Spoof news snippets from July 2007
There were 63 spoof news snippets published in July 2007. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Corrupt Bastards Club Intervenes in Cattle Pollution
CCN - Lord Browne, the BP member of the Corrupt Bastards Club, was sent to reduce the amount of methane produced by cattle.
Britain Flood Update
It's still raining.
Captain Marvel Dies. Superhero Spoof Writer Mourns.
CCN - Cal-el, who some know as TheSpoof.com writer Cal Jennings, mourns the death of Captain Marvel.
Dennis Kucinich Teams Up with Ron Paul
CCN - Dennis Kucinich teamed up with Ron Paul today to form the Unity Party after both were kicked out of the parties in which they were trying to run.
Republicans Change Party Symbol to Chicken
CCN - "The Internets" - All but two of the Republican presidential hopefuls have turned down the one debate being hailed as the format created by the American people. As a result, the party symbol has been changed from an elephant to a chicken.
George Bush Called Best President EVER!
CCN - According to a writer in India, George Bush will be remembered as the best president EVER! Of course, India hasn't been affected much by Bush.
Superstar Singer Usher Cancels Wedding
He's quoted as saying, "Hey, I didn't know I was expected to be the groom. I was planning on being just an usher."
Husband of five years too embarassed to ask his wife what her name is
"I think it's Kathy or Kerry or something like that..." says area husband Michael Klein. "I'm hoping to find out by asking her to name our daughter after her when she goes into labour next week".
U.S. Senate Has All-Night Session to Discuss Iraq War
President Bush is glad he didn't have to attend. "I always hated pajama parties," he said.
The Spoof Writers Can't Stop Producing Stories about The Spoof Movie
Mark Lowton, owner of The Spoof, laments: "They're out of control. There seems to be a strong and contagious virus infecting anyone who visits The Spoof forum."
World's Tallest Man Weds in Mongolia
Next up: Man with World's Tiniest Hands Weds Woman with World's Largest Breasts.
Hamas announces that it wants to terrorize other people
After numerous decades of attacking Israel, the Palestinian militant group Hamas has announced that it wants terrorize other people. The group neither confirmed nor denied that its decision was influenced by Israel's much publicized skirmish with Hezbollah last summer.
US Air Force begs for "swift withdrawal" from Iraq
"We need all of our Airmen on the home front so they can fight in the war against identity theft," said an Air Force general...
Katie Couric Doubts CBS move; Blames Chairs
Katie Couric announced today that she sometimes has serious doubts about her move to CBS, stating 'their chairs make my ass hurt'.
Bottled Water Unsafe for Environment
It's been determined bottled water contributes to global warming; study finds bottles were invented by Al Gore shortly before he created the internet.
Results of President's Colonoscopy Leaked to the Press
American's stunned to realize that not only is their president a rotten asshole, his asshole seems to be rotting as well.
Ice Cream Salesman Found Dead
Popular ice cream van salesman Mr.Whippy was found dead in his van yesterday, covered in hundreds and thousands. Police believe he topped himself.
New GOP Candidates
Doctors have cloned five new GOP candidates from Bush polyps. Projected to be even bigger asses.
Bush Refuses to Pullout of Iraq
President Bush is refusing to withdraw US forces from Iraq; additionally, he plans to blow up the moon and eat a watermelon in one sitting.
Latin American men: 'Pesticides made us sterile'
Men in Latin America insist pesticides made them sterile; prior to today's claim, it was believed repetitive masturbation was to blame.
Senator On Whore's List
Republican says he thought it was 'More' list for bribery & payoffs
Pope: Other Christian Denominations Not True Churches
"And they stole BINGO from us, too," he proclaims!
Canada Has the Most Pot Smokers in Industrialized World
Our neighbor to the north has officially petitioned Cheech and Chong for permission to use "Up In Smoke" as their new national slogan.
Georgia Prosecutor Releases Amateur Sex Tape of Teens That Put 17-Year-Old Behind Bars
Be prepared to fork over ten bucks if you want to watch it!
The mind loser speaks of his heartache
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Cats & Dogs : The Truth
Cats are smarter than dogs. You'll never get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
In Meeting With Atheists, Rep. Ellison Compares President Bush to Hitler
What possessed the congressman's appalling behavior, God only knows!
Snoop Doggy Dog Getting Sued By Snoopy
"Look, my name is Snoopy and I'm a dog. What more evidence do you need that he stole my name? Moving the letter 'Y' does not make a new name."
Monica Lewinski on Clinton
"I didn't do it, but if I did do it, here's how I would have done it..."
Lohan Announces Engagement to Vick
In a move that CNN, ESPN and tabloids worldwide are calling "better than Christmas," Lindsay Lohan announced that she has become engaged to disgraced NFL star Michael Vick. Lohan explained, "He knows what its like to be dogged by the media just like I am..."
It is a popular misconception that passive smoking is inhaling other peoples smoke. It is in fact smoking during a period of peace during a major conflict.
Microsoft - History Byte
Microsoft is currently in the fifth year of its war on Apple Mac, although the war officially ended seven years ago and was only released due to a bug in windows XP service pack one which launched a pre-emptive strike against the less popular company.
