Spoof news snippets from August 2007
There were 97 spoof news snippets published in August 2007. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Dick Cheney Repents
CCN - Dick Cheney, after doing some soul searching, has repented his sins against humanity and has joined in the effort to impeach Bush.
Cheney's Airplane Has Mechanical Problem
CCN - Vice President Dick Cheney's airplane had a small mechanical problem. Unfortunately, there were no safety concerns and the aircraft was scheduled to make a planned refuelling stop in Singapore after his trip to Australia.
Photo of Fat Man Pulling a Green Plaid Suitcase Dominates The Spoof
Hating the attention, he's complained, "Just because I'm the world's first pregnant male, there's no need to plaster my picture all over the website."
Ron Paul Comes in Fifth in Iowa Straw Poll
He's not disappointed that he didn't win, saying: "I'm not that big a fan of Iowa straw anyway."
Federal Agents Arrest Illegal Immigrants in Raid at Ohio Chicken-Processing Plant
Many of the chickens were also proven to be illegal and were immediately deported.
Ducks want more
Ducks are now on strike, claiming that they want more than the soggy old crusts that 3 year old kids throw at them in the park.
Scientists in Idaho have discovered what appears to be a Hitachi Microwave in the Fossil Record. Histroy, Science, Time, whole world scuppered.
Elvis Presley is now thought to be alive, and is a secret member of the Bush Family. Elvis Bush is a loner, with a passing resemblance to the erstwhile singer.
Poltergeist - The School Play
1980's movie Poltergeist is to be turned into a School play, highlighting the dangers of Television to school age children.
ET - TheSchool Play
1980's blub-fest ET is to be turned into a School Play, highlighting the dangers of underage drinking to a new audience.
Nazi Undertones in the Flumps
Beloved Children's programme The Flumps has Nazi Undertones. More news will follow this development.
Gabrielle from Bagpuss Dies
The world's most famous Banjo playing Frog,Gabrielle has died from eating soggy bread that three year old children throw out for the ducks.
Fourth chord in Rock and Roll found
Archeologists in Iowa have discovered the Fourth chord that has been missing from Rock and Roll for years. It is seen as an important link in the development of music, and will have an impact on world events.
First Edition Bible found
A rare first edition of the Bible has been found in a charity shop in Hastings. An eagle eyed Clergy bought the book with the collected works of James Herriot.
No Beard, No Deal
TV Favourite Noel Edmonds has been told by Channel 4 BigWigs that if he ever shaves, he will lose his lucrative job.
David Beckham Seen
Footballer David Beckham was today spotted buying new laces for his football boots.
A Spokesman for Dust Mites.com said: 'If you people could see what what we do, you would never sleep again'
Busker's will now be fined a fixed penalty every time they play either 'Streets of London' or 'House of the Rising Sun'. Ralph Mctell was not available for comment.
Man found in Mouse
A tiny little man was found today, sleeping inside a Computer Mouse. The Mouse was unavailable for comment, but the little man ran away with the spoon.
I forgive the Wolf
Today Little Red Riding Hood said that she has forgiven the big bad wolf for the years of trauma that he put her through.
Morph is now holding up posters
Tony Hart, beloved presenter of Arts programmes for 1970's kids said that Morph was humanely destroyed, and now holds up the posters in his study. Chad was nowhere to be seen either.
Yellow only in it for the money
Yellow, the stingiest of the all the colours said today that she only did the Simpsons colour for the money. Like most of the daffodils, as well, we would imagine.
Ebay is selling itself on Ebay. It is well worn, dates back to the early 1990's, and bidding starts at £00.1p to ensure it goes to a good home.
A Jazz Gig today did not feature a drum solo. Audience goes home happy, and early.
Obi Wan Kenobi
Grizzled Jedi Knight Obi Wan Kenobi is to be the shock replacement for Michael Parkinson on his chat-show when the famed Barnsley Man leaves his show.
Northern Exposure - The Musical
1990's Television Show Northern Exposure is to be turned into a Musical, featuring such songs as 'Maggie May, but she probably won't' and 'Look after the Mice, and the Moose will look after itself'.
'Brangelina' argue who has the better backside.
