Spoof news snippets from May 2007
There were 123 spoof news snippets published in May 2007. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Pouty Paris Protests Puppyless Prison Policy
"Tender, tiny Tinkerbell tends to tear. If I'm incarcerated, it'll eat 'er insides."
Scientists have new results from cannabis studies...
...but can't remember what they are.
FREE PARIS HILTON!
in every box of crunchy nut cornflakes.
New website launched for selling your own organs.
It's called ME-BAY!
Wiccans turn Cal Jennings into Lizard
CCN - TheSpoof.com writer Cal Jennings was turned into a lizard by Wiccans today. "Those damn pagan idol worshipers will get theirs when Jerry Falwell makes his second coming," said Cal Jennings.
CIA Official Admits 9/11 a Hoax
CCN - Former Assistant Defense Secretary Richard Perle has testified that 9/11 is a hoax. He said that Tenet is trying to shift the blame for 9/11. White House are scrambling to figure out how Bush is going to get out of this one.
The cruelty of atheism
Atheism is cruel because it's offensive to God
President Bush Laughed At During Coast Guard Academy Speech
CCN - President Bush gave a speech to the United States Coast Guard Academy where he was almost laughed off the stage before he could talk about the War in Iraq being essential to America.
Bush Ok's Blair to Allow Blue at Wedding
CCN - Today, George Bush said that it was alright for Blair to wear a little blue at their wedding if he wanted. Blair had feared that wearing blue at the wedding would upset the Red State leader. All guests are relieved that blue is no longer banned.
Gay Whales spotted at Golden Gate Bridge
San Francisco - Two gay whales were spotted swimming toward the Golden Gate Bridge. They were reportedly there after hearing about the Freakers Ball when gay S&M VECO/BP supertanker captain was listening to his Dr. Hook CD. They were disappointed that it isn't until October.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Makes Bid for President
CCN - Washington, D.C. - Showing that he is the only Republican with any common sense, Arnold Schwarzenegger put in his bid for president.
Bush Declares the Earth Fat
CCN - Upon finding that the Earth weighs around 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons, President Bush declared that the Earth is too fat and suggested that it go on a diet.
The Spoof's Queen Mudder Ponders Taking Some Time Off for Mother's Day
May only produce 3 or 4 stories instead of her usual daily output of 5 or 6.
Bush to Wear White Tie
CCN - President Bush has agreed to wear a white tie to meet Queen Elizabeth II after being cut off by Laura.
Sheryl Crow Celebrates Mother's Day with Newly Adopted Son
Holds him close and croons, "Just in time, I found you just in time....."
When Charlie gives Camilla one, is it a camshaft?
Ron Paul Kicked Out of Republican Party
CCN - Ron Paul was kicked out of the Republican Party today for being too Republican. The New Nazi Republicans were delighted at his removal since Paul was ahead of all of them in the polls.
NATO threatens 'total war' with Russia
"Up to a million civilians may die on each side," NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer admitted, "but we must protect Estonia's websites from defacement..."
Bird-flu chicken pleads for life
"It's just a bit of a cold" he begs.
Mystery Solved: Why are all Alien Abductees American?
Alien insider reveals 'Americans are the ones we put back'.
British Hacker's 69 Year Sentence Reduced
Court takes into account 30 years already served in his bedroom.
Prince William held on rape charge
Prince William has been arrested after a farmer claimed he caught the Prince flattening swathes of an oil seed rape crop whilst searching for a lost golf ball
The Spoof Invaded By Daleks
After being exposed for fixing thick brummy IQ scores, Dalek leader, and head of Mensa, Professor Dalek Squawking called on his Dalek army to invade TheSpoof.com. Since the invasion, every page on the site been invaded. This particular brand of Dalek looks remarkably like Professor Stephen Hawking.
Climate Change Report: "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes".
Top climatologists proceed to do so.
