Spoof news snippets from Friday 9 November 2007
New Government plans
New Government plans were revealed today, for three way streets in parts of Devon and Rhyll.
Best selling author Maurice Sendak is to be sued for not answering the question implied in his book 'Where the wild things are'.
Mr and Mrs Ty from Glasgow are to be sued by their son Nump for cruelty.
Straw Hats Still Not 'The Thing'
Straw hats are still unfashionable, according to style guru Leonardino Trestle. 'A beret or a tricorn felt hat, yes. The straw boater, no', said Trestle at a Workington Comets speedway match last night, where he was wearing a tartan corduroy snood with matching mittens.
Imaginary Dog 'No Bother'
Mrs Irma Tusk, 72, was worried that staff and residents at Hexham Residential Care Home 'The Yews' would react badly to her imaginary Jack Russell, Toby. But she needn't have bothered. 'It's no problem', said manager Martin Goebbels, 35. 'Toby's so quiet you wouldn't know he was there!'
'Winter will be hard' Says Farmer
Llangollen farmer Iestyn Prytherch, 48, reckons we are in for a severe winter. 'The crows are burrowing early, and that's a bad sign', he said yesterday. When it was pointed out that he had moles and not crows in his lawn, Prytherch retorted 'Crows or moles, the big thing is the early burrowing.'
Sham Nelson Turned Away
A man dressed as Lord Nelson was thrown out of Penzance's 'Hearts of Oak' pub last night. 'I knew right away he wasn't the real Nelson' said Landlord George Pumice, 63. 'His bad arm was on the wrong side.'
Counterfeit Nelson Arrested
Nelson impersonator Colin Hessenthaler, 56, was arrested outside St Ives church yesterday. Hessenthaler, who had travelled from Lowestoft overnight, had prevented vicar Maurice Hardy from leaving, crying 'beat to quarters, Hardy!' and holding the door shut.