Spoof news snippets from March 2007
There were 103 spoof news snippets published in March 2007. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
First Presidential hopeful withdraws from Democratic Party nomination process...
...leaving only 125,314 candidates remaining.
President George W. Bush views tornado destruction in Enterprise, Alabama and is upset at the scene
"I couldn't locate the bodies of Kirk or Spock anywhere and was hoping to find me one of those phaser thingies."
News of 218 pound eight year old being taken from parents for negligence causes mixed reactions
Fat Albert goes on sugar eating binge due to jealousy
President Bush sets personal record by going three days without saying something stupid.
Doctors blame the problem on laryangitis.
Speedy Alka Seltzer caught sipping Pepto Bismol
He comes out of the closet and admits that "I like being in the pink."
"Rent a Wife" says she'll do housecleaning, sewing, and dishes, but no sex.
Men wonder what makes that different than most marriages.
Middle East: Iraq to change name to Iram.
Olympic athletes have had enough of trailing Iran in opening ceremonies.
Anna Nichol Smiths DNA on EBay
Send in the clones.
Portrait of Queen Elizabeth II Appears on The Spoof
The Palace demanded it, since many people think that Helen Mirren is "The Queen."
Barron William Trump Celebrates First Birthday
Buys three properties in Manhattan, says "You're fired" to his nanny, hangs an even bigger American flag on his Florida home, and sends a nasty e-mail to Rosie O'Donnell.
FDA Says Sleep Medications May Cause Strange Behaviors
Many of The Spoof's writers wake up in the morning and find they've submitted several stories, but they have no memory of writing them. And no interest in reading them.
Secret Service Nabs Man with a Package Climbing White House Fence
His defense? "Just trying to deliver a large pie with pepperoni."
Vincent ("Sleepin' with the Fishes") Pastore Wants to Come Back to "Dancing with the Stars"
Plans to whack a current contestant and make a triumphant return.
Author Terry ("How Stella Got Her Groove Back") McMillan Sues Ex-husband
Claims Stella didn't get her groove back after all.
Houdini Will Be Exhumed
Plans to audition for "Dancing with the Stars" at the earliest opportunity.
Woman Has Nipple on Bottom of Foot
Finds it quite convenient to put her feet up and nurse her newborn.
Mouse Takes Man's Dentures
The mouse wanted to put some teeth into an argument he was having with his wife.
New Yorkers Wonder Why The Teletubbies Are Visiting Their City
Don't ask, don't tell.
.xxx Suffix for Sexy Websites Still Under Consideration
By Al Gore, founder of the Internet.
Launch of Space Shuttle Atlantis Postponed
NASA claims Atlantis was damaged in a hail storm, but rumor is that renegade astronauts were responsible for the damage.
Motorists Outraged that Silicon is Found in Fuel Tanks
"No way should they hire garage mechanics with breast implants that leak!"
Prince Charles Thinks McDonalds Should Be Banned . . . .
. . . . And McDonalds thinks Prince Charles should be banned.
The Spoof's Writers Cannot Stop Writing Stories about Easter Island
Administrators of The Spoof say this is a serious, contagious illness. They advise bed rest, lots of alcoholic fluids, and staying away from contaminated places such as The Spoof's Discussion Forum.
Hillary Clinton Appalled about Implosion of Las Vegas Stardust Hotel
"The result of another vast, right-wing conspiracy," she declared.
Viacom Claims Copyright Infringement, Sues YouTube and Google
Snippets of the court proceedings will be available on YouTube.
Son Born to Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott
Liam Aaron emerges from the womb and asks his mom and dad if he'll get billing on the reality TV show, Tori & Dean: Inn Love, featuring their new bed and breakfast.
Real news too bizzare
The Spoof online newspaper may have to close, as the real news is deemed to becoming too bizarre to compete with!
Apple release new gadget to help people organise themselves better.
Its called the i-DIOT.
Al Qaeda suspect confesses to role in New Coke disaster
The suspect, Walid bin Attash, testified the bad-tasting soda was part of an elaborate terror plot so Coca Cola could exchange cane sugar for corn syrup in Classic Coke...
Tainted Pet Food Scare in North America
Lassie returns from the dead to say he may have been poisoned. Demands an inquest into his death, with coverage on Entertainment Tonight, Court TV, and Access Hollywood.
"Dancing with the Stars" Has a New Name
Since two dancers have already quit, the show will now be called "Dancing with Has-been Celebrities Who Survive the Rehearsals."
"Wild Hogs" a Smash Hit at the Box Office
Uh....Is that the one about a rogue group of Spoof writers?
Spoof writer infiltrates 700 Club
and unmasks protein-defying ageing pancake salesman Pat Robertson as the son of Fanny Craddock and Mr Pastry
Massive Quantity of Ice Found on Mars
Good! Since the earth is rapidly warming, let's hope that the UFOs arriving from Mars bring lots of ice for us.
