Spoof news snippets from October 2007
There were 96 spoof news snippets published in October 2007. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Imaginary Pets Evolution Is Sign of the Times
Ipswich goat-fondler Clive Nascent keeps an imaginary Rhinocerous in his sock drawer. His father, Ron, had an imaginary Dodo, and his Dad, Nathan, kept a phantom Eohippus in a tiny calico bag. 'After all -Rhinos will soon be extinct so I'm keeping up the tradition' grimaced Clive.
Vast Load Disrupts Rush-Hour Traffic
Rush-hour drivers endured tailbacks on the M5 today as the 'convoi exceptional' bringing the Bishop of Gloucester back from York made painfully slow progress, but a Cathedral spokesman was unrepentant: 'these lorries really are the safest form of inter-bishopric travel'.
Fake victims thank FEMA at fake press conference
"I'm amazed at FEMA's improvement since the Hurricane Katrina disaster," said Paul Wilson, a FEMA employee who was posing as a victim of the California fires at FEMA's fake press conference...
PM Browns off Tony's kecks
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has admitted he wore Tony Blair's lucky underpants throughout last week's Labour Party conference
Controversy In China
The Chinese government is dealing with over-population by shooting all old people at birth.
Apparently the Dogstar has exploded. Luckily it's not Sirius.
"Celebrities Are Clones" Claims Clown
Celebrities are manufactured in a factory in Lupsk, it was claimed yesterday. "David Hockney & Alan Bennett; Michael Jackson & his sisters; David Dickinson, Des O'Connor & Derek Batey - they're standard models & respray jobs!" ex-clown Arthur Dandruff assured Radio Wrexham's Alan Londis, yesterday.
Charles "Hiding Like Saddam"
Prince Charles is "using doubles like Saddam did" claims Mrs Grimper, of "Ocean View" guest house. A recent lodger, claiming to be the Prince "didn't even look like 'im, and he nivver batted an eyelid when me hubby Bert asked aboot poor Diana's annivoosary."
Report reveals obesity caused by overeating
Fat people are more likely to put more food into their mouths than other people, a government survey has revealed. Prof Harrison Gonad said: 'Many fatties are not shy of the doughnut wagon.'
Report stating that 'Pets Get SAD in Winter' is Bunk!
'Of course pets don't get Seasonal Affective Disorder. What bollocks. Wouldn't you be pissed off stuck on a perch all day with idiots shouting "pretty Poll" at you and feeding you stale cake & peanuts?' fumed Polly, a depressed Parrot from Swansea. 'I mean, I'm not even a girl!'
Top up your bin with the Government's latest rubbish idea. Buy your previously free wheely bin or get 'pre pay' top up sacks with 50 free text messages and a ringtone of Gordon Brown singing 'Money, Money, Money'.
The world's only human sized midget was revealed today at london's Leicester Square. The crowd went mild with anticipation.
Slimy ageing teen fool, Peter Andre, is not actually made of plastic it was discovered today. His wife however, is, by at least 12%.
Monkey Accuses Weasel of Sexual Harassment
Weasel claims "popping" was consensual.
Menzies Campbell, old man of the Liberal Democrats has received his P45. It was delayed by the postal strikes.
Confusion Part I
Three men walked into a bar. Hilarity ensued, but not for the one that was made to look a bit of a fool.
Confusion Part II
A group of Penguins today joined a Nunnery. It spells the end for many a dubious joke, we are afraid.
Ivor the Engine
Ivor the Engine, beloved personified steam train in his own documentary will retire at the end of the year. Jones the Steam said: 'He was nothing to me. Just took the credit for everything'
The Ghost of Christmas Future
Old curmudgeon the Ghost of Christmas Future is actually Fraser from Dad's Army, and says 'Doomed!! We're all doomed'. Jones the Butcher said, 'Don't panic!! They don't like it up them!!!'