Meteor Headed For Earth
NASA identified a meteor that is likely to hit the Earth within a few days. It is expected to strike somewhere between Los Angeles and San Francisco, fulfilling prophecies about Sodom and Gomorrah.
ExxonMobil head fired for making crude comments
In what is the latest public episode in unguarded celebrity offensive comments, the CEO of ExxonMobil, Rex W. Tillerson, has resigned under fire after declaring that "America could use more crude."
Texas Man Charged With Stealing $250G Worth of Skittles Candy
Authorities say it's the worst case of "marijuana munchies" they're ever encountered.
BBC in Scientology row
John Sweany calls Scientologist lunatics a bunch of daft cults
Scientologists hit back at BBC
"We are not a cult" says cult leader
Nigerian Scammer Scammed by Nigerian Email Scam
Owa Tafoo Liyam, himself a Nigerian email scam artist admitted yesterday that he was tricked into sending $240 to a fellow scammer on hearing he'd won a lottery he didn't remember entering.
Youths Arrested for Drinking Battery Acid and Eating Fireworks
(Nebraska) - One charged, the other let off.
Pentagon says Iraq 'Surge' is Working
"We're setting records in numbers of killed and wounded. Unfortunately of course, they ARE our OWN killed and wounded. We're still trying to turn that around, four years and counting."
President Is Sex Fiend Claims Laura Bush
"Heck, all that guy ever does is screw up!"
Barney May Be Planning Oval Office Coup
He's quite aware he's smarter and has way more balls than Bush.
President Outlaws All Ferry Boats In US
"That's just just going too damned far! No way I'm ever gonna let 'em get away with having their own fricking navy!" says Bush.
Boy George arrested for allegedly chaining male escort to the wall
We can only imagine where he hid the key.
US Congress Furious Over Iraqi Lawmakers' Plan to Take Summer Break
They can't believe they didn't think of the idea in the first place.
Jewish Rabbis Worldwide Accused of Discrimination
...for expressing a universal desire to bar Mitzvah. Mr. Mitzvah has not answered repeated calls for comments.
Rooney wins Desperate Dan contest
Man Utd's star striker was beaten to the Player of the year accolade but not this one.
UVF renounces violence
End to years of murder and misery as UVF quit terrorism saying they can no longer compete with animal rights activists.
Wrong Body Buried in Ohio Mix-Up
Guess you could say they were DEAD WRONG.
Rosie O'Donnell Already Has Offers From NBC and CBS
Question is: which one will win the bidding war to keep her off the air altogether?!
Pandemonium in Iraq as legal system collapses
Lawmakers not lawnmowers: Bush sends grass cutting equipment by mistake
Clairvoyant wins lottery again.
A worker at Camelot Group plc claims to have powers to see in to the future.
Woman forced to leave home in Colorado
Round Hole Colorado - Peg Square a resident was evicted by fellow townsfolk because she really didn't fit in.
Corrupt Bastards of Alaska Growing Desperate
The Corrupt Bastards Club of Alaska panics as authorities close in. Now calling themselves "Alaska Bastards'Corruption Club". GW Bush named as 'honorary member'in bid to defuse investigation.
Corrupt Bastards Arrested In Alaska
Three members of Alaska's Corrupt Bastard Club arrested. Claim it is huge mistake, Actually is 'Corrupt Bastard Caucus & 'honorable Republican tradition'.
Prince Phillip: I hate the blacks
In a rare behind-the-scenes TV interview, the relaxed prince told of how his favourite sweets are midget gems, although he can't bear the licquorice ones.
Bin Laden: I love The Office
Osama Bin Laden has revealed that The Office is his favourite TV show. The heart-throb told reporters whilst in London to promote a new terror campaign.
Branson launches female escort service
Richard Branson has launched a new female escort agency called 'Virgin Women'. The new company will compete against rival Stelios's 'Easy Women'.
