Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 1 August 2007
British Tourists Infest Disney World
ORLANDO, Fla. (HNN) -- Local officials are trying to figure out what to do with a massive infestation of British tourists at Walt Disney World. Controlled spraying has thus far proven ineffective, officials said.
NASA To Install Breathalyzers On Shuttle Ignition
NASA engineers announced that they would be installing a breathalyzer kill switch on all future shuttle missions. "With more astronauts drinking and piloting, we just can't risk it anymore. This way we can ensure that whoever is behind the controls is at least somewhat sober."
Wall Street rebounds on news of Nicole Richie pregnancy.
After a week of losses, the Dow Jones average was up today after Nicole Richie publicly confirmed that she was pregnant.
John Barleycorn Really Is Dead
Widow says stress caused by prophetic Traffic album finally got to him. "I don't know how anyone could live with that hanging over his head," said Edna Barleycorn, 73.
Dog Shoots Owner in the Back in Memphis, Tennessee
Black lab was attempting to prevent his master from testifying in Michael Vick dog fighting case.
Canadian Man Survives Suicide Attempt by Chaining Self to Tree
Hoping to be torn limb from limb, the tree, however, refused to cooperate.
Contestant on 'Deal or No Deal?' Asks Howie to Repeat Question
"Sorry, I didn't hear you the first time," said Albert Channelock of Peoria, Ill.
Reverend Al Sharpton Defends Michael Vick
Guess the reverend must have a dog in that fight.
New Study Cites Suicide as Number One Cause of Self-Inflicted, Non-Accidental Death Among Americans
(Swanson, North Dakota) A New Study by the University of Swanson's Depression-Sadness Institute concludes that suicide is the number one cause of self-inflicted, non-accidental death in the U.S., beating out watching ABC's the View and masturbating while driving, which come as close seconds.