Pitt insists his buns are tighter
Lohan snorts Hilton's Ashes
Lindsay Lohan reportedly has snorted the cremated remains of Paris Hilton's grandfather
Fiddler crabs now rapping
Fiddler crabs on the east coast have laid down their fiddles and have started rapping. The United Crab Union stated" We were just sick of fiddlin'"
Sue Pollard in new film
80's television star Su Pollard is the favourite to play Bella Emberg in the forthcoming Biopic of Russ Abbott, Atmospheres.
Mel Gibson has not been in the news for a while. We thought we would mention him again.
Reverend Al Sharpton Defends Michael Vick
Guess the reverend must have a dog in that fight.
Contestant on 'Deal or No Deal?' Asks Howie to Repeat Question
"Sorry, I didn't hear you the first time," said Albert Channelock of Peoria, Ill.
Canadian Man Survives Suicide Attempt by Chaining Self to Tree
Hoping to be torn limb from limb, the tree, however, refused to cooperate.
Wall Street rebounds on news of Nicole Richie pregnancy.
After a week of losses, the Dow Jones average was up today after Nicole Richie publicly confirmed that she was pregnant.
Armstrong won't return to 2008 Tour de France despite taunting from Matthew McConaughey
(Houston, TX)-Lance Armstrong will not be returning to the 2008 Tour de France after a one year break, despite taunting from friend Matthew McConaughey, who said he "didn't have the balls for it."
Alaskan Moose seek reparations for hunting and taxidermy
(Nomansland, AK)- Animal rights group is seeking $50 million in damages for the last century of hunting and stuffing area moose. The group stated, "the winnings of the case will build an oil pipeline that will greatly benefit the moose." Local moose refused to comment.
Man Unable to Quantify Being 'Happy as a Clam'
Asked by friends what exactly that meant, Robert Talladega, 23, of Calabasas, California admitted he "had no $#%@*&$ idea."
Man found burned, shot, mutilated and handcuffed in trunk of car
Sheriff Ray Cist says, "This is definitely the worst case of suicide that I've ever seen..."
Canada Calls Off Invasion of U.S.
"The more we looked at it, the less sense it made," said Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. However, Quebec still plans to claim Florida, at least for the winter months...
Wong Ching Lung: Hom Si Quan Not Really My Brother
It's just something we say when we need help. "Brother! They've killed Well Hung Lo!" How else do you get someone to fight to the death if they're not related to you?
Russell Crowe Furious With Cast of Gladiator II
"I swear, if they call me 'Gluteous Maximus' one more time..."
Wikipedia Shut Down Due To Offensive Article Concerning Blackberries
The Wikipedia Chairman is thought to have commisioned the article that was claimed to be racist; ethnic minority berries would have been the legal substitute.
The Fat Guy In So Many Spoof Stories Recently says,
"I've never had an eating disorder, only a major crapping disorder . . .
President for Life loses re-election bid
François "Papa Doc" Duvalier, former president for life of Haiti will not be allowed to run for a second term. He died in 1971.
Mary-Kate Enraged Over Kingsley Kiss
"It wasn't even in the script…especially the spittle and groping…I mean, by the time I figured out what was going on, we were at his camper on the set and I had a hickey…"
Man who re-invented himself sues himself for patent infringement
Olympia, WA - (Faux News) Fred Faul, a former street tramp appeared in court today. Uniquely, he will sit as both plaintiff and defendent. His defense attorneys argued that Faul is not guilty by reason of insanity after drinking kerosene and giving oral sex to Japanese men.
Religious Right again declares: human life begins at conception
Demands that Census count every pregnant woman as two people.
Tom Cruise Takes One for Lindsay Lohan
"I wasn't driving the truck when the 7 guys went flying off the back but, she was drunk, she's bigger than me and I was scared…what was I supposed to do?"
U.S. Postal Service issues new commemorative stamp honoring America's prostitutes
Stamp costs 41 cents, but if you want to lick it that's 10 cents extra.
Bush admits Iraq had no WMDs - declares war on himself
"I'm no longer with me, so I must be against me - right?" explains deeply confused President
Two Italian teens from feuding families die in bizarre suicide pact
Shakespeare brought in for questioning; police say only English Lit majors ever get this joke.
