Spoof news snippets from April 2008
There were 116 spoof news snippets published in April 2008. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
In Shrewsbury today, a dyslexic man suffering from depression threw himself behind a bus. Nobody was hurt.
President Bush has questions for China concerning upcoming Olympics
"What's this Beijjing place I keep hearing about? I thought the Olympics were in Peking?"
Prince William has finally acheived his ambition. As a small boy he used to hang onto his dad's ears and fly around Buckingham Palace.
View of reality
Working on a computer all day has definitely messed with my girlfriend's view of reality. We had just placed our lunch order, and as our waitress walked away, she slipped in a wet spot on the floor. "How about that?" Amy observed dryly. "Our server is down."
Captured by cannibals
Some spoofwriters on safari were captured by cannibals.The chief told them. "We put you all in big pots of water, cook you and eat you." "You can't do that to me," Mark Lowton said. "I'm the editor of 'TheSpoof.com. "Well," he responded, "tonight you will be editor-in-chief!"
Correspondent asks Pope Benedict if he enjoyed playing Cliff on Cheers
Pope Benedictus XVI, whose given name is Joseph Ratzinger, was recently asked by Entertainment Monthly if he liked playing "Cliff" on the TV comedy series "Cheers." The Pope responded "That was John Ratzenberger, dummy. Peace be with you."
European directive No. PI55
In order to meet the conditions for creating a Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom must be made aware that the phrase, 'Spending a Penny,' is not to be used after 31st December 2008. From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Tonya Harding/Michael Jackson in Business Venture
Tonya Harding and Michael Jackson have bought Aqueduct Racetrack. She's going to do the handicapping and he's going to ride the three-year-olds.
Dell Computer Problem
Dell laptops have developed a problem where the A, E, and I keys always stick. A spokesman has finally diagnosed the problem as "These new laptops are suffering from irritable vowel syndrome."
Research Shows Octopuses Flirt and Hold Hands. . . .
....and hands and hands.
Tesco Announce £2.846bn Profits
Tesco stores report an 11% rise in profits thanks to shoppers smoking Marijuana. Pringles, Hagen Dasz , Donuts and Flavoured Milk are among the top 'munchies'.
Spoof readers do not read snippets
A survey of TheSpoof.com's regular readers reveals that none of them ever read the snippets, therefore, this entire thing that I'm writing is just a waste of time.
Shannon mother arrested on suspicion of being working class
The mother of Shannon Matthews has been arrested for being working class, police revealed today. It is alleged that she not only had cable TV by more than one provider but that she had 'perverted the course of language'.
Olympic Torch grab: McCanns questioned
The Olympic Torch was almost abducted yesterday while being cradled in the arms of former Blue Peter star Konnie Huq. The McCanns were briefly questioned but released without libel charges.
Olympic Flame Climbs Everest
As a tribute to good sportsmanlike conduct, pro-Tibet protesters in Nepal who interfere with the Olympic Flame climb at Mount Everest may be shot.
Charlton Heston New Town shuts for good
The Buckinghamshire new town of Charlton Heston was officially abandoned yesterday and will be destroyed next week. The town, famous in the 60s and 70s, was a bold experiment in method planning but had little impact in the last decade.
Rastas develop new i and iPhone
A new phone that allows the caller to speak directly to Jah Rastafari has been launched today. The i and iPhone has a camera, internet access and ting.
Putting clocks forward 'throws world off axis'
Data suggests that the collective act of moving clocks forward one hour last weekend may have moved the earth away from its axis. Or it may not.
Letters 'form words'
Scientists working at Harvard University have, for the first time, identified the building blocks of words. 'Letters', as the scientists have termed them, link together to form patterns. Some of these letters are only 2mm high and can only be seen by nearly everyone.
In a shock revelation that will turn the world of cliche on its head, a living Door nail has been found in the Outer Hebrides.
Following his recent defeat in the courts, Dodi Fayed will now set out to prove once and for all how the last Dodo was killed.
