Spoof news snippets from Saturday 23 August 2008
New 'Longest Word' Found
Language experts have discovered a new 'longest word'. The word, 'wask'a' is from native South American Quechua, and means 'longest'.
Cristiano Ronaldo Not Injured
Great news for Man Utd fans! Ronaldo managed to stay further-injury-free this weekend, as the Reds don't play Portsmouth until Monday. He won't get hurt then either, as he is already on crutches.
U. S. Food Regulators to Permit Radiation of Spinach
An indignant Popeye complains: "When God said, 'Let there be light,' He didn't mean it to be in my spinach."
"My Hair is NOT Receding" says Law.
Jude Law, once voted the Most Beautiful Man in North London, has reacted furiously to suggestions that his hair is receding. "Any idiot can see that my forehead has got bigger" he declared.
"Sienna's No Slut" say Vandals
Vandals who sprayed slut and the sign of satan on the wall of luscious adulterer Sienna Miller have admitted it was a mistake on their part. They had thought it was Ann Widdicombe's gaff. Sorry Si!
Kenyan Village Celibrates Choice of Biden!
Upon learning of Joe Biden's pick as Barack Obama's running mate, the sister village in Kenya, Manbabatuyu, started a special 7-Virgin Orgy. Said Chief Nashrila, "We need more Veeps! Party now!"
Katona - Inland Revenue Demands Their "Pound of Flesh"
Kerry Katona has been admitted to a private clinic to have enough flesh removed to pay off her outstanding £82,000 tax bill. Whatever is left over will be donated to her favourite charity.
Oldest Living Angolan Dead
Pedro Nbongo, the oldest living Angolan, has been killed in a sub-machine gun ambush accident in the capital, Luanda. He was 38.
Nigella Lawson Has Less Than a Fortnight to Eat World's Food!"
Voluptuous raven-haired glutton Nigella Lawson has vowed to eat as much of the world's food supply as possible before "Greedy Mo" is evicted from Big Brother 9.
Stop homosexuality at its source.
It is a proven scientific fact that over 99.47% of all gays, lesbians, and bisexuals are the offspring from a heterosexual union. Stop heterosexual unions, and you'll stop homosexuality.
Mr Paparazzi Tells Media: "Leave Poor Jade Goody Alone!"
Close friends fear that cock-headed celebrity knocker Darryn Lyons may be heading for a complete mental breakdown.
New Chinese Venture
After the Olympics, the Chinese will be converting the Great Wall into the world's longest shopping center. It will be titled "The Great Mall of China".
Britney's new diet. Drama queen special
Britney Spears reveals new diet that helped her lose weight and get back into her performing shape. Get locked in a mental ward, in a padded room, away from food.