Australian Scientists Make Dresses from Wine Fermentation Bacteria
Guys are advised to find themselves dates who are willing to sing as well as wear these dresses. Wine, women and song -- all in one package!
Missing 12-year-old Boy Scout Found Alive in North Carolina
Had wandered away from the campsite in search of Angelina Jolie, hoping she would adopt him.
Giuliani Endorsed for President by Steve Forbes
Rudy also gets a one-year subscription to Forbes magazine.
General Peter Pace Apologizes for Calling Homosexuality Immoral
Says he meant to say "immortal."
Mystery Couple Rescued After Falling Off Cruise Ship
Turns out to be Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, rehearsing for their first post-Titanic movie appearance together.
BBC and YouTube Form a Partnership
Viacom, spurned partner of YouTube, is in grief counseling.
Salmonella Scare Extends to Some Peanut Butter Ice Cream and Toppings
And also to squirrel stew, if there's a chance that the squirrels ate contaminated peanuts or peanut butter products.
The Moon Clothed Itself in Red.....
The world called it a lunar eclipse, but WE know it was clearly a celebration for Spoof writer Queen Mudder and her 666th story, "Sympathy for the Devil."
Indian Businessman Arun Nayar Has Dinosaur Named for New Wife, Elizabeth Hurley
It's called Dumpedgrantasaurus.
David Beckham Hurts Knee
Audition for "Dancing with the Stars" is canceled.
Coming soon to a venue near you....
....one of many wedding ceremonies between Elizabeth Hurley and Arun Nayar.
Rachael Ray Bitten By a Dog in NYC
So far the dog has suffered no ill effects, but he HAS gotten perkier.
To Control Depression, Rosie O'Donnell Hangs Upside Down
But how can we prevent the depression she CAUSES in us?
Captain America Dead!
His fans predict that he will rise from the dead -- hopefully before paternity issues, details of his will, and final burial plans are settled.
Antonella Barba Booted from 'American Idol'
Conspiracy exposed between Barba and The Spoof's writer Breeze: Barba posed nude and then Breeze (a disgrace to the Leprechaun community) wrote about it -- vaulting himself to the No. 1 slot in the list of top writers on The Spoof.
In 2003 a U.S. City Changed Name of 'Easter' Bunny to 'Spring' Bunny
Just hearing the news today, the "Whatever-His-Name-Is" Bunny collapsed and is now unable to hop or distribute chocolate eggs.
The Spoof's Writers Maligned in Breeze's Latest Rant Are Suing, Alleging Character Defamation
The writers NOT included in Breeze's rant are also suing, claiming discrimination was involved in their exclusion.
TV's 'Law and Order' May Switch Venue from NY to Wash., D.C.
If Fred Thompson (D.A. Arthur Branch) is elected U.S. President.
Angelina changes Vietnamese son's name
Angelina has changed her son's name from "can't remember now" to Pax which means PEACE in latin (which he can't speak anyway). Guess she is giving Brad a PEACE offering after the telling off she gave him. Does he want it though?
Condor spots The Spoof
It was discovered that the CIA has put 3 agent on to monitor and assess the popular site www.TheSpoof.com. They feel that some parodies have displayed scenarios too close to truth for comfort.
Pope is Pissed
Pope's principle position pertaining to pill popping politicos is primarily and profoundly pissed and preponderantly PO'd. Prays, prepares, perseveres for prosecutions.
Coke Not "The Real Thing" According to Addicts Suing for False Advertising
Plaintiffs undaunted by the fact that the slogan hasn't been used in decades.
Film stars - "no panties rules"
A new bill has been passed by George Bush (he has Bill Clinton's approval) that all film stars (preferably actresses and not actors) will no longer keep their celebrity status unless they are "knickerless".
Some Muslim cashiers at Minnesota Target store refuse to scan pork products
Jewish cashiers are mulling over the idea. In spite of the blatant disrespect, pigs remain fat, dumb and happy.
Cannibal Cult Leader Faces Death Penalty
Witnesses say he's "eaten up" with guilt.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
Sanjaya "Removed" from Idol Competition
"American Idol" audience members were first shocked, but then erupted in exuberant applause during the performance of "You Really Got Me" by Sanjaya when Ray Davies jumped out of the crowd during the song and beat him into a coma. Prosecutors are not expected to file charges.
Study: Chinese Restaurant Food Is Unhealthy
What DOES one feed a Chinese restaurant anyway???
Anna Nicole Smith: The Latest
She's still dead.
To all you virgins out there: Thanks for nothing!
The US Surgeon General says if sex is a 'pain in the ass' for you, you are doing it wrong.
God's Phone Call
Pope Benedict upset that latest call from God routed through Salt Lake City
An African water purification plant has just recently burst into flames, Investigators baffled.
Rumsfeld Calls for Gonzales's Damn Resignation This Time
Citing a lack of desire to go down in history as the only significant ousted official from the George W. Bush administration, former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today called on Attorney General Roberto Gonzalez to resign.
From all the virgins out there: You're welcome
Michigan Man Sentenced to Jail After Sex Pact With Girlfriend, 15-Year-Old Daughter
Hmmmm...Must be originally from West Virginia if his girlfriend is his daughter...
Investigation shows Department of Homeland Security to be a fraud. Not really a 'Department', never at 'Home', not to mention 'land', and can't define or spell 'Security'. "Just another administration rip-off." according to top Democrat.
Pope: Hell Is a Real Place Where Sinners Burn in Everlasting Fire
But who'd have thought that so many pervert priests would be so "hellbent" on finding out the hard way...?!
Britney Ordered to Don Underwear
A federal judge in Los Angeles issued a warrant ordering Britney Spears not to appear in public without underwear. Emergency order issued to preserve ink and bandwidth due to massive prurient reporting
US Couple Use Baby As Car Payment
- "An 'arm & a leg' would of been too inhumane."
Girls Caught On Tape Robbing Bank
- See newest 'Girls Gone Wild' video part#5, "Gone Shopping!"
Anna Nicole Smith's Mom Drops Bid for Body
Man, they'll put ANYTHING on eBay these days!!
Tennessee High School Students Make Porn Film Between Classes
They claimed it was the class project their Sex Ed course.
Arrest Close in 'Barbie Bandits' Case
Anonymous sources tell SpoofNews that it was Ken who came forward, claiming it was revenge for her and Skipper dumping him.
Florida Man Claims Chicken Burrito Paralyzed him
Making it impossible for him to cross the road.
Jacko Charging $3,500 30 Second Visits At Exclusive Party
Kids are free.
LA Carjacked Couple Left Naked
On their way to a nudist colony sleep-over, how else would you expect them to "dress"??
Groom Accused of Trying to Run Over Wife After Honeymoon in Vegas
Apparently, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, but sometimes it lands you in jail....in Vegas.
Teacher Denies She Taught Kids Witchcraft
Says they learned to spell on their own.
Chaney, Eskimo, off to the Yukon
Following the Guilty Verdict in the Scooter Libby trial, Vice President Dick Chaney has reportedly embarked on a hunting trip with Eskimo Rapper "Yo Bitch - Cook the Fish"
400 Down, 575 To Go
Manuel Uribe, who once weighed half a ton, gets a lift on his first trip outside in five years. Where to, you might ask. Why, McDonald's, of course. Local fast food restaurants have gone on full alert.
EU To Look At Cloned Meat Safety - meat reproduces
Cloning a lamb chop, a steak or a hot dog may seem disturbing but the idea of two beef sausages 'getting it on' could turn even the most red-blooded carnivore to salad.
Bird Flu Strikes Again! Huey, Dewey and Louie...now Just Dewey.
"Of course I miss them..." Dewey said, "...they were my brothers. But look, I stand to inherit a lot from a certain uncle who's pretty old, and with them out of the picture I'm going to be swimming in it."
Paris Hilton sex tape shock! It's not actually that good.
Jack (34) found that it was "kinda green..." and "...sometimes she looks a little bored."
Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Not Naked Today. Media Forced To Report News.
In a rare, and boring, day for media and lonely internet surfers, both Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have managed to stay completely covered up.
Sylvester Stallone Not So Sly
It turns out Human Growth Hormone doesn't help your brain to grow.
Heather Mills strikes well-wisher.
After a fan told Heather Mills to break a leg, she removed her prosthetic and hit him over the head with it.
There are 65,000 Gays and Lesbians Serving in the U.S. Armed Forces
Who asked...and WHO TOLD?????
Photos of Pop Tart Britney Spears' Bare Butt About to Be Released
But they're so close up, it'll be hard to tell the difference since she shaved her head.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell... For God's Sake Don't Comment.
Peter Pace Picks a Public Place for Prejudice.
Bush Sues Chavez
President Bush sues for 80 Gigalbillion bucks in International Court for being called '**** For Brains'by Venezuela's Hugo Chavez- threatens invasion by reason of insanity.
Tom Cruise to attempt MI IV
Tom Cruise has alerted media at his attempt to outdo M. I. III with M.I. IV, doing his own stunt work live on Posh's reality show. Tom is to show the world how he impregnated Katie (he's sterile according to exes Nicole & Mimi) by doing the "deed" live & producing baby number two!
CIA Spooks Infiltrate US Congress
- "N.A.A.C.P. pleased!"
Covert U.S. Funds Being Funneled To Al Qaeda
- "We tried to reach Al, but, he wasn't returning phone calls!"
Atheists in America Increasing
- "GOD calls them 'oxy-morons who need prayer'. "I mean really, whoever heard of a "Non-believing believer".
Huge Slaughter of Pet Dogs in China Planned
On a related note, there will soon be a surge in all-you-can eat Chinese restaurants.