Written by IainB
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Monday, 1 August 2011

image for Dyson Cheese Grater the Next Revolution
No more VERY sharp blades

After improving the vacuum cleaner, the hand drier and the fan, James Dyson will be turning his attention to improving kitchen appliances, starting with the Cheese Grater.

The Dyson Vacuum cleaner revolutionised vacuuming, and forced people to stop calling it Hoovering. The hand drier revolutionised drying hands in public loos, making all other hand driers feel like a small child breathing gently on your hands. The fan was okay.

Now the mighty intellect that is Dyson is looking at ways to improve the lives of people in kitchens. The new Dyson Cheese Grater looks nothing like any cheese grater that has gone before it, but promises to be the most radical kitchen invention since the electric tin opener (which Dyson will be looking at next).

"The main problem with cheese graters as they stand," said Dyson, "is that they are bloody dangerous. You try grating anything other than very soft cheddar and you're looking at taking at least some skin off your fingers. Parmesan? Carrots? No chance. You'd be better off putting a pair of chain mail gloves on before you start."

Dyson has patented his new grater, which he is calling a Greater Grater, for marketing purposes, and expects them to fly off the shelves due to the innovative hover feature.

"The grater hovers rock steady above it's own receptacle," Dyson said proudly. "You place the cheese, carrot, cabbage, anything that you want grating in the holder, press the button and kapow, one pile of grated something without a single grated finger."

At the heart of the grater are three powerful lasers that bisect the foodstuff rapidly, producing either fine or coarse gratings.

"It doesn't really work with Monterey Jack or mozzarella," admitted Dyson. "You end up with melted cheese. We're working on this. We might have to increase the cryogenic container to lower the temperature further where the lasers grate the food. But who grates these cheeses anyway?"

It is expected the Heston Blumenthal will find some innovative use for the new grater, whilst the popular YouTube videos "Will it Blend?" will be enhanced by "Will it Grate?".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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