Written by Peter Stevenson
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Tuesday, 6 September 2011

image for Masturbation provides links to blindness cure
Mr Poirot's former guide dog, Franc, has taken the opportunity to now study for a degree in Forensic Science.

Paris, France: A 22 year old blind man has had his eyesight miraculously restored after an eight hour masturbatory session. Initially baffled, scientists think they may have now identified a health benefit stemming from the world's oldest handshake.

Every Gran's favourite message of "don't do that or you'll go blind!" may be a thing of the past now that Daniel Poirot - previously blind from birth - has had his eyesight restored by prolonged masturbatory practice at the end of August this year.

On the hottest day of the year, Mr Poirot apparently "hand-jived to within an inch of his life," according to French paramedic Hercules Jambon. Mr Jambon was part of the team called to Mr Poirot's Parisian residence which he has under the supervision of daily care visitors.

"Daniel had run a hot bath on this - the hottest day of the year - and proceeded to to the shake-and-vac repeatedly, until he eventually feinted," continued Mr Jambon. When he arrived at the hospital, it was determined that Mr Poirot had suffered a massive build up cranial pressure brought on by the heat and his prolonged "swordplay".

"When I awoke, I could see!" said Mr Poirot. Although not advocating the method used, scientists now believe that controlled cranial pressure changes could relieve eyesight troubles in patients with occlusive ocular problems.

"This will no doubt exacerbate an already dormant teenage culture who spend most of their time on the internet, worming their pigs," said chief investigator Simon Klapshitz.

"What we want to underline is that masturbation still has other health risks such as dehydration, calluses and tutle-neck-droop. Leave the real science to the professionals should you be worried about your eyesight."

This discovery marks another in a long line of complete myth reversals found by scientists in recent months including: Watching TV makes eyes more circular; swimming within an hour after food promotes rectal efficiency; Germans actually wake later that most of Europe on average, and are less inclined to use towels to mark out territory.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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