Report: Pigeon Poop Contributed to Minnesota Bridge Collapse
Experts claim that had the 'birdie byproduct' not helped hold the structure together, it would have collapsed years earlier.
Venezuelan President to Change Country's Name
When the smoke clears on the latest round of constitutional changes, what was once Caracas will become Chavez, capital of the new Kingdom of Hugovia.
Boy Suspended for Drawing a Gun in School
When asked the reason for the suspension, school officials drew a blank.
It's official: upcoming Jenna Bush/Henry Hagar marriage a shotgun wedding
"And it's MY shotgun." VP Dick Cheney warns Hagar. "So if you think I'm bluffing, just ask Harry Whittington."
In speech, President Bush compares Iraq to Vietnam
Meaning we're losing THIS one, too.
Bidding for Mummified Walrus Penis Bone, 4 Feet Long, Starts at $16,000
Bidding on a 4-foot-deep petrified walrus vagina expected soon.
Health officials warning
Health officials warned today that if current trends continue, in 80 years 210% of Americans will weigh over 400 pounds.
Larry Craig says: "I am not gay - not that there's anything wrong with that!"
GOP Senator admits, "Ever since 'Seinfeld' went off the air, nobody gets this joke."
New Study Cites Suicide as Number One Cause of Self-Inflicted, Non-Accidental Death Among Americans
(Swanson, North Dakota) A New Study by the University of Swanson's Depression-Sadness Institute concludes that suicide is the number one cause of self-inflicted, non-accidental death in the U.S., beating out watching ABC's the View and masturbating while driving, which come as close seconds.
British Tourists Infest Disney World
ORLANDO, Fla. (HNN) -- Local officials are trying to figure out what to do with a massive infestation of British tourists at Walt Disney World. Controlled spraying has thus far proven ineffective, officials said.
Dog Shoots Owner in the Back in Memphis, Tennessee
Black lab was attempting to prevent his master from testifying in Michael Vick dog fighting case.
John Barleycorn Really Is Dead
Widow says stress caused by prophetic Traffic album finally got to him. "I don't know how anyone could live with that hanging over his head," said Edna Barleycorn, 73.
Sen. Chris Dodd Leads in Neo-Nazi vote
(Washington D.C.)-A new poll reveals that Senator Chris Dodd is leading in the Neo-Nazi vote over his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, after the Neo-Nazi group that runs non-profit organization, skinheads.com, realized that Sen. Clinton was, in fact, not a man, and withdrew their support.
NASA To Install Breathalyzers On Shuttle Ignition
NASA engineers announced that they would be installing a breathalyzer kill switch on all future shuttle missions. "With more astronauts drinking and piloting, we just can't risk it anymore. This way we can ensure that whoever is behind the controls is at least somewhat sober."
Catholic Virgins at higher risk for STIs
(Harvard, Massachussets)- A new Harvard study shows that Catholic virgins are at a higher risk for sexually transmitted infections. The STI is acquired by the Catholic virgin through an all-too-frequent, dangerous, nonsexual encounter called an "Immaculate Infection."
Train Leaving Boston at 3:15 Traveling at 35 mph Collides with Train Leaving Chicago at 4:00 Traveling at 26 mph
"This was a math problem just waiting to happen," said investigator Arnold Pillbox...
Woman Earns Masters Degree At 94!
"Now that I've got my degree, the sky's the limit!" she said just before collapsing from a massive coronary. She was pronounced dead just 15 minutes after graduation.
Bono announced as UK ambassador to remote island
Irish musician-activist, Bono, will be assume the role of UK ambassador to the remote isle of Wikipedi. At first the island, devoid of outside communication, had requested Sonny Bono fill the position. Hearing he was dead, they requested the next closest-sounding thing.
Peter Frampton to Perform Live Version of 'Frampton Comes Alive'
"It's something I've always wanted to do," said former Humble Pie guitarist, now 57.
Philosophical Axiom Found on Parchment Buried in Pyramid
"He who goes to bed with itchy buttocks wakes up with smelly fingers."
