Spoof news snippets from September 2007
There were 77 spoof news snippets published in September 2007. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Robert Blake, Following O.J. Again, To Release New Book
The book is titled: "I Ain't Sayin' I Done Nuthin, But If I'da Done Sumthin', Dis Is Hows I'da Done It."
O.J. Simpson finally admits that he was not trying to steal back his own memorabilia
"I was trying to get an autographed pair of Britney's panties since they are a rare thing now because she doesn't wear them anymore."
"St-st-st-st-stammering's a s-s-s-s-serious problem", director of British Stammering Association says
The director of the British Stammering Association, in a 2-hour interview, told our reporter that stammering is a serious problem.
Cabinet Minister Ed Balls changes first name to "Suckmy"
Westminster is reeling after news that the Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families, Ed Balls, has changed his first name to "Suckmy". Now he will be known as "the Right Honourable Suckmy Balls".
Fly-type Thingie Accompanying Many Spoof Stories Is Subject of Speculation
Some think it's a plain old bug; others argue it's Elton John hiding behind a pair of sunglasses.
NBC and iTunes Announce Divorce
"MUST SEE TV? It's just not for me," declared Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple.
Another Price Increase at Ruth's Chris Steak House
A famed steakhouse's prices are up again, the 6-oz. filet now $49.95. Insurers on random audit reportedly discovered all meals are served on sizzling 600-degree plates and demanded "a larger cut".
If you can...
...cruise through life you know you haven't made a difference. Congratulations!
British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is alive and living on a caravan site on the Isle of Sheppey, according to newspaper reports
...is limitless but is still confined to eternal nothingness of human consciousness.
Polytunnel pickers protest
Britian's strawbery pickers are staging a 24 hour strike to protest against 'Green Finger' a condition caused by prolonged exposure to strawberry leaves.
Collins to 'glove up.'
Joan Collins will wear gloves on all her public appearances from now on after pictures showed her hands are 50 years older than her face.
Cherie gets new face
Visually challenged Cherie Blair admitted she used a 'face double' for her autobiography publicity pictures
... on achieving mediocrity.
Dr Zeus wins Nobel Prize for Literature
Dr Zeus has won the Nobel Prize for Literature for his seminal work 'Green Eggs and Ham'
US forces are on full scale alert after Gen. David Petraeus's wig escaped.
Jim Morrison has been found alive and well living in a council flat in Cheltenham, England.
'Freebird' spooks 'Southern Man'
Folk singer Neil Young claims he is being haunted by ghost of Lynrd Skynrd singer and plane crash victim Ronnie Van Zandt.
Cobblers to Olympics
Shoemakers are jumping for joy after cobbling was chosen to be one of the new events at the London Olympics. Both sprint re-heeling and pairs freestyle willl be included in the 2012 tournament.
Another Medical Condition Named after Gordon Brown
Slack-jawed people will in future be suffering from 'Brown's Syndrome' after the condition was named in his honour of the Prime Minister. He also lends his name to 'Unashamed Liar' Syndrome.
Miss Teen South Carolina Still Bangable
A recent Gallup poll revealed that 94% of Americans would still "bang the living sh*t" out of Miss Teen South Carolina, Laura Caitlin Upton, despite her awkward and embarrassing display of unfathomable stupidity during the 2007 Miss Teen USA contest.
Senator Larry Craig Unresigns
Confessed, then pleaded unguilty after conviction. Bush may now decide 'Mission Unaccomplished' and unstay the course in Iraq to uninvade if unrealities continue.
Team McCann say - It Pays to Advertise
Marketers behind the Find Madeleine Campainge have released a range of "I AM NOT MADELEINE MCCANN" Tee- Shirts. This,they say, will help them focus on the real issue of finding Madeleine.
Brooklyn Jewish Academy football team loses 492nd straight game
"But at least, thank God, nobody got hurt." says Coach Yankelbaum.
US Atorney General Confusion
"Alberto Gonzales is the first attorney general who thought the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, were three different things."
-Rahm Emanuel, D-Ill.
Reason for Owen Wilson's attempted suicide discovered
(L.A., CA)-Actor Owen Wilson's recent suicide attempt prompted the LA county police to check his internet history for clues. Shortly before the 911 call was made, Wilson had viewed the bottom line of the High School Musical page on Wikipedia which ready "casting in works for High School Musical 3."
