Professor Stephen Hawking has agreed to become the voice of Intelligent Design yesterday.
Speaking through a computerised voice box, Hawking was enthusiastic about what ID stands for.
"Intelligent Design has so much going for it," said Hawking. "It neatly explains everything that we need to know without overburdening the unintelligent with facts that they just don't need."
Hawking now believes that rather than be taught alongside evolution by natural selection in both US and UK schools, ID should be taught instead of evolution by natural selection.
"There is so much in fighting, bickering and disagreement among evolutionary biologists," said Hawking. "If the theory was sound, why would this be? For me, I far prefer the certainty that comes with ID. There is no disagreement in this theory. Far from it, all its proponents speak with one voice. There is no aspect of the diversity of life that cannot be explained with the 'It was Designed That Way' law."
Hawking disputes that he wishes to have biology removed from the curriculum to free up precious funds for astrophysics and cosmology.
"Just because all the questions are answered," said Hawking, "does not make the discipline any less relevant. Indeed, I believe that ID can be expanded to all the sciences and that the stars are mere points of light on a glass sphere surrounding the Earth, making cosmology redundant. How can it be otherwise. If we accept that stars are a long way off, then it would undermine one of the basic tenets of ID, and that cannot be allowed."
Life long friend of Hawking's, Kip Thorne, cannot understand Hawking's sudden conversion.
"None of this makes any sense," he admitted. "We've had our disputes, but nothing so ideologically opposed as this. Has anybody checked that his voice box has not been hacked?"