Shoe Prices: Update
Following the news that a Centipede in Glamorgan is to complain about the price of shoes to his MP, a Millipede has now poked his nose in saying 'And you think you've got problems?'
Derren Brown recently claimed to have once hypnotised Madonna into thinking she was a chicken and claims that she even laid an egg! Madonna has made a statement, whilst bobbing her head, saying "Cluck".
A Centipede in Glamorgan has recently complained about the price of shoes to his MP.
Yellow is still yellow
Revelations from the world of fashion have reached us to say that Yellow is not the new black, it is still the old yellow.
Peter Pan, the boy who famously never grew up is said to now have a much deeper voice, and to be sporting a somewhat dapper moustache.
Livingstone: Mayor admits drink problem and resigns
Ken Livingstone has conceeded defeat to his rival Boris Johnson in the election for London Mayor He apparently wept at a news conference and said: 'I'm a corrupt drunk and I have failed this city.'
Adolf Hitler has been found alive in a Sidcup bedsit but cannot be deported, officials have admitted. The High Court will scupper moves to send Mr Hitler home.
9 out of 10 People Who Clicked The Ad...
under this snippet, didn't realize they needed the product until they clicked on it.
Billy Mades, Annoying TV Barker, Loses Voice
In a freak accident, where fatboy barker, Billy Mades, was showing how safe it was to even drink "Banzai Sludge Away" drain opener, he permanently lost his voice. The wrong product had been placed on the set. It was eerie watching him curse M-F all night from his hospital bed, but, in total silence.
NSA: Two US Politicians Do Not Cheat on Wives
A source at the NSA has released the results of an ongoing surveilance operation that spies on the lives of all US politicians. The most shocking news is that there are two politicos who apparently remain faithful to their wives.
Spitzer: "I didn't ejaculate."
Elliot Spitzer claimed in an interview today that while he did achieve coitus with hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupre, he did not orgasm in her presence.
Non-Inspected Boeing 737s Cause Panic
Southwest Airlines has grounded 125 737s, for violations of safety-inspection protocols. The tipoff occurred when all passengers on 57 consecutive flights spit up their peanuts. Said flight attendant, Bisby Mung, "It looked like baby caca all over the place!"
A bloke called harold went camping today
He became the first man in 50 years called Harold to go camping without being aided by an Irish nun. Experts say this won't last as there's expected to be a herd of unaided Herberts to swarm the Yorkshire Dales by mid November.
'Bubba' Clinton Makes The Big Bucks Giving Speeches Globally
Bill 'Bubba' Clinton garnered $52 million in the last 7 years from giving speeches in front of the enthralled. However, Monica Lewinsky said, "Hey, I paid Bill nothing and still got quite a mouthful...I guess, more than one time!"
Putin Not Pleased with President Bush's Last Meeting
President Vladimir Putin of Russia had a final face-to-face with President Bush, before 'Bushy' leaves office in January, 2009. Said, Putin, "What was point? All he talk about was 9-11 and some goat. U.S. people elected this shmuck?"
Teeth 'prefer gums'
A new survey revealed today that, given a choice, teeth would prefer to reside in gums rather than anywhere else in the human body. Of the 13,000 teeth questioned, over 70% indicated gums, 26% wanted anywhere in the head region, while a small proportion suggested the genital area.
Scrolling Text Boxes Contributing To Global Warming
Scrolling Text Boxes may have a detrimental effect on the environment. This pronouncement was made at an annual World Wide Web convention at an exclusive resort in Fiji, accessible only by private jet.
You Are More Likely To Get Your Baggage At Heathrow...
then to have your Breaking News Snippet show up here. But... be a sport. Give it a go....LOL! - BA CEO, Willie Walsh
Detectives working together with record shops have found the millions of albums sold by Shania Twain, Chris De Burgh, Cliff Richard, Mariah Carey, and Celine Dion in the lost city of Atlantis. Atlantisists were always suspected to have a piss poor taste in music.
