Spoof news snippets from February 2007
There were 154 spoof news snippets published in February 2007. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Pelosi demands a bigger plane
Republicans offer the Spruce Goose
President Bush picks Guiness record ten pound booger and flicks it at Pelosi
Ten seconds later, his head collapses.
Wade Phillips, another of the father/son coaching legacy, takes over as head coach of NFL's Cowboys
Dallas team now called the "Son of a Bum's boys."
Anna Nicole's breasts to hang in the Smithsonian
The tragic centrefold's breast have been saved for the Nation after Congress approved a $10million rescue deal
Britney Decapitates Self
Britney Spears has decapitated herself. Although her aides remain silent on the issue, Ms Spears has had her head replaced by a watermelon. "She's clearly on self destruct" said one Hollywood insider before adding "Do you want a large shake or fries with that?"
Juror Dismissed from "Scooter" Libby Trial
She requested early dismissal so she can start writing her book about the trial.
NASCAR controversy grows
Officials levy big fines against "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" and "Flubbermobile" for spiking their fuel with illegal substances...
Writers at The Spoof Have Become Obsessed with Anna Nicole Smith
"It's a sad addiction," confirmed Paul and Mark Lowton, owners of The Spoof. "We're sending them all off to Rehab."
Belgian Court Claims Google Violated Copyright Rules
Google has gone through its search engine and removed information on everything Belgian, including Belgian chocolates and Belgian detective Hercule Poirot.
History Department at Vermont's Middlebury College Disallows Citing of Wikipedia in Papers or Exams
Citing Vermont Spoof writer Willis Rodney is still allowed but not recommended.
Whole Foods Proposes Merger with Wild Oats
Was going to just sow Wild Oats but then decided to buy them instead.
Researchers Say Chimps Use Spears (NOT as in 'Britney') to Hunt Bushbabies
Democrats are surprised to learn that President Bush has babies but say they have no plans to hunt them down.
Tom Vilsack, Former Governor of Iowa, Is Now OUT of 2008 Race for U.S. President
Who knew he was IN?
Peter Pan Outraged over Salmonella Outbreak
"I told Tinker Bell to clean up that fairy dust and not let it contaminate the peanut butter."
Al Gore's Movie Wins Oscar for Best Documentary
The Hollywood crowd, tired of being pulled between presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, dumps them both and supports Al Gore for president.
March 1 is National Peanut Butter Lovers' Day
This year it will be celebrated in emergency rooms and hospitals.
Drug Makes Retarded Mice Smarter
Oh goody! Just what we need -- smarter mice.
US military insists no plans to invade Iran
"President Bush needs time to recover from the death of Anna Nicole Smith," said a Pentagon official...
NYC restaurant buys poisoned peanut butter
"Rats love peanut butter and we've got a rat problem," said the restaurant owner. "It just seems like a no-brainer..."
Tainted peanut butter kills "AskKaren.gov" medical expert
The civil servant known to many as "AskKaren.gov" will be "sorely missed," said the US Surgeon General...
Jet Blue Strands Passengers for Hours on Planes at NY Airport
Bored passengers try to entertain themselves by singing "Am I Blue?"
Creationists Lose in Latest Science Curriculum Vote in Kansas
God is disappointed with the defeat but has told his staff, "We'll bide our time. Even THEY say it's survival of the fittest."
Handheld Laser Device to Promote Hair Growth Now on the Market
Bald eagles and hairless pandas are overjoyed.
The New World Had Chili Peppers 6100 Years Ago
Spoof writer Jalapenoman is older than we thought!
Report Claims Proposed Linking of Chrysler and GM Would Be an Alliance, Not a Merger
First they'll live together, THEN they'll consider marriage.
US Air Force halts printing of weekly base newspapers
Military's transition to "web-based newspapers" spells disaster for ink manufacturers and crossword puzzle makers. "We're expecting massive layoffs in those sectors," a Pentagon spokesman said...
Readers Complain that a Little Green Man is Popping up on The Spoof
They've been told by Mark and Paul Lowton, owners of The Spoof, to have another drink and stop whining.
President Bush Had a Wonderful Presidents' Day
Reminded that on this day Americans honor Abe and George, Bush answered, "Yippee! That includes me. MY name is George."
Video Game Enthusiasts Make Good Laparoscopic Surgeons
If they can be dragged away from the video games and into the operating rooms.
Viacom is Hooking up with Joost, a Rival of YouTube
But it's not a monogamous relationship. Viacom's chief executive has commented, "We're always open to partners."
Taller People Make Bigger Bucks
Elevator shoes really pay off!
Florida Judge Lawrence Korda Says He's Unsure of His Jurisdiction in Anna Nicole Paternity Battle
His REAL reason for not taking the case? He doesn't like to cry in public.