Loud actor Brian Blessed was today laid out by a bad case of man flu, and can now only whisper. His family said it was a Blessed relief (Cracker joke, circa 1973).
Rentaghost - The truth
The truth about childish drama Rentaghost was revealed earlier today. It was really not as good as we remember it being, like many things from our childhoods.
A Bull has broken all of the produce in a mirror shop. That is the last time that unlucky fool Mr Smith from Uphingham on the fritz gets his cliches mixed up. Well, that was what he said the last time, at least.
Google to Jail
A man, who googled himself today, found that he was wanted on three counts of gross negligence. He has turned himself into the Police, whilst his wife of two months collects the reward.
The canned laughter used in Sitcom 'My Family' has been released into the wild. The programmes makers face charges of animal cruelty.
Today, a hay straw was found in a needle shop. That is the last time Windy Miller mixes his cliches.
Today, a ghost writer revealed that he purposely left spelling mistakes in the books he wrote for Enud Blighton KJ Growling, and ST Elliot.
Free Newspapers are no longer free. Busy people now have to pay for sheets of paper with three pieces of lat weeks news and advertisments for products that they never knew they could not live without.
"Amnesia? I don't remember having that!"
A man who woke up today with amnesia, found himself in the pile of single socks that live in the washing machine.
Recent polls suggest that faith in statistics has fallen by 16%.
Beagle 3 plans unveiled
Britain hopes to have another non-communicating dustbin lid on Mars by 2010.
International Weather Forecast
Temperature today will remain at a constant 2-27 degrees.
13 out of 12 bakers failed maths.
Monet for Old Rope
The BBC has revealed that impressionist Claude Monet could do Frank Spencer and Bruce Forsyth so well, that he would often overdub them on radio appearances.
Peace nearly broke out in Iraq today. Luckily coalition forces were able to stamp it out quickly and clumsily.
Man puts his Wife up for Sale
Ad reads: "Wife; 11 previous owners, one spare tyre, bodywork starting to go, nice big boot."
Gaffney - Eastenders Tough Guy?
Robbie (Dean Gaffney) from Eastenders is f**king Wellard apparently. Wellard is reported to think 'he could do better'.
Miserable sod cracks one off
Jack Dee smiled yesterday. Eyewitnesses say it was hideous.
The North sea has flooded. Fish and whales are being relocated to Seaworld in California for immediate exploitation.
Wisened wordsmith Doris Lessing was today furious that her award for the Nobel Prize for Literature rudely interrupted her weekly 'big shop'.
PC World News.
Uruguay is the first country to buy the new $100 laptops for children. The laptops consist of a pen and a double sided sheet of A4 paper with a calculator stapled onto it. They are said to be 'very happy'
McCann and Will.
Having your child abducted is being recommended by the Government as a suitable method of eliviating debt, and an ideal solution for 1st time house buyers.
Bagpuss in running for Liberal Democrat
Bagpuss, resting star of his own series in the 1970's has revealed that he is in the running for Liberal Democrat Leadership. Proffessor Yaffle, a colleague of Bagpuss said 'What? I can't hear you. Where did I put my ear trumpet?'
Today, a Grizzly Bear made a picnic for a holidaying family, which put paid to their fearsome reputation.
Boffins have proven beyond doubt that water never gets any wetter.
Cruel but Fair
3 people arrested for running underground 'ugly person' baiting ring. These illegal contests are known as 'Speed Dating'. If you have any information, or you're single and lonely, call 08764 767683525254 85 4384 3784
Jo Brand is officially human, scientists discovered today after years of extensive testing.
Time Team are still investigating why people buried their houses in times gone by. More info to follow.
David Cameron's recent weight loss
Maybe he hasn't 'eton' all the pies.
Anybody found hiding in shadows or creeping quietly will be ordered to pay fifteen pounds as of today.
Going, going, gone
David Dickinson was accidentally sold for 250 pounds today after a mix up in an auction room whilst filming.