Sid Vicious - The Truth
An elderly neighbour of punk rock icon Sid Vicious has said, 'From what I can remember, he was a nice boy, actually'
Pope Benedict Visits Wrong Grave During US Trip
Pope Benedict will pay tribute at the grave of Benedict Arnold in Amsterdam, New York. "He bears my name and is a famous American. Respect is proper." Unfortunately, Arnold was a Revolutionary War traitor and British spy!
Charlton Heston Still Dead
Hollywood, California - Charlton Heston is still dead. No change in his status has been reported.
U.S. Government Investigating Unwarranted Purchases
The Senate is investigating illegal personal expenditures by Federal employees. "In 2006, various Agency personnel bought lingerie, iPods, expensive dinners, and luxury items, including vacation getaways." Said Alt DiCaca of the State Department, "It's always something!"
Teen Dies of Burst Aneurysm While Playing Sax
A 14-year old boy died of a cerebral hemorrhage at school in music class. His hygiene teacher in the prior class had talked about safe sex. Fearing disease and being safe while playing his sax, he foolishly put a condom over the mouthpiece.
U.S. Airplanes Grounded for Hidden Reason
Over the past week, several U.S. airlines have cancelled flights, claiming safety inspections were needed. Insider information now reveals that no booze, peanuts, or soda had made it to these carriers for a week. Said one flight attendant, "No eats or alky, no fly!"
Impending Death From Space
Scientist warn a rock, half the size of the moon, is hurling through space on a collision course with our planet. All life will vanish in minutes. You may be dead as you read this due to the length of time it takes the editorial staff to post breaking news.
Max Mosely To Star In New Porn Movie
Max Mosely, soon to be former FIA President, is to star in the upcoming porn flick "Ze Punishment". It is being billed as a cross between 'Allo Allo' and 'Deep Throat'. Mosely says he hopes the movie 'will whip up a storm'!
Horse hybrids a hit at Detroit Auto Show
General Motors to begin the mass production of genetically cloned hybrid horses that don't require ethanol and must be plugged into a wall socket with an extension cord coiled within their anal canal.
Predictability at it finest with a dash of balderdash
It was no surprise when Dubai's crown prince paid $2.7 million for a scud missile launcher, the catch: the launcher is a camel that won a beauty pageant by wearing only a thong.
American Airlines reaches an accord in NASA merger
When the skeet has hit the fan, there comes a moment where one must take drastic action. AA is on thin ice after cancelling hundreds of flights without justification. Fearing mutiny they succumbed to NASA which will replace aging jets with a fleet of space shuttles.
Subway diet issues surgeon generals warning
Jerod has become famous for losing thousands of pounds with the Subway diet. However, although you may be able to devour a sub in under a minute it will take over an hour to leave your station. This warning is backed by the IBS preservation center.
Update: Impending Death From Space
With only minutes to live, any female, (redheads preferred) desiring a final moment of comfort should contact the author of this breaking news immediately.
Lost backpacker found after 4-week absence; explains how he survived
"I love to eat donuts, especially when I am camping alone, but my IBS always begs to differ.When I became lost, I ate only the frosting and soiled myself several times and found civilization by following the tire tracks in my underwear."
Flatulence Cures Cancer
The Foundation of Applied Research Theories (FART) has published the results of studies, claiming that cancerous mice, after receiving a full treatment of flatulence, enter into remission. The majority of the experiment was conducted by the overnight janitor.
Obama Found In Drunken Stupor in Pennsylvania Hotel
In a pre-win and secret celebration for the upcoming April 22 primary in the Keystone State, Obama was found crawling around his Pennsylvania hotel room. The room was strewn with 17 empty Tusker 12 ouncers. "I jess miss that Kinyan Tusker beer."
Monica Lewinsky Predicts Obama Will Take White House
Recently interviewed on the set of "Swallowtail - My Story," Lewinsky's biopic, she opined, "The Dems will win and it will be Barack, baby! Never Hillary she took 'Billy Boy' away from me. Besides, you know what they say about Afro guys! Obama's already told me, 'My hut is your hut!'"
