Spoof news snippets from Saturday 22 December 2007
Bishop Discovered in Monster Tuna
Spanish fishermen garnered an extraordinary harvest yesterday when a giant tuna they had caught was found to contain an Anglican Bishop. "He is like the Jonah man inside Bible book!" quipped Rafael Lustau, the owner of the boat.
Junk TV Visible from Space
Britain's 'Junk TV Cloud' is now visible from orbiting satellite cameras, along with other famous phenomena such as The Great Wall of China and the Naive Hypocrisy of Anti-Iraq War Protestors, Cambridge boffin Joy Stich revealed yesterday.
'Cameron Piping' to be Used to Heat Old Folks' Home
The 23 miles of hot-air piping discovered inside vacuous Tory Boy Leader David Cameron during an endoscopic procedure is to be installed in a Dover Nursing Home. Mike Satan, manager of Golgotha Towers, said 'it'll replace our ailing central heating system nicely!'
'Thruppence in Pudding' Tradition Dying Out
The age-old tradition of putting threepenny bits into Christmas puddings has virtually died out, according to a letter written to popular magazine The People's Friend. Correspondent Mrs Alice Brittle, of Wark, says that there just aren't enough 'thruppences' about any more.
'Vampire' Claims Dismissed by Askey Historian
Claims that C20th comedian Arthur Askey's trademark "Busy Bee" song was a reference to the miniature star's secret life as a Vampire were dismissed by Askey historian Lou Dremarks. 'Arthur was a bloodsucker, but only psychologically and financially' corrected Dremarks.
Blair Converts to Satanism
Former Prime Minister of Great Britain Tony Blair has joined the Church of Beelzebub. The High Priest of England, Cedric Heathen McWicker confirmed Mr. Blair's conversion today. His family are said to be very supportive and look forward to a life of sacrifice and ritual murder.
We Are "Nowhere" Claims Yeading Man
Yeading shoe salesman Peter Winker claimed yeaterday that the human race 'is, always has been and always will be nowhere'. Asked to explain, Winker, 45, said: 'Look, it's always now, right? And you're always here, OK? Put them words together and your always nowhere. Sorted.'
Queen's Speech to be in Mime
Buckingham Palace revealed yesterday that the Queen will deliver this year's Christmas Speech in mime, in honour of mime artiste Marcel Marceau, who died this year. "Her Majesty is still devastated by Marcel's death, and she will do the speech in full white face make-up" claimed a Royal Lickspittle.
Church Condemns "Jonah" Quips
The Church of England yesterday condemned those who have used the name "Jonah" for the Anglican Bishop found inside a monster tuna by Spanish fishermen. 'He is now in the Folkestone Home for Bewildered Clergy, and gratuitous name-calling will only hinder his recovery' a spokesman claimed.