Boston, Mass-- A group of researchers at Boston College recently concluded that 100% of all Americans will either be obese or anorexic by 2020. Lead researcher Dillon Hardwick stated, "I got the idea for the study after I noticed everyone attending my course was either a total fat-ass or so thin you couldn't see them when they turned sideways."
Both anorexia and obesity are becoming important issues in Amercia. The rise of obesity can be attributed to unhealthy foods such as "The Americanator:" a corn dog wrapped in bacon, smothered in nacho cheese, deep fried, and coated in rich creamy chocolate. Area man, and well-known lard-ass, Chip Daley stated, "It's really good. I usually have two or three a day. Shut up, it's a lifestyle choice." After making the comment, Mr. Daley proceeded to have a blood clot and died.
The rise of anorexia, which for whatever reason is far less funny than obesity, can be attributed to its prevalence in pop culture: from obscenely thin supermodels, to skinny jeans, to group liposuction. Swedish supermodel, Yazza Ibazza commented, saying, "When it comes to eating, I always ask myself, 'What would Jesus do?' Not eat for forty days in the desert? I think so." Ms. Ibazza, the world's first woman to fit into a size negative-1 dress, perished last Thursday when an acorn fell on her skull, proceeding to crush it.
But not all hope is lost, researchers are attempting to find a solution to these rapidly growing problems. "After carefully reviewing the data, we've concluded that fat people should eat less, and skinny people should eat more." Truly revolutionary solutions to such novel problems.