Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 18 August 2011

image for Biting Nails Strongly Linked To Having Short Nails
A poorly finger nail, yesterday.

Medical studies by the Institute Of Stating The Obvious at Harvard University have discovered a shocking link between people with uneven, short finger nails and those that bite their nails.

The team of students studied several people over a period of two years, and discovered that those that chewed their nails when nervous, or just through habit, ended up with exceptionally short nails. But those that didn't could grow them longer, unless they cut them with clippers or scissors.

In the same week that these shock results were released, we also learned that eating chewing gum increases your risk of mouth strain, drinking coffee improves your chances of staying awake during meetings but adversely lessens your chances of a good nights sleep, and watching Eastenders heightens your chances of developing manic depression.

However, the most surprising result of the various studies were that at no point was diabetes or cancer mentioned. Not once. At all.

Spokesman, David Twatt said "we forgot about them to be fair! We were so busy coming up with this other stuff that the big C and D kinda slipped under the radar. Besides, everything in the world is linked to cancer already, so after the reports were published we just figured you'd take it as a given."

"Eating brown bread, not eating brown bread, drinking tea from the left side of a cup, standing in the rain, talking to strangers, leaving on a jet plane, listening to John Denver, nodding your head in agreement, shaking your head in moral outrage. They're all linked to getting cancer, so just accept it, people!"

The studies continue.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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