Aussies Fighting Beijing Over Great White Shark Display
The Australian Olympic Committee is planning to show a live 18ft long Great White at the Summer Olympics. Beijing Official No. 6 said, "If show any shark, we take and make soup for Official No. 1!" The Aussies are now threatening a boycott.
Special Signage for Olympics Toilets
Language barriers are a problem at any Olympics. So, on the men's and women's rooms stick figures urinating and defecating will make the situation clear for all. Said Toilet Official No. 2, "We pran good! And, I not kid you, Angro!"
A Lost Tribe of Israel Discovered in Joplin, Missouri, USA?
Middle East scholars have been lead to scientist, Dr. Stanley Frankosky of Joplin, who claims that he is a member of Judah, one of the 10 Lost Tribes of Israel. He claims a series of unique body marks is proof. Testing is underway.
Orthodox Jewish Athletes from Israel Will Boycott Beijing
Meyer Schlegel of the Ultra-Ortho Athletes, Israel is preventing his 8 athletes from competing in the Olympics. The Chinese, via Cook No. 37, said, "No ortodox cooking for Islael. We not resrant! Cannah get kosher food and bling in. Tough ruck Charrie!"
McCain Declares Loss of 5 Navy Jets "None of Your Business!"
Despite losing 5 U.S. Navy jets in his military career, the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate defends his actions. "These planes were just crap, except for the one the Nam's shot down. Man, those suckers really knew how to torture a guy!"
Father of Male Teen Brings Charges Against Female Teacher!
In all high school teacher-teen boy sex romps, it is always the mother as accuser. Never would a normal father refuse his son this experience. But in NYC. Jim Zingermann reported a back-seater between son, Walt, and his math teacher. The father is now undergoing counseling!
China's Execution of 470 in 2007 Terrifies its Olympians
China still leads in executions. Firing squad or lethal injection applies to crimes as non violent as tax evasion, corruption, and racketeering. Now, the government has voted that non-medalists are subject to it. Everywhere signs read: "WWMD," (What Would Mao Do?)
Russia's Aeroflot and Chechen Air To Merge
The spreading mergermania of airlines in the U.S. has hit Europe. Fierce "adversaries," Russia and failed breakaway Chechnya will merge Aeroflot and Chechen Air. Said Ramzan Kadyrov, Chechen President, "Watch, we blowing up many Aeroflot planes!"
Hillary Desperate: Reads Hitler's 'Mein Kampf'
Unknown to the American public, Hillary has been growing cojones (balls) to better fight Obama. She's been reading Hitler's, 'Mein Kampf', to build internal power. Her only problem has been keeping from raising her arm in a mock command of U.S. citizens.
If McCain Wins Presidency, His Arms Will Be Raised!
War injuries mean the Republican candidate, John McCain, is unable to lift his arms over his head. So, Give Me A High Five Prosthetics of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, have fashioned an optical illusion to show his arms lifted over his head. It's called, 'Above McCain's Brain.'
McCain Returning to His John "McNasty" Days
His team calls him Miss McCain, half-assed, old man, and 'the wimp'. So McCain's campaign manager wants him to start showing his teeth and biting the Dems! So, it's back to private boarding school days, where he was nicknamed "McNasty" for his willingness to fight.
Obama Nearly Chokes on Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich
Proving he's not an elitist per volatile opponent, like Clinton, Obama mingled with a few Philly locals. Chewing away at a regional cheesesteak delicacy, Obama suddenly started gagging and was Heimliched. Said Barack..."lucky that the Clinton witch wasn't here to save me! Sure!"
Wacko's Vote Is Like Chocolate Milk
Fighting the white and black battle within, always-freakish Michael Jackson told a 5-year old buddy, "Mikey is confused about voting. I like milk and I like chocolate, but I can't mix them in this case. I've got it! Everybody thinks I'm now white, so, Hillary gets my vote!"