New Jersey man's life story to debut on Broadway
Eugene Words of Exit 12 NJ will have his life story adapted for a play on Broadway. NY Times critic Arnold B'Ananafanna was very skeptical about any future success saying, who would go to look at a play on Words.
Tornado hits Birmingham
A tornado measuring over a mile in width has swept through Birmingham. Early reports say the 200 mph winds have caused "billions of pounds worth of improvements."
Jamie Foxx to play Hawking
Multi-talented superstar Jamie Foxx is to play Steven Hawking in a film about the astro-physicist's life. Speaking of Hawking, Foxx said: "I truly dig dat spaz".
Redundancies at Tracey Island
International Rescue have announced that they are in consultation with unions over job losses after product development manager Brains left the company to Join Stingray.
Boy George: I'm gay
Eighties pop icon Boy George has stunned fans by announcing that he's homosexual. The notorious hard man told music website NME.com that it felt good to finally come out of the closet.
Google launches 'google ass wipe'
Internet giant Google has announced an ass wiping service. The new function further strengthens the company's dominance of the online market.
Kent quake cost $80m
It's been revealed that last week's tremor off the coast of Kent cost the government $80m. Tory leader David Cameron reacted to the news by saying 'what a waste of money - if anything it did more harm than good'.
Smurfette caught in prostitution sting!
"They are after me because I'm the only female Smurf, Hell Fairy Smurf turns more smurfing tricks than I do"
Arkansas Mom Prepares for Birth of 17th Child
Says she thought about stoppin' at 'forty-leven,' but now she's sure she'll stop havin' 'em when the number reaches 'umpteen.'
Bush: Queen touched me
President Bush says that the Queen's speech at the end of her State visit touched him deeply. The Queen said of Mr Bush 'he's a bit simple'.
After Leaked Drunken Video, Hasselhoff Loses Teenage Daughter Visitation Rights
The judge neglected to deny Hasselhoff visitation rights to his closest buddies: Jim Beam, Jack Black Johnny Walker Red.
Mandella given ASBO
Nelson Mandella has been served with an Anti-Social Behaviour Order after attacking his former golf partner. The ageing anarchist struck out after his parnter caused a par tied situation.
Porno Released Without Clever Double-Entendre Title
Homeland Security Tries New Tactic in Illegal Immigration War
Will use old technology to brand "I-A" on foreheads of captured male illegals. Will demand proof of circumcision for Males, VD screening for females.
Rains Pelt Midwest
Women and minorities are hardest hit as raging rivers run rampant!
U.S Invades Itself
The U.S Army, at the direction of George Bush, invaded the U.S today. White House sources denied Bush was only doing it for the oil in Texas.
Pro Bass Fisherman to Take Time Off to Relax
Will write lines of computer code and solve differential equations to unwind.
Los Angeles icon The Laugh Factory to be closed
The Laugh Factory, famous for starting out many comics will close this weekend. Due to the weak marketplace for laughs and intense global competition, all manufacturing of laughs will be moved offshore.
Japan ends whale hunts
Japanese officials say they have successfully harpooned several hundred rare whales they claim were hunting fish.
Sting says he's misunderstood
No - I said I'm interested in frantic sex
Boris Johnson joins eco craze
Tory twerp invests in a lunar based wind farm
Washington DC Sex Scandal Coverup
Judge: "It can't be sexy if it's all covered up"
Iraq War Policy Wonks At A Loss
"What can you do when everything is constantly overruled by the idiots in charge?"
New Iraq War Policy
Bush decrees "Death to all suiciders!"
Anagrams reveal truth behind scientology
Brilliant anagramist unscrambles the meaning behind the word Scientology... it's just code for: 'Gets oily con'
Illinois 10-Month-Old Issued Firearm Owner's Identification Card
Simultaneously he was enlisted in the Illinois National Guard and as soon as he packs his diaper bag, he'll be off to serve in the "infantry" in Iraq.
