Written by Joe Leff
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Topics: baldness

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Researchers at the Institute of Trichology, Hairfields Hospital, have finally revealed that the real function of hair on the human head is to protect the skull. Following this massive breakthrough, experts in baldness prevention are now recommending new D.I.Y. remedies - mostly involving head-banging.

The scientists have been investigating why baldness has increased in recent generations. "Years ago you never used to see so many 'skin-heads'", said lead researcher Dr Ed Tufts. "In these days of hats, turbans and protective helmets - and probably heavy-duty hair gels, there are no real threats and dangers to our skulls. So there's less hair growth."

'Head-banging' is a simple, free and easily available remedy. "With regular onslaughts, hair follicles become perky and vibrant, as they 'muscle up' in defence of the skull," said Dr Tufts.

Baldness experts recommend gentle head-banging to start with - maybe for three months or so. Then, as the hair begins to sprout and form defensive cover, heavy-duty thumping of the head is advised. "Low ceilings and door frames are handy for remedial work at home," said Fred Mohair, an enthusiastic ex-baldy.

For wives concerned about their husband's embarrassing bald heads, you've now got a good excuse to belt him over the head with the flat side of a spade. And each time you do, you'll be helping to cure his baldness.

Remember - no gain, without pain.

N.B. These remedies are for head hair only. Pubes seem to last for ever - probably due to all that banging and humping.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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