American Fans Angry that Beckham Isn't Scoring 30 Goals a Game
"I don't really understand the hype about him," said Erick Bronson, 42, of Alexandria, Va., who only began following soccer last year. "All he did the other night was pass the ball."
White House saves years, thousands of lives, billions of dollars.
Admits defeat in Iran.
Fat Man Convicted of Indecent Exposure
The court ordered that the man would have to pay for liposuction after he became so obese it was nauseating.
Amy Winehouse Enjoys 30th Consecutive Minute of Sobriety
"I feel great!" the waif-like singer declares. She and husband plan to celebrate new sobriety with a 23-kegger at local hotel.
Man Dies of Viagra Overdose
Grieving family can't get his casket lid shut.
Gambler Down to Last Quarter Wins 50 Cents
"I'm quitting while I'm ahead," said Dave Dipschiett of Las Vegas, who says he plans to use his winnings to open a retirement account.
Bolivia Purchases Coastal Time-Share
LA PAZ--The government of landlocked Bolivia has purchased a time-share for a condo in St. Petersburg, Florida to be used on a rotating basis by its 9 million citizens.
Kentucky Man Wraps Head in Duct Tape as Disguise for Attempted Robbery
But the clown was quick to discover that sometimes there just isn't enough stuff to cover up that much stupid.
Fudge Packers Tired of Being the Butt of Jokes
"Ever since they changed the name of the piece of the expressway that runs by the factory to 'Hershey Highway' it's been nothing but trouble."
Dow Jones falls again, scrapes knee
Ontario, CA (Faux News) Dow Jones, aged 12 , fell and scraped his knee again during softball practice, His biggest fall since February. The news of this event caused wide spread worry and triggered a crisis in the sub-prime loan industry.
Everyone Officially Sick of "Hey There Delilah"
Most surveyed said they would rather be killed by a car bomb than hear the Plain White T's song one more $%&@& time for pete's sake already...
Man receives world's first penis transplant
But his right hand is rejecting it.
Minneapolis bridge collapses, cars plunge into river, motorists drown
Ted Kennedy comments, "Well! Maybe now they know how it feels!"
It's official: none of these spoof snippets is funny
except of course for mine, says websmuggler
Satan has "Room All Ready" for Leona Helmsley
"It's very tastefully appointed," Satan said of the room prepared for the immenent arrival of the "Queen of Mean," who died August 20. He added that he "hasn't been this excited about a new arrival since Saddam Hussein."
Ron Paul Wins New Hampshire & Alabama
Returns Alabama as 'too much righteous and too little right'
Mormon man joins "Promise Keepers"
Vows to be faithful to all six of his wives.
Cow Flees Farm, Seeks Asylum in India
Officials in New Delhi have not decided whether or not to grant asylum or deport Bessie. "They're going to eat me!" Bessie insists. Her owner, farmer Inda Dell of Norwalk, Ohio, disputes her claim, saying Bessie is a "milk cow."
NAACP: Michael Vick Should Return to NFL
Hopefully, what the dastardly dog destroyer will return to the NFL are his lucrative multi-million-dollar contract, his uniform, his endorcements...
Survey: Seniors Enjoying Sex Well Into Their Eighties
However, the vast majority of them don't remember it the next day.
Pop Tarts: Beyonce Suffers Wardrobe Malfunction at Canada concert
The ebony enchantress is grateful to Janet Jackson for keeping her 'abreast' of the latest 'coming out' crowd pleasing 'tips.'
Ron Paul criticizes NASA for scheduling lunar eclipse "at such an ungodly hour".
"NASA says the eclipse will be from 1:54 to 3:25 AM?" said the GOP Presidential candidate. "Why schedule it for when most people are asleep? Another example of government mismanagement, I say!"
It's official: More people now make a living off of 9/11 than died in it
"I owe my career to 9/11. Without it, I'd be nowhere." says Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff, one of 60,000 otherwise unemployable pigs with their snouts now permanently in the federal trough.
Senator Larry Craig Is Not Gay!
He's just an Ordinary, Simple ****house Butt-Troller
Stock Market Takes a Plunge
Sales in swimwear up by 30%