Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 15 April 2008
Hillary Desperate: Reads Hitler's 'Mein Kampf'
Unknown to the American public, Hillary has been growing cojones (balls) to better fight Obama. She's been reading Hitler's, 'Mein Kampf', to build internal power. Her only problem has been keeping from raising her arm in a mock command of U.S. citizens.
Russia's Aeroflot and Chechen Air To Merge
The spreading mergermania of airlines in the U.S. has hit Europe. Fierce "adversaries," Russia and failed breakaway Chechnya will merge Aeroflot and Chechen Air. Said Ramzan Kadyrov, Chechen President, "Watch, we blowing up many Aeroflot planes!"
China's Execution of 470 in 2007 Terrifies its Olympians
China still leads in executions. Firing squad or lethal injection applies to crimes as non violent as tax evasion, corruption, and racketeering. Now, the government has voted that non-medalists are subject to it. Everywhere signs read: "WWMD," (What Would Mao Do?)
Father of Male Teen Brings Charges Against Female Teacher!
In all high school teacher-teen boy sex romps, it is always the mother as accuser. Never would a normal father refuse his son this experience. But in NYC. Jim Zingermann reported a back-seater between son, Walt, and his math teacher. The father is now undergoing counseling!
Tesco Announce £2.846bn Profits
Tesco stores report an 11% rise in profits thanks to shoppers smoking Marijuana. Pringles, Hagen Dasz , Donuts and Flavoured Milk are among the top 'munchies'.
McCain Declares Loss of 5 Navy Jets "None of Your Business!"
Despite losing 5 U.S. Navy jets in his military career, the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate defends his actions. "These planes were just crap, except for the one the Nam's shot down. Man, those suckers really knew how to torture a guy!"
Orthodox Jewish Athletes from Israel Will Boycott Beijing
Meyer Schlegel of the Ultra-Ortho Athletes, Israel is preventing his 8 athletes from competing in the Olympics. The Chinese, via Cook No. 37, said, "No ortodox cooking for Islael. We not resrant! Cannah get kosher food and bling in. Tough ruck Charrie!"