HARFOLD, VT--A study conducted in Harfold State College's boys' dorm Gammot "Goddamnit" Hall revealed this week that excessive amounts of screen time can boost morale in teen boys...or at least not make it much worse than it already was.
Of the nine boys surveyed, 88.9% could list several reasons why they enjoyed sitting in front of their computer screens for several hours at a time.
"Screens don't tell you you're a lazy-ass slug," admitted 19-year-old Cory Davis of Newport. "They don't remind you 100 times to take out the garbage or make your bed. They also don't drink too much and throw bottles at your bedroom door."
Roommate Steven Corbett chimed in. "You don't have to take your screen for walks. It doesn't piss or shit in your room if you forget to take him for a walk. I mean, 'cause you don't have to take it for a walk."
Gammot resident assistant Wingate Knox, whom many on the third floor haven't seen since Opening Weekend, cited a darker reason. "A screen doesn't dump you for some frickin' loser-ass jock with a nice car. She doesn't tell you that you were a mistake that she doesn't regret, but will instead learn from. In other words, a screen isn't a skanky whore."
Only 11.1% or one of the nine boys, G. Harris Bates, could not cite a reason why excessive screen time was beneficial, mostly because of the incessant sobbing into the palms of his hands.