(LSM) - The Pentagon is considering the use of military force against cyberattacks. This decision came after hackers breached the Pentagon's Facebook page, changing the military's relationship status with Afghanistan from "in a civil union with" to the more ambiguous "it's complicated."
The military stated that "this was a real dick move because Afghanistan saw the status change and spent all night asking, 'where are we going with this?'" However, the Pentagon also revealed that the hacking was a blessing in disguise, as the two countries stayed up talking until the sun came out, "just like we use to do when we first started seeing one another."
When asked what course of retaliation the military would take once they uncovered the hacker's identity, the Pentagon stated they had several option:
1. Leave a flaming bag filled with weaponized dog-turds on the cyberattacker's door step.
2. Make weaponized prank calls to the cyberattacker's place of employment until they totally get fired.
3. If the cyberattackers are women, replacing their birth control with weaponized Tic-Tacs.
The federal government is increasing the penalties for people caught shining laser beams at commercials planes. The laser-pointer problem began several years ago when an evil-scientist accidentally pointed a laser at the sky while trying to entertain his evil cat.