Ron Paul Removes Head from Sand
Ron Paul removed his head from the sand today to tell the Islamic terroists to "Just go away!"
Britney Spears to Consult Bin Laden PR Team
Faltering pop icon Britney Spears is to consult terrorist Osama bin Laden's Public Relations team to help her damaged public image. Manager Larry Rudolph told Entertainment Weekly, "After the [MTV] V.M.A. performance, anything helps." Al-Qaeda could not be reached for comment.
Pope Recants on Disposable Love
A press release issued from Vatican today states that the Pope will be launching an Encyclical clarifying the Church's position on Disposable Love - Church officals claim - It was never meant to be taken literally!
Chris Morris's Mass Murder Satire
Morris's 'uproarious' new show will see him hacking gullible celebrities participants into bitesize chunks.
Sex Change Operation Disappoints Senator
Senator Larry Craig preferred Karl Rove the way he was
Brian Blessed Shaves Beard
Brian Blessed has shaved off his beard. He is still a crap actor.
Brian Blessed Regrows Beard
Brian Blessed has regrown his beard. He is still a crap actor.
"There's No Bastard Like An Old Bastard"
Longest serving US Republican Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska proves the absolute truth of the old cliché' . . .
Brian Blessed Slims Down
Brian Blessed has slimmed down to size zero. He is still a crap actor.
Kenneth Branagh Hails Brian Blessed
Kenneth Branagh has declared Brian Blessed to be the greatest actor that has ever lived (next to himself, of course). He is still a crap actor.
Two people actually like Bush: Poll
A survey of 2 Americans has found that some people actually like George Bush.
PM Gordon Brown: 'I'm a Convicted Politician'
One-eyed ogre Gordon Brown made a sensational confession at the Labour Party Conference - revealing he has a long list of convictions running back to 1979. The PM added: 'I'm not the leader of Britain. I'm a very naughty boy.'
Man shot through head; in hospital in satisfactory condition
"Wow! Now THERE'S a guy who's easy to please!" say amazed doctors.
I fell getting off my high horse. Who can I sue?
Pictured girl isn't Maddie but pictured man IS Lord Lucan.
Hazel Blears may be a keen motor cyclist, and she does look groovy in her leathers, but having her hair in the shape of a helmet doesn't quite work. Just try greasing it back, Haze.
'Crap News' reports that Brian Blessed had eaten his way down from Mt Everest and is now eating Loose Women. Will no one release us from this accursed man?!
Self-Castrated Man on the Prowl
Said the man, "Let's see those girls at the office kick me in the nuts when I hit on them now!" Nearby female co-workers wretched in disbelief.
International Snake-Handling Convention Goes Terribly Wrong
Surveying the room full of corpses and poisonous vipers, NYC detective Ray Broward said, "Who's gonna vote for Giuliani now?"
Anti-Defamation League thinks headline directly below this one might be anti-Semitic
ADL president Abe Foxman explains, "We haven't quite decided whether it is or not, but for now play it safe and don't laugh at it."
Seemingly able-bodied man asked why he parked in handicap space
Replies: "I suffer from La Tourette's Syndrome, you ****ing cunt slut whore! Now eat my cock 'til you **** out my cum!
Brain-Racking Injuries on Rise, Officials Say
The Centers for Disease Control reports that the number of people injured while racking their brain has more than doubled since 2000. "People should rack their brains with care and avoid sudden movements," said CDC official Andrew Gutcheck, M.D.
Pavarotti 'Never Got to Finish Harry Potter Book'
"It was one of his greatest regrets," a family spokesman said. "We tried to read it to him, but we were only about halfway through. Now he'll never know how it ended."
Fred Thompson No-show At NH Republican Debate
Fred Thompson declined an ivitation to the Fox News NH Republican debate. However, He did offer for airing a DVD filled with clips from old movies of him acting Presidential. Fox, in an effort to be consistent, made it a no-show as well.
Jets Accuse Patriots of Spying
NY Jets demand the tape of their defensive coaches' signals to on field team to be used as evidence in firing.
Senator Larry Craig 'Reaches Out'
'Just Figuratively' this time - not under the bathroom stall again, he says.