Rats Stage Takeover of Taco Bell/KFC Restaurant in NYC
But they promptly vacate the premises in disgust when they learn that Taco Bell suffered a recent E. coli scare.
Two New Yorkers Plead "No Contest" in Alleged Extortion of MySpace
Claimed they thought it was TheirSpace.
"Borat" Sequel is a Possibility
South Carolina frat boys are already gearing up for second appearance and second lawsuit.
What's Killing Honeybee Colonies in the US?
Bees are in mourning for their queen bee, Anna Nicole Smith, and desperately need grief counseling.
Research Shows Regular Naps Help Your Heart
Cats the world over are saying, "Told you so."
Bald Eagle Reveals Why He Landed on Singer's Head as She Performed Live
"The stress of being bald made me do it. I felt like she was flaunting that full head of hair."
Greyhound Buses Will Be Going from the US to the UK
Hope they can roll on water.
Prince Frederic von Anhalt, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Says He May Be Father of Anna Nicole's Baby
Officials tell him that, even though he's royalty, he has to take a number and get in line with other "father" applicants.
Senator Barack Obama Formally Enters U.S. Presidential Race
Senator Joe Biden is staying home and busily washing his mouth out with soap, reminding himself not to repeat his misstatement about Obama.
Top Runner for Harvard Presidency is a Woman
She's currently being frisked to make sure she's not packing mace, a knife, or a BB gun.
Researchers Grow Teeth in Lab Dish, Transplant Them to Mice
The better to eat you with, my dear.
North Korea Signs 8-Track Tape Deal with Russia
Pyongyang, North Korea - In the latest test of America's resolve, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il signed a 10 year, $25,000,000 deal with Russia to develop 8-Track tapes and tape players.
Blair outlaws spillages
Tougher sentences are on the cards for those who spill coffee or tea around or on the Prime Ministers desk. "I regard it as an act of terror" said the PM "and I will have those responsible brought to justice. Or at least dab my trousers to get the stains out" he added.
The Pontiff has become enraged that some of his best speeches made to the Vatican Square have been allegedly lifted and incorporated into Joe Pasquales' act.
The dead have returned to life and are eating the flesh of the living and smashing open their heads to feast on the brains of their former friends and family. Oh, hold on. No they're not. Sorry. My mistake.
President renames Presidents' Day
Presidents day is to be renamed 'billionaire oil magnates puppet day', President Bush announced. The day will consist of an opportunity for Mr Bushs ring piece to recover after having so many wealthy republicans working his sphincter
The UK Government has announced that the recent outbreak of bird flue in a Suffolk turkey farm is nothing to worry about. So it's now official. Thousands will die in the biggest pandemic known to mankind.
Vaccines: Mandate or choice?
- Gays pleased.
Suspect held in British letter bombs
- "It is a tragic ordeal, but, unpaid postage...is unpaid postage!"
Courtesy Daily Reaper Headlines:
Deceased Anna Nicole Smith's Rival, Deceased Stepson, Pierce Marshall, of Deceased Tycoon J. Howard Marshall, Dead at 67
Russert: Witness Stand Is Uncomfortable
- "Damn Hemorrhoids!"
Paris Hilton: Tasteless Crap
It was revealed by celebrity SCAT scooper : Paris' **** don't stink..or taste of anything.
The Irish are reputed to say Be Gorra, although I have yet to hear one say this.
But in the light of the 6-Nations Rugby, this has now changed to 'By O'Gara'
Britney Is A Limp Rag Doll After Sex
- Revealed model, Isaac Cohen, The rock divas most recent ex-beau. "She looses all her air. So you got to blow her up, again. Boy, are my cheeks sore!"
Chip Can Do A Trillion Calculations A Second
- and comes in "Wavy and Bar-B-Q flavored, too!
Australian PM Stands By Obama Attack
- Australian Prime Minister John Howard on Monday stood by his comments from a day earlier, "He is the cleanest Nigger in the wood pile!"
American runs away with $17,000 prosthetic leg
- Thief is said to be the 'Winner' of the three-legged races competition at the annual Hooterville County Picnic & Tractor Pull.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Sufferers Self Centred
100 sufferers were interviewed about their condition. A leading psychologist reports "It's all ME ME ME"
New Lottery For Eskimos
But..you have to be Inuit to win it!!
Bush endorses Brazilians
Bush calls for all American military personnel serving overseas to sport a Brazilian. The White House has declared well trimmed pubic hair as a fundamental signal of liberty and a beacon of freedom to the hirsute and undemocratic heathens of the world.
Britons Ignorant About Sex, Survey Reveals
- "All this time I thought, we were scratching those hard to get at places?"
How Severely Should a Teacher Be Punished For Showing Pornography?
- They should have their pants pulled down & spanked...slowly.
