientists said incubated embryos will be ready to compete in women's gymnastics by the next olympics. Birth certificates have been pre filed with IOC.
Hillary finally wins one...comes from BEHIND to win in Colorodo!
Hillary Clinton edged out Michelle Obama in the first ever BIG BUTT contest on the Realty Show , "I've Got Your Booty" airing to a mentally diminished audience. Future of the show is in doubt.