Senator Larry Craig To Present Noball Piece Prize to Karl Rove
Award presentation to take place in Men's restroom, Minneapolis International Airport, Minneapolis, Hennepen County, Minnesota, USA
Former Collegue Launches Anagram Attack on Former Collegue
Doctor Who Ha is finally launching a fullscale anagram campaign to counter the advertising campaign professing Who Ha. The good Doctor only had this comment to make "The Daleks are in Control".
Hidden meaning found in anagram - but it doesn't make sense!
The anagram genius working on Dr Who Ha's anagram campaign is baffled by the only re-arrangment of [the daleks are in control]. All he could come up with was[disenchant alert looker]. It just doesn't make sense!
Paul McCartney Throttles Ringo With Bass String!
This a story we reported last week, but we have since discovered it to be false.
Doctor Who Ha's latest anagram attack on Expert!
Doctor Who Ha's latest anagram has revealed what he thinks of [Mr Jameison's forensic advice] "who ha" says the Doctor [Evidence of major narcissism].
O.J. Simpson announces his defense strategy: "Mark Fuhrman is a racist!"
"It worked before." notes O.J.
John Kerry Stunned By Taser Incident
Guess he shouldn't have gotten in the officers' way!
Pope Out To Lunch
Vatican officials were astounded today when US Secretary of State, Gondola Ricea, arrived for her lunch date with the Pope. Dr Ricea had to be told, with extreme diplomacy, that the Pope was already doing lunch with someone else.
The arch on the new Wembley Stadium was not supposed to lean it was revealed today. A spokesperson for Multiplex, the constructors, said 'We've known for a while but we didn't want to say anything'.
Madeleine the Movie
Producers say shows promise of being another "Never Ending Story"
Rap is Wrapped for Sir Minge
Inside sources at the Lib-Dem conference have revealed that Sir Minge Campbell, their sort of leader, was persuaded not to deliver his speech in rap form only minutes before he went on stage.
Local Man Performs Murder-Suicide, Gets It Way Wrong
Before an area man shot his wife and himself, he uttered the missive, "It is time to be with God." God, in a statement released today stated, "Um, yeeeeeah. About that..."
Larry Craig changes position on gay marriage - he's now for it
Disgraced Senator explains: "After all, for years my own wife was in a gay marriage, and she didn't even know it!"
Gordon Brown Can Juggle and Lie Simultaneously
In a true feat of acrobatics, the Prime Minister juggled five brightly coloured plastic baubles while insisting that the invasion of Iraq was necessary and justified.
Kenneth Branagh Warning
With the release of his latest Shakespeare film, the populace is warned that Kenneth Branagh may be found lurking somewhere nearby talking his usual bollocks. Try not to laugh too loudly. Just ignore him and walk away. You have been warned.
Fit Mother Britney Spears Declares Love of Child, Booze
Amid a torrent of bad parenting allegations, Britney Spears emerged from local watering hole Dave's Place, stating she loved her son Sutton Pierce with all her heart. She stated she also loves Southern Comfort.
Brian Blessed Changes Name
Brian Blessed has changed his name to Sir Laurence Olivier. He is still a crap actor.
Brian Blessed Takes Acting Lessons
In a desperate bid to stem the stream of cruel abuse about his acting talent, Brian Blessed flew to Paris and had intensive and urgent acting lessons with Peter Brook. He is still a crap actor.
Brian Blessed - Great Actor?
Brian Blessed is a crap actor. That isn't very funny but it is true. But as nothing on this site is meant to be true...Brian Blessed is a great actor. It just isn't funny, is it?
Senator Larry Craig Crazed by Vague Plague
Protests, detests, obsessed cop pest's zest in quest to molest & arrest confessed, stressed, depressed best dressed Senator in West. Requests retest.
Brian Blessed admitts his beard is fake.
Wonders why everyone hates him so much. "I'm brilliant", he insists.
Hazel's Little Secret
Hazel Blears has got a little secret. She's not going to tell anyone what it is but just watch her face. What can it be, it certainly amuses her?
SECOND COMING OF CHRIST: Jesus announces His return, in interview from Salt Lake City
"Uh-oh." says Pope.
Wife Wants Another $%#*#@ Baby
LANCASTER, California--As she watched her youngest daughter, Britney, traipse off to her first day of kindergarten, Andrea Maloney, 31, once again told husband Tom that she wants to have another baby. "Oh jeez, not this again," he reportedly said.
Bush Fire Spreads Throughout Australia
American President spontaneously combusts on trip to Oz.