Turtle Eaten by Golden Retriever Lives
- "Turtle not shaken. Knew all 'retievers' suffer with anorexia nervosa."
Move Over Bernie
As her body has begun to deteriorate, coroner has decided to employ the "Weekend at Bernie's" embalming technique to preserve the body of Anna Nicole Smith. She'll kick off her world tour with a quick stop at Disney World.
I walked by a chap in the street, who was hammering out a sheet of lead. "I have never seen that before in Nottingham - someone putting lead ON a roof".
Cheaper Calls for Gay Folk
A phone company's typo has caused 1000's of gay people to scramble for cheap calls. It read :"50% saving on all local homo calls"
Cactus-Eating Moth Threatens Favorite Mexican Food
- Makers of XXX Mezcal Tequila say, "As hard as that moth tried, he just wasn't stong enough to break the bottle to get at that worm inside!"
More Cheating: 24 Air Force Cadets Confess
- "What ever happened to, "Don't ask, Don't tell !?"
A dog groomer in the USA tried to hide the fact that he had cut off the ear of shih tzu by super-glueing it back on. He only became exposed when the owner went to wash the dog.....and it's ear dropped off.
New York Man Found Dead One Year Later
- "Yup! We buried him a year ago & he's still there today!"
U.N. Urged To Take Action On Assteroid Threat
- "The conditions of some of the upholstery in the chairs at the United Nations Assembly Hall, made it a priority issue for an immediate response.
Clinton Urges Start Of Iraq Pullout In 90 Days
- "Trust me, I'm a expert in knowing when to pull it out", Bill says with a smirk.
Bush Abolishes Presidential Term Limits
Washington, D.C. - President Bush, citing increasing criticism, announced the signing of a Presidential order abolishing term limits earlier today. The order also bans any future President's not named "Bush" from ever taking office or holding high level Government positions.
One in 150 US children suffer autism - reports
- Analysis Courtesy "Rocking Chair Sales of America"
Sister Says 'Anna Nicole Was 'Full Of Life'
- Ya Think......?!!!
Man Saves Grandson From Large Snake
- "I had to do something. Anacondas are an endangered species."
Study: Male Sweat May Be Women's Aphrodisiac
- "Not so!", according to Dr.Sholls
Prime minister Tony Blair today announced from the steps of ten Downing street that he is totally resigned to the fact that his funny tooth will never again be colgate white.
The Secret Is Out: Armitage Was the CIA Leaker
- "Pass the Depends"
Edible animal found in Paris
The French government today confirmed earlier reports, that some kind of animal was discovered late last week in a Paris suburb, that does not appear to be on any menu in the city.
New report on nostalgia.
The eagerly awaited new government report on nostalgia, has come to the conclusion, that it's not what it used to be.
Local Stores Removing Potentially Tainted Peanut Butter
- Breaking News: Food scare really a Secret Government Cover-Up! Mr. Peanut is missing!!
Man Loses Hand in Pit Bull Attack
- "He growled, then, came at me with a Royal Flush!"
Teens Turn to Legal Drugs
- It's now Cool to take "Children's Milk of Magnesia".
New Mexico Orders 500 Talking Urinal Cakes
- Cake will be adapted as answering machines for majority of state representatives known to be "full of it!"
Human Brain Can Make New Cells: Study
- Report debunked as 'stack of lies'! "The brain alone cannot produce anything on its own. It would need hands!"
Adventurer to Open Online Education Center in Antarctica
- The frozen continent will share its many secrets to: "The many ways to catch a cold."
Scientists Track Fish to Understand Climate Change
- Scientist working under a $340 million grant believe, this fish has the answer. "If only we knew how to communicate with it."
Longevity Linked To Learning
- "I knew that high school diploma would come in handy some day"
Retired NBA Star Hardaway Says He Hates 'Gay People'
- "What's wrong with being melancholy"
Study: Fish Good For Pregnant Women
- Only drawback is keeping balance on boat.
Obama, Clinton Battle for African-American Endorsements
- NAACP: We believe it is about time we put 100% backing on a black candidate and we will do just that, as soon as one comes along.
Teen Has Hiccups For Three Weeks, No Cure In Sight
- "I sure wish someone can help me soon", pleads high school teenager, Ferris Bueller.
Drunk Fisherman Catches Shark With Bare Hands
- Correction...bare "HAND"
NASA postpones THEMIS launch for 24 Hours
- Astronauts not bothered, "No sweat, we have our RAGS on!"
Italy orders CIA kidnapping trial
- "We ordered it to GO!"
Britney Spears, Shaved Bald, Gets a New Tattoo
- "My vagina now has identity & feels chilly!"
Woman Faces Two Years In Jail For Throwing Ice
- Drug dealers charge that, "She doesn't know the value in the production of meth!"