If you think the BBC should cancel all phone in votes text YES to 27777 or NO to 56777. All profits will go towards a hoverpack for the Director General.
Man Vs Machine
Stephen 'cyborg' Hawking has been voted sexiest home appliance for the third consecutive year.
Xmas Protection Group Releases New Slogan
Santa is for life, not just for Christmas
Lesser Spotted Celebrity...Spotted
Dame Edna Everage was spotted punching a horse in the 'Wild Bean Cafe', located within Slough's BP Petrol Station.
Greasy beanpole Pete Doherty was caught not taking drugs today. Fans were incensed by his betrayal.
200 tons of democracy were dropped on Iraq today.
Anti Social Clothing
Hoodys will now automatically be sold with ASBOs.
New show to be aired just after The Archers
Winchester Gangster and black-emulator, Tim Westwood, will host a new Radio 4 rap show.
Illiterate hate wielding political party the BNP are today in talks about a potential takeover bid by extreme civil rights group the Black Panthers.
Family want plastic pen tops ban (BBC)
Family of the un-fed village idiot who died eating a pen lid today called for the government to ban other 'killers' old age and cancer.
The BBC faked Sir Menzies Campbell's resignation from the nation's 3rd rate party the Liberal Democrats it was unveiled today.
'PM X-Factor a Winner!' says Cameron
Turtle-necked X-Factor Impresario Simon Cowell's proposal for a 'PM X-Factor' TV show to replace General Elections is a big hit with meretricious Tory leader David Cameron. 'After all, X-Factor is hot, and boring old politics is not!' crowed the Boy Leader yesterday.
Artist formerly known as 'Good'
Apparently a gas leak caused people to accidentally enjoy weird sex dwarf Prince's endless concerts at the O2 arena.
A selection of nails are going under the hammer at Sotheby's. They're putting up some pictures.
Iggy Pop, staunch defender of the Punk ethos has re-written his angsty anthem - 'Chairman of the Bored' to be 'Voted leader of people with a slight case of Ennui'.
Dumbledore - Not really Gay
In a story that shocked the world, JK Rowling said that Harry Potter character Dumbledore was gay, what she really meant was that he was happy.
Forty Men Arrested for Having Sex in Tennessee Public Parks
All 40 furtively inserted a guilty plea, prematurely withdrew, then, ala Larry Craig, shamelessly went into terminal denial. Numerous pairs of tap shoes recovered will soon be available for purchase on eBay.
Fat Wealthy Man Gets Smoking Hot Girlfriend
Three nearby gentlemen pretended as though they would not have sex with the woman in question on principles, calling her a "gold digger" while undressing her with their eyes.
Boy Expecting Happy Ending Disappointed
His dog hadn't run away and gone on a grand adventure as he had been told. Rather, his parents ran it over and lied to him. Neighbors called the dog "an annoying bastard" and said "good riddance!"
Drunk in charge of a cart
Scottish police have arrested a horse who was found to have ten times the legal limit of alcohol in its system. The police officer said the horse had denied it had been drinking. "When I asked him, he said 'neigh'."
Penis Enlargement Program
Today a woman received a record 203 emails offering her various penis enlargement solutions.
Ogle's Shares Reach $666
Ogle Inc is hailed as one of the hottest commodities with shares climbing to $666 mark. Spokesperson explains "Never under-estamate the power of ogling Ads"
Bush Has 30 Seconds of Clear, Unmuddled Logical Thought
The visibly disturbed War President swore never to do that again and locked himself away to watch "Gunsmoke" on DVD for a week to straighten himself out.
"Owls About That Then?"
We know that "Lady of the Lamp" Florence Nightingale kept an owl, "Athena", in her pocket. But it was Charles Darwin, with his stick insects, 'Napoleon and Wellington', who was the first eminent Victorian to maintain a 'pocket bestiary'
Artist is a Real Hoot!