Great Divide Argument Rages in Cleavage Wars
There are designers who like more cleavage and those who would rather use super glue to bridge the gap. Bruce Lady of 'Bra Business America,' said, "Mammaries still want to breathe, you know, and, American men just froth over the split! Any questions?"
Pope Decides to Cut U.S. Visit Short!
Pope Benedict XVI arrived in the US to meet with GW Bush. After 30 minutes, however, an advisor said, "We must leave Holy Pontiff. Gas for Popemobile and Blessed, Bacteria-Free Holy Water priced too high!"
"Elitist" Causes Donation of Dictionaries To Big 3
The Scrabble game people have donated 'The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 4th ed., to Obama, Hillary, and McCain. "We reject a candidate, who doesn't understand the words elitist, racist, black, white, delegate, convention, election, and constitution."
Obama Now Claims He's Elitist
After earning $4.2 million in 2007, $3.9 million alone from sale of two Obama books, the lead Demo candidate now proudly claims elitism. "Hey, I earned some big bucks and I made the 'club.' Tough, if you didn't bro! Write your own book...sure...like it's going to sell!"
Hicks Hates Scousers!
Liverpool co-owner Tom Hicks has shown his disdain for the scouse race in a sensational outburst "they talk funny, they steal everything and none of them work they're scum!" George Gillet again refused to support his partner by adding "I've never met any"
McCain surgically "fixed"
Bethesda Navy surgeons did cosmetic surgery on "clone of Bush" with an optirectomy. They severed the nerves between McW's asshole & his eyeballs to keep him from having such a ****ty outlook on life.
CIA: Olympians Threatened by Radiation at Beijing
China = lead, reacted lead and toxic. Lead metal blocks radioactivity. CIA: The Chinese will use radioactive bombardment...not for the Chinese. Result: lowest scores ever for athletes (wearing heavy lead shields!). The Chinese will sweep all Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals.
Hillary Brazenly Chooses Her Cabinet!
After a Pittsburgh luncheon attended by her key supporters, Ms. Clinton revealed her cabinet choices to a select few. 4 supporters, sworn to secrecy, viewed the list. Obama, quick to respond, said, "Yeah, I bet she has Little Richard designated as Secretary of Non Elitists!"
Shrink Reveals Obama May Pull Out
In a leaked discussion, Obama's psychiatrist reveals that arrows being shot into Obama have caused bad wounds. He's depressed over his heritage, elitism, bitterness, religion, guns, small towns, debate formats, and wife, Michelle's, cursing, off camera.
Black Reverend Al Sharpton Wants Cabinet Post
Once riotmaster, the 53-year old reverend of Brooklyn wants it! Referred to as an 'antisemitic racist' and 'racial arsonist,' the radio guy and activist itches to be Secretary of State, "like Condi, under a Demo or Republican Pres. Al's got it all bro' and learnt from my passed stupidirty."
McCain: "Why No Press On Me?"
As Obama and Hillary garner the spotlight, daily trading insults, McCain is moaning about lack of press coverage on his campaign. But, as one major newspaper editor wrote, "Following McCain's campaign and personality remind me of my housebound grandpa's babbling drivel."
Bush Lost Nuclear Codes
War with China? Lucky it did not happen, as President Bush's briefcase with nuclear missile launch codes had been missing for several days. The White House was in turmoil with every square inch inspected. It was finally found in a fridge, with his lunch inside.
$1,000,000 For White House Replica!
Leaving the Presidency has been very trying for Mr. Bush. So, to relive his glory days, he has commissioned George Lucas' Industrial Light & Magic to create an exact room-sized replica of the White House, "right down to detailed miniature crappers."
Hillary TV Ad: Monica Wants In
Monica Lewinsky, of Bill Clinton fame, has approached Ms. Clinton saying her well-known face will catch the voter's attention. Responding in a near rage, Hillary replied, "Monica, you are a slut with no valid ethics! You disgraced the Presidency. Climb aboard!"