'Maury' Daytime Talk Show Sports New Theme Song
'Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby' will air as DNA results are revealed.
Children's Book Writer in Hot Water Over Suggestive Comment to 10-Year-Old Girl
Apparently, he suggested she read his book!
Bush Now Says 'Surge' in Iraq Was Mistake
"What I meant to say was, 'we must "emerge" from Iraq'. Sorry."
Jewish woman has a sex change
She had a Bar Mitzvah, because she had become a man
GOP renamed as "CBC"
Grand Old Party takes advantage of all free publicity surrounding Corruupt Bastards Club. Bush orders another CC & coke.
Elsie Returns to Borden
Elsie the cow has returned to Borden Dairy after a corporate downsizing was reversed. A spokesperson for Borden says that letting Elsie go was an udder failure on the public relations front.
Mark Cuban to sell Dirk Nowitsky on Ebay
After their first round playoff loss, Mavericks owner Mark Cuban vowed to sell star forward Dirk Nowitsky to the highest bidder on Ebay. No word yet if there will be a reserve price set for this bidding.
Queen shot dead in Afghanistan
HM the Queen has been killed in Afghanistan after the convoy she was commanding was attacked by taliban rebels. This takes the total Queen death toll in the country to 1 since hostilities started.
Reid to die in summer
Home Secretary John Reid has announced that he will take his own life when Tony Blair steps down next week. Mr Reid cited a 'broken heart' as the reason behind his decision.
Mourinho: God isn't 'all that'
The Chelsea boss hits out at God Almighty in his new biography, saying that his current side could do a better job of creating a universe.
A-Team in Iraq
Sources reveal the fabled crime time are again active. They were deployed to Baghdad at the personal request of President Bush, who was "impressed by these folk's work" in the 80's.
Rich man wins croquet game
A wealthy man has won a croquet game in the grounds of a stately home in Surrey. The man beat a number of other wealthy men to claim victory.
Noel Edmonds badly injured in gun battle
Popular TV host Noel Edmonds has been seriously wounded in a shoot-out at his home in Crinkley Bottom. Police want to question a large pink man with yellow spots about the incident.
US to invade Britain
President Bush has vowed to attack Great Britain if Tony Blair steps down next week. Mr Bush made the threat after meeting with Gordon Brown for the first time.
Italy 'confused' over war
Italy's Prime Minister Romano Prodi has admitted that the intense in-fighting between dozens of groups in Iraq has caused confusion over which fence his country should sit on.
Campbell: We won
Fears are growing for the mental health of Lib Dem leader Sir Menzies Campbell after he insisted his party performed 'very, very well' in last week's local elections.
Doherty in arrest shock
Smackhead Pete Doherty has shocked fans after it was revealed he hasn't been arrested in the last few days.
Canadian Spy Coins dupe CIA
Canadian commemorative quarters played a bizzarre role in intelligence gathering over the last month. Overheard at CIA HQ at Langley VA was a senior staffer downplaying the incident as not making much cents at all.
New Anti-illegal Immigrant fence Called 'American Maginot Line'
"And just as damned useless" said detractors. "illegals will simply go around as they did the original Maginot Line which didn't work either."
Bush appoints new 'War Zarr'
Cheney says he will actually be 'Uberkommandant" over entire war effort, and 'not to be confused with Secretary of Defense' who will be in charge of 'Homeland Defense' only.
Steakhouse Owner Refuses to Serve O.J. Simpson
Restauranteur would not be responsible for potentially poisoning a patron with such a peculiar palate.
Trees not environmentally friendly
Cleaning up leaves leads to unnecessary carbon emissions says expert.
How do you solve a problem like diarrhoea
New West End musical sponsored by Imodium. Tickets on prescription only
God: Reds don't have the depth
God Almighty has tipped Italy's Inter Milan to beat Liverpool in the European Champion's League cup final. Speaking from a cloud the deity said: I just think Milan have got a stronger overall squad