Ruritanian artist Roger Rogerssen, in a radical statement about the Crimean War and the cult of celebrity, paraded around Trafalgar Square yesterday, wearing a replica "Nightingale" dress, and with a mock "Athena" poster of an owl in his pocket.
Colbert Steps Up, America Is Safe!
Stephen Colbert,author of I'm America and You Can Be Too,narrowed his beady little eyes today and told a hushed, vacant room that he was offering his lithe, tanned body and brittle mind to being ... um, President. Of these United States... soon.
Experts Say Let the Children Cough
A panel of experts recently advised against using cough and cold medicines on children under six. The panel, made up entirely of men, suggested the children just "walk it off."
Diana's Last Words: 'AAARRRRRGGGHHH'
Speculation that Princess Diana said something relevant as she lay dying were sensationally quashed today. Witnesses revealed her last words were the rather unprofound 'Aaarrrrrggghhhh.'
Dad Asks Embarrassing Questions About 'Halo 3'
OMAHA, Nebraska (HNN) -- David Volumeknob, 16, accused his father, Fred, 48, of "totally embarrassing him" in front of his friends as he played Halo 3 on the family X-Box system by asking stupid questions such as "What does that do?"
Saint Bob Geldof in 'hot water'
Sir Bob Geldof found himself in controversy yesterday after he admitted to never drinking fairly traded tea at home because he can taste the "lack of f*****g effort" in the production process.
BDSM Animals Shock RSPCA
RSPCA man Andrew Cross has appealed to BDSM enthusiasts to spare their pets. 'Last week near Keighley we had to remove an electric eel from a young lady in a bath and yesterday it took three of us all morning to remove the nipple clamps from a herd of cows at Pontefract' he complained.
Eating too much makes you fat!
A new study shows that eating too much fatty foods can lead to obesity.
T-Rex foot print found
Alistair Darling announces new dinosaur foot print party logo
Post office strike latest
Striking post office workers' P45s lost in post
Suspended Hospital Staff say it was worth it to Discover George Clooney is a Woman
Over 20 hospital staff were suspended for peeking at George Clooney's medical records after he was admitted after a motorcycle accident. Several have stated it was worth it, given the revelation that Clooney is actually 'Georgia Clooney'.
BBC News 25/8
BBC have launched their new News Channel, which will operate 25hrs a day, 8 days a week in a bid to boost viewers.
The Dog Whisperer
Today the dog whisperer yelled.
Listen to Your Mother
A boy from Keighley, West Yorkshire has grown potatoes in his ears. After months of telling her son to clean his ears his Mum found a few Marie Pipers.
Curt Schilling to be Devalued
The Boston Red Sox announced today that if the team does not make it to the World Series their starting pitcher Curt Schilling will be devalued. He will be known as Curt Ninepence after Thursday.
The warbling bearded plum aka singer James Blunt is endorsing a new range of monogrammed tea towels, fish knives and egg spoons. When asked to commment, he told our reporter, "Fwah na pwah de popo tiddley tiddly, what-what!" Whatever that means.
Cowell Encourages Idiots
A lenghty study from the Office of National Statistics has revealed that people who watch X Factor are idiots. There were no other findings.
How old is old.....
Heard on Tv today...Bargain Hunt:-
That antique is a bit dated now !
'I am a murderer' confesses Blair
'I killed that old woman in Wolverhampton in '78. They never found the body. I wanted money for cider. It still bothers me. Sometimes I want to kill again' said Colin Blair, a homeless alcoholic in Leicester, last night at 03:45.
Hillary trips, breaks hip
Hillary was released earlier toady from the hospital afer tripping over a kneeling intern going around Bill's desk. Doctor's say she will be back on the campaign trail within a week, bending Obama over the barrel in Iowa.
Rep. Dennis Kucinich Acknowledges Sighting UFO
Sighting, hell, he was driving it!
The Sun Prints True Story
The Sun today printed a story which was actually true. More to follow...wait...no...that's it.