Criminals Learn From True Crime TV
When Vinnie 'The Knife' Scalzo needed to do a 'job,' he learned how to do the perfect crime from Forensic Folders on the tube. He left no prints, no DNA, no hair, no fibers, no anything. Said Vinnie, "When you is educated like me, opportunity comes to you by TV!"
Danica Patrick wins race
Danica Patrick put her recent win down to doing her make-up before she got into the car and not having to park
McCain Jealous Over Democrat Infighting
A tearful John McCain told his top strategist, Charles Black, today that it's 'unfair' that Hillary and Obama are getting all the news coverage. He reassured him, saying: "Johnny Boy, the biggie's coming! Johnny will be on TV everyday, too!" McCain then let out a huge grin.
Einstein Black Book Reveals Trysts With Students
The Nobel Prize winning physicist's 'hidden' black book was found deep inside an old desk last week at Princeton. Known as a womanizer, his notes disclose dalliances with 37 female undergrads. On the last page is scrawled the German word, 'testosteron'!
University Has Intruder Rifle Installed
In a controversial and hush hush move, Sam Wawwoo University have issued an automated Intruder-Recognition Rifle in its Biology Lecture Hall. Said school President, Dr. Finchley Obi Amos, "Anyone pointing a gun in there will quickly become Swiss cheese!"
McCartney To Marry A Third Time!
Almost 65, Sir Paul McCartney, has dumped his second wife Heather Mills, costing him $50 million of his $1.5 billion. She was even chastised by the court as a gold digger. Paul will marry an Oxford Professor of 'Pop Culture,' 30 years younger, while Mills goes at U.S. TV.
South Carolina Trying To Pass Bizarre New Marriage Law!
People who seduce married people could be sued by jilted spouses under a bizarre law that has won approval from SC lawyers. The Southeast has once again expressed its dominance in the IQ department and its understanding of a dying economy! Resting OK, Mr. Lincoln?
Obama to Box when Preparing for Next Primaries
For the upcoming May 6 Indiana and North Carolina primaries, Obama means business. He's going one on one with a sparring partner for an hour a day for the next 2 weeks. "I'll throw Hillary a few hard punches next time! Screw Pennsylvania!"
All Prisoners In U.S. Going to Mexico, Forever!
The 1980 Mariel Boatlift into the U.S. of jailed Cubans was a model. Now, Obama, Hillary, and McCain have announced all U.S. prisoners will be sent Mexico, for good! "Mexico gave us 20 million illegals; they can have 2.5 million back!"
Ashley Alexandra Dupre Out of Work?
"It was all over before she knew it," said former NY governor Spitzer. "I told her to take the money and run. She refused, but I want her again. I'm checking now how much is left in my campaign chest. Hey, I just 'told them' I was cured!"
National Geographic To Feature Sex of The Celebs
National Geographic featured bare-breasted Pacific Islanders over 70 years ago. Now, the mag is taking the next big step: girls of the internet. New NG editor, Hugh Hefner, commented, "This is how real humans behave."
Olympic Relay Bearer Torches Protesters
An Asian-American martial arts sensei, running part of the Olympic Torch relay lost her temper, attacked about 25 anti-China protesters who had blocked the street, and beat the crap out of them while setting several on fire among the group.
Poll: American Men Prefer Briefs to Boxers
In a poll of over 30,000 men, it was revealed that they prefer the tight fit of briefs over loose and 'non-masculine' boxer shorts by 30:1. Important factors: a he-man feel and better dates, because of a preview of the goods! Guys, boxer shorts are out!
Laura and Jenna Bush Release Children's Book
The U.S. First Lady and daughter have just released a kid's book, 'Read All About It,' aimed at 4-8 year olds. The White House copy quickly disappeared and was read by Mr. Bush, who proudly claims, "'The Pet Goat' is intellectually superior."
Language Flub Brings Mao Picture to Chinese President!
A Chinese-English accent recently resulted in an embarrassing mixup. The Chinese Pres received a framed photo of Chairman Mao for the Beijing Olympics, a confusion with the 'Flame.' It had come from the Embassy in Washington and expressed to Beijing!