Spoof news snippets from Monday 18 June 2007
Congressional Ethics Panel Rules Tribal Armband Tatoos "Unoriginal"
Aspiring gym teachers and self-proclaimed Badasses were seen to weep as the ruling was read. A coalition of actual Maori tribesmen seeks to have the ruling reversed, saying "We did it first!"
Bush "Not the Father"
A crying Tammy Brown was shattered to learn that President George W. Bush was "not the father" of her baby before a live studio audience on Maury Povich. Said Bush, "Pimpin' ain't easy, and sometimes it ain't fun either."
Olympic Name Drop
The International Olympic Committee has asked the UK to remove the words "Olympic Games" from the 2012 event to be held in London. They fear the use of a distorted swastika as a logo will be detrimental to the movement's image. The event will now be called the "2012 Fun and Games".
Iran copies ITV's "Britain's Got Talent"
"The favourite to win is the suicide ventroloquist, Asif Iwood, whose puppet is a talking hand grenade called Abdul Pulldipinowt." Reported Iran TV critic, Minz Meet. "We've booked him on a round-the-country tour of Israel."
Rose West given MBE
"It's for her charity work inside prison," defended the Queens Spokesman, Sweeney Todd.
BBC Not Biased towards "liberal viewpoint" and "lefty, ethnic minority gay workforce."
"It's patently untrue," said BBC Spokeswoman and Guardian columnist, Pansy McGandhi. "We advertise jobs in both The Homosexual Immigrant Worker AND The Lesbian Muslim Times."
Teddy Sheringham Denies Lying to Police
"I'm 41 years old," said the 61 year-old footballing legend.
Nude Photos Of A Young Queen Elizabeth Found
"I was quite the little hottie back then!"
Foreign Lorry Driver Breaks World Record for Most Days Without Sleep
Romanian driver, Nasti Flemikov, admitted driving on Britain's roads for 29 days without sleep delivering cuddly toys to funfairs. "I had no choice. If I didn't my firm would have killed my family!"
Connie Talbot in Bar Brawl
Reports of last night's loser of "Britain's Got Talent" in bar brawl with the "Cheeky Bits" denied by the six-year old's parents.