Written by Lyndon
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Saturday, 3 September 2011

image for SmartAss GPS gives men experience that their bitchy wives are along for the ride
Make a wrong turn and you'll hear, "For shit's sake, are you really this stupid?!"

HARFOLD, Vermont--Some men can't submit reports to their boss until the last minute of a deadline. Others won't turn in their tax forms until 11:55 p.m. on April 15. Similarly, many a man can't follow street directions unless they're being berated with insults and profanity in the thick of traffic.

Enter SmartAss GPS 1.0, the latest new gizmo developed by those smartasses in Harfold, Vermont, at SmartSoft.

"For many drivers," said CEO Gordon Page, "a kind, helpful female voice does nothing for them. To hear a serene 'Continue 1 point 5 miles, then take ramp right" is like your wife telling you about a new quilt pattern she's read about: in one ear and out the other.

"The SmartAss GPS gets your attention."

Messages found on the inaugural version among others:

* "Take ramp right, and don't fuck it up this time."
* "That's just like you to second-guess me, you goddamn asshole. Now turn left at the light."
* "My mother was right: you're a cheating, good-for-nothing piece of shit. Your destination is on the left."

"With this bitch on your case," said Page, "you'll want to reach your destination just to get the hell out of the car."

Male drivers can choose either Bitch Voice 1 or Bitch Voice 2, but Page would not confirm nor deny that the voices sound very much like Miss Piggy of Muppets fame and Shelia Brovloski of South Park.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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