Spoof news snippets from Monday 8 October 2007
The world's only human sized midget was revealed today at london's Leicester Square. The crowd went mild with anticipation.
Jo Brand is officially human, scientists discovered today after years of extensive testing.
13 out of 12 bakers failed maths.
International Weather Forecast
Temperature today will remain at a constant 2-27 degrees.
Drunk in charge of a cart
Scottish police have arrested a horse who was found to have ten times the legal limit of alcohol in its system. The police officer said the horse had denied it had been drinking. "When I asked him, he said 'neigh'."
Beagle 3 plans unveiled
Britain hopes to have another non-communicating dustbin lid on Mars by 2010.
Going, going, gone
David Dickinson was accidentally sold for 250 pounds today after a mix up in an auction room whilst filming.
Anybody found hiding in shadows or creeping quietly will be ordered to pay fifteen pounds as of today.
Apparently the Dogstar has exploded. Luckily it's not Sirius.
David Cameron's recent weight loss
Maybe he hasn't 'eton' all the pies.
Controversy In China
The Chinese government is dealing with over-population by shooting all old people at birth.
Time Team are still investigating why people buried their houses in times gone by. More info to follow.
Cruel but Fair
3 people arrested for running underground 'ugly person' baiting ring. These illegal contests are known as 'Speed Dating'. If you have any information, or you're single and lonely, call 08764 767683525254 85 4384 3784
Recent polls suggest that faith in statistics has fallen by 16%.
Boy Expecting Happy Ending Disappointed
His dog hadn't run away and gone on a grand adventure as he had been told. Rather, his parents ran it over and lied to him. Neighbors called the dog "an annoying bastard" and said "good riddance!"
Fat Wealthy Man Gets Smoking Hot Girlfriend
Three nearby gentlemen pretended as though they would not have sex with the woman in question on principles, calling her a "gold digger" while undressing her with their eyes.