Written by Nash D. Plott
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Monday, 5 September 2011

image for Deranged Warcraft Character Forces Bank to Deposit Severed Orc Head

Topeka, Kansas - A young man obsessed with the game World of Warcraft was arrested for forcing a branch of the Wachovia bank to deposit a partially decomposed severed head from a creature that the man insisted was an orc.

The 4"11 overweight man immediately attracted the attention of security by walking into the bank wearing animal furs and sporting bushy unkempt facial hair, reeking of alcohol. The man was armed with a two-handed axe slung prominently on his back. When approached, the man screamed obscenities in a thick Glaswegian accent and threatened to deploy the axe. He then approached a teller and produced a large severed head from a backpack, slamming it on the counter and yelling that he wanted the teller to deposit it.

"It was the most disgusting, horrifying thing I have ever seen," said Emily Parker, a teller at the bank. "It was filthy and partially decomposed, covered in flies. It stank horribly, and I'm not even sure what it was. It looked sort of human but with animal teeth, thick features and a greenish color".

Security immediately triggered the silent alarm, but before police could respond the assailant forced bank employees to place the severed head in the bank vault. "One female teller was forced to touch the object and went into a dead faint," bank manager Fred Pickering recounted. "Eventually somebody managed to scoop it into a waste basket and move it that way, depositing it in the vault. The stench is hard to even describe, and days later we still have not managed to get rid of it"

Forensic experts are puzzled at whom or what the head actually belongs to. They are not even certain if it is human, leaving them in a quandary regarding whether or not to lay murder charges. Pictures of the head were posted on local television, generating a flood of calls to 1-800-COP-TIPS, but ultimately leading to a dead end when it was verified that the head was not in fact from Madeleine Albright or Linda Tripp.

The assailant was easy for police to trace. The pseudonym "Bloodnguts" inexplicably appeared in typed characters over his head during the entire incident, and he proved to be well known at local drinking establishments. When the suspect failed to provide his legal name and proper identification he was arrested but disappeared from jail without a trace 30 minutes later. A fellow detainee said that "Bloodnguts" said nothing but "Och, me hearth's cooled down".

The case remains a mystery, although the strange incidents at Wachovia appear not to be over. Two days ago a tall female with huge pointed ears and blue skin attempted to deposit 20 trout, which she referred to as a "stack". This individual was unarmed, claiming that she was "only a banker toon".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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