London Mayor - Opinion
Boris Johnson Vs Ken Livingstone, who will win? Well Boris obviously, which slightly undermines the idea of posing a rhetorical question in the first place. Though now I've said it, it doesn't look too bad as the start of a small paragraph.
Strange but true - Fact 1
Did you know, fifteen percent of the adult British population farm sheep, or have had sheep farming dreams at some point in their drab wretched lives. Not that I'm judging them, the freaks.
Strange but true - Fact 2
Studies suggest that more than one in twenty people have hired a contract killer to shoot one of their neighbours, said neighbour's pets or a local dustman, within the remits of their working life, although how many of these people were inebriated at the time is unknown.
Arnold The Governator Gets New Sandwich
"Hey, girly-man, I have a new sandwich at Wendy's. The Baconator. Eat it or be terminated..."
Leeds United 1, Cornwall School for Blind 3
LEEDS (HNN) -- Leeds United wrapped up its exhibition season yesterday with a 3-1 loss to the Cornwall School for the Blind. "They saw the ball better than we did," said manager Dennis Wise.
Justice Roberts 'Acting Like a Democrat,' Doctors Say
Supreme Court Justice was "ashen and foaming at the mouth" following fall from idiopathic seizure, doctors reported...
Man Says HR Department has "No Sense of Humor"
"All I did was suggest that we 'get a co-ed hot tub for the company cafeteria.' It was a joke," said Arthur Deadbolt, 46, who must attend sensitivity training at Cog Inc.
Sarina has God on her side
Tennis star Sarina Williams suffered a severe leg cramp destined to cost her the match when the skies opened up and an hour and a half rainstorm allowed recuperation and the win.
Batteries in the popular new iPhone line are overheating and bursting into flames claim several consumers in desert climes. Batteries may be replaced by returning the phones to an Apple outlet.
Gong Hits 4 Bush
In an attempt to counter his failing popularity ratings, President George W. Bush is planning a propaganda campaign to convince America that a push into Iran is necessary for democracy.
"Mamma Mia" - ABBA daba do
The only UK number 1 record to contain in its lyrics the title of the song which knocked it off number 1 was...Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (lyric: "Mamma Mia")
Rocks in your head
98% of the recommended daily allowance of Fibrinogen (vitamin K) can be obtained by eating three small pebbles found on a beach.
Ming or Menzies?
Sir Menzies Campbell's name is pronounced "Ming", as in the game of "pinzies ponzies".
Convicted Iranian Adulterer Stoned to Death
Imported Canadian marijuana used to carry out the sentence.
Queen with small one, but big thirst
The QE2 only does 6 inches to a gallon of fuel!
Deep thoughts of a deep thinker
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. Of course, I am quite drunk"
British Explorer Becomes First Person to Swim at North Pole
Santa Claus scoffed at the claim: "What do I look like, chopped liver?!"
Who Let The Dogs Out??
Grand jury indictment declares the winner: Michael Vick!!
Frisbee turns 50
The popular Wham-O throw toy celebrates its 50th birthday party this summer. A popular chew toy among active canines, remember to get your pets spayed or neutered.
Bob The Builder Is Not Corgi Registered
It has been revealed that Bob The Builder is not corgi registered, he is a fraud, do not let him build near you!
Olympic Pole Vaulter Tired of Vaulting Poles
"Ever since the incident in 2004, my voice has been a few octacves higher... I don't know why the Olympic Commission decided to replace my talcum powder with that oil based lubricant but, I think it was a bad move."
Man with almost no brain has led a normal life with a slightly lower than normal IQ, doctors say.
Michael Moore is not just your average half-wit!
Lindsay Lohan: Not My Peruvian Flake
"We were playing that game where you change your pants with the person next to you when you're driving, that's when we got pulled over."
George 'the hairy' Bush and 'Brown-eye' Gordon Meet at Camp David
"If we only had a pair of nards between us we'd really have something!
Man Watching at Home Wins 'Jeopardy' for 3,658th Straight Time
Arthur Fanbelt, 58, of Norwalk, Ohio, estimates his unachieved lifetime winnings at $17.8 million.
Bergman "Never Got to Finish Harry Potter Book"
The daughter of Swedish film director Ingmar Bergman, who died this weekend at age 89, said the famed director had only gotten "about halfway through" the final book of the Harry Potter series. "He'll never know how it ends," she said.
Spoof Editor's Mustache Predicts the Weather
Bull urine once per hour does the trick. "It's way better than being boared with male hog piss." says editor.
Katie Couric Bitch Slaps CBS Evening News Editor
Use of word "sputum' beyond blonde bimbo's limited vocabulary, exposes her already obvious 'ditz' factor.
First Corrupt Bastard Convicted
Convicted Bastard asks Bush for presidential pardon.
George W.Bush:"I did not have sex with that woman"
After being caught in the back of his limo naked with Paris Hilton,Bush denies ever having sex with her.
Ich bin ein Berliner
Subaru